People of the Clothe
by Abandon Structure
Summary: A fake cult, a rich genius, a warped sense of humor, and Twilight. Are you Team Tyler or Team Reid? Features the stealing of porn, dancing on the cafeteria tables, gay dating services, blatant stalking, and a perilous love affair between...
1. A Great and Terrible Something or Other

There is a social hierarchy in High Schools that cannot be denied. No matter how far you run or how well you hide, it will find you.

"One more year," my best friend Alyssa Douglas reminded me as she dropped her duffel on the bed opposite mine.

"Two more years," I supplied, glumly letting my bags drop to the floor.

"Technically. But we can start taking college credits Senior Year."

"Yippee."

"For someone with a hyperactivity disorder, you're unusually melancholy today."

"I don't have ADD," I shot back, turning to give her my best narrow eyed glare. "We've talked about this."

"I never said you had ADD."

"You implied it."

"I simply made a statement. How you construe it is entirely out of my control."

"You said disorder."

"But I never said ADD." Alyssa's lips were half-tilted up, which was a clear indication that she was having hysterics about our on-going argument.

It had started Freshman year. Our first day as roommates had gone great; she threatened to shove a sharpie up my nose and I'd promised to take a swan dive out the window to ensure that the prof's gave her straight A's with no consideration to her intelligence.

We'd both been mutually horrified by the others possible actions and had declared an uneasy truce.

"Figures," Alyssa had muttered sourly under her breath. "Out of all the possible Harvard scholars, I get stuck with the ADD kid."

"I don't have ADD," had been my scowled reply. Ever since I could talk, everybody has always accused me of having ADD. I've participated in every assessment known to mankind that tested for ADD. The point was, I didn't have ADD and I was getting tired of people attributing my hyperactivity and insatiable curiosity to some poor-mans disease used as an excuse to drug children so adults didn't have to deal with them in their natural states.

After primly and almost snottily delivering this well memorized and over verbalized lecture to Alyssa, she'd cocked her head to the side and blinked at me through narrow eyes.

"What's your IQ again?"

"160," I'd shot back. "Yours?"

"157." And thus, respect was born.

Sort of.

"You do anything interesting over the summer?"

"Nope. You?"

"I studied for the LSAT."

"You studied…for the LSAT." I shook my head as I stared at her. "I know better and yet, I am still surprised."

Alyssa smiled serenely in reply.

* * *

"Social interaction is an integral part of our lives as young adults. We would be remiss in our attitudes and denying the very culture that makes us today's youth if we didn't attend tonight's party."

"You've been reading the dictionary again, haven't you?" Alyssa flipped another page in her magazine, not bothering to look up from her perch on the bed as I fidgeted in front of our door.

"It's the only book that doesn't have a circular plot line that lets me guess the ending," I replied, shoving my hands into my back pockets as I put on my best pout face.

"Please?" The pout face leads to the pout voice which affects Alyssa like a sledgehammer to the gut, which was why I used it mercilessly to my advantage.

Alyssa tilted her head up and arched an eyebrow at me.

"You'll annoy me all night if we don't go, won't you?"

"Yes."

"Why don't you ask Tiffany down the hall? Her boyfriends got a car and she's nice enough to give you a ride."

"I don't want to go with Tiffany. I want to go with you."

"Why? Tiffany's a much better dancer than I am."

"She's also got grabby hands and isn't my best friend. Please?" Hands curled under my chin, I turned the puppy dog eyes full throttle, blinking innocently a few times for effect. "Pretty, pretty, please?"

Her face twitched, her cheek muscles creaked, and finally, almost reluctantly, her lips turned up at the corners and that icy veneer of cool intellect melted _slightly _from her eyes as she smiled at me.

_Victory._

_

* * *

  
_

The Dells were awesome. I mean, flat out freakin' amazing.

The people, the music, the flashing lights and the bonfires…

"No."

"But, but…pretty!" I waggled my fingers towards the nearest towering stack of burning wood, biting my lip and pouting as Alyssa gently, but firmly, pulled me away.

"Angel! Baby! How's my favorite little firebug?"

"Zac!" I'm not really a touchy feely kind of person. Human contact to me is limited to the occasionally hug from family members and Alyssa, followed by the usual hand on arm dragging me from whatever trouble my curious little mind along with my curious little feet have dragged me towards.

But I wrapped myself like a spider monkey around Zac.

"Mmmmm," I moaned, inhaling his warm, gooey scent, my nose snugly buried where his shoulder met his neck.

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?" I half-mumbled into his clavicle, taking another deep inhaling breath.

"Cinnamon buns?" Alyssa hazarded a guess from somewhere behind me and to the left.

"Birthday cake," Zac corrected, shrugging his shoulders and dislodging me in the same motion.

"Yummy Birthday Cake," I pouted up at Zac who cross his arms and shook his head.

I sighed; no more spider monkey.

"So," Zac twisted his head to take in our surroundings. "See anybody you like wandering around lately?"

"They haven't gotten here yet." Alyssa had Serenity dialed in to a T. In the two years I've known her, I've never, _never_ seen her have an emotional display beyond a lip twitch.

"I saw Caleb a few seconds ago," Zac stated, rubbing the back of his neck. "If the rest of them aren't here, they should be soon."

"Tyler?" Just the thought of the pretty blue eyed boy had me standing on my tip-toes, anxiously peering around for the brunette.

"Haven't seen him yet, but I'll be sure to keep an eye open."

My obsession with Tyler Simms had started way back in freshman year.

It'd been raining, I'd had water running down my back and sliding in uncomfortable places. I'd been distracted and hadn't been paying attention to where my feet were going so it came as quite a shock to me when my feet suddenly decided to go one way and the rest of me decided to go another.

My head had hit the concrete hard enough to make me bleed. So, lying there in a small pool of blood and a lot of rain water, I'd been swarmed by the concerned masses.

One of the most concerned faces had been a girl named Kate Tunney. Daughter of a wealthy construction tycoon, she, like me, was an incoming freshman and occupied the dorm room next to mine.

Her roommate was horrible; a stuck up bitch named Cindy Sue who, in addition to having the worst name possible, also happened to have the worst attitude…ever.

So Kate had taken to taking refuge in our room, which was upsetting to Alyssa and was the primary reason why I'd invited her to take refuge in the first place.

Annoying Alyssa had been the highlight of my days back in the beginning of our friendship.

Anyways, Kate had been hovering, talking to me in a frantic voice of which I could only hear every other word thanks to an annoying ringing in my ears.

Behind her, a crowd of students had assembled, some of them concerned, most of them just eager to get a glimpse of blood and carnage so they had a good story to share with the unfortunate masses who hadn't gotten a front row seat to my spectacular wipeout.

Concussed and bleeding, my eyes had traveled through the crowd until they landed on another incoming freshman.

His name was Aaron Abbott. He was tall, handsome, with hazelish eyes and a patrician nose.

I'd fallen head over heals in lust.

"Pretty," I'd managed to get out, practically gurgling the word since my mouth had suddenly decided to stop working.

"Oh God, she's seeing the light," Kate had whimpered from above me. Her hands gripped the lapels of my Spencers jacket and dragged me upwards with a frantic shake.

"Don't go into the light, Angel! Stay with me!" Quite frankly, at that moment, I didn't want to go _anywhere _with her. She was shaking me and my head was spinning and the world was tilting in the most _nauseating _ways.

"Jesus, Kate," someone spoke from the crowd. "Stop shaking her! She's got a concussion, for God's sake!"

And Zac stepped into the picture, looking like a pimply faced geek and smelling like heaven.

"Mmmm, cupcakes…" I'd mumbled.

"Huh?" Kate lowered me back to the floor with an expression caught between repentant and confused.

"Cupcake?" Aaron Abbott, my angel of Lust, spoke. "She calls you 'Cupcake?' Dude, how gay is that?"

I'd frowned; I didn't know much about angels, but weren't they supposed to be, well, _nice_?

"Fuck off, Abbott." Pimply faced or not, Zac was nobody's whipping boy. He didn't put up with bullshit which was a truly admirable trait for today's youth.

"Good," I'd patted his ankle, the only part of him I could reach, and offered him the vaguest of smiles before wincing.

"My head," I'd moaned, reaching up to touch the offending appendage.

My coordination, suspect at the best of times, must have been truly awful because instead of my head, I grabbed someone's leg.

"What the fuck?" I had enough time to think '_Nice voice_' before something approximately my size and a good twenty pounds heavier landed on top of me.

I managed one wheezy breath, right in the face of the bluest eyes I'd ever seen before my world went hazy.

"Tyler!" A deep voice yelled above me, echoed by Kate's frantic screams.

" – asshole!" was all I heard of Kate stringent rant before the world went dark.

I'd woken up in the hospital with seven stitches in the back of my skull and two frantic brothers hovering anxiously over me.

"Pickle, Dill," I greeted them solemnly, licking dry lips as I frowned. "Is it Tuesday already?"

"_Motherfuckerangel_," Dylan breathed, running a hand through his off-blonde hair and glaring down at me, the two words said so fast they ran together to form a whole new word.

"You scared the shit out us, Troll." Parker crossed his arms over a chest identical to Dylan's, his scowl settling mostly around his mouth where Dylan's seemed to have a monopoly on his eyes.

It was one of the ways I'd learned to tell the difference between my two older brothers growing up. When Dylan got angry, his eyes snapped and his entire expression became livid. When Parker was mad, he was a lot like Alyssa. Stoic, quiet, and twitchy.

"How long was I out for?"

"Twelve hours," came the snarled reply.

"Eight," Parker corrected drolly.

"Nice." I was duly impressed. In my years of collecting head injuries, I'd learned that anything approaching double digits was to be awed about.

"Not nice," Parker corrected dryly. "Dad threw a fit, threatened to fly in from Tokyo."

Oohh, not good. Anything that got Dad out of Tokyo was not good.

"Dylan managed to talk him out of it."

In the oddities that are my familial life, amazingly it was Dylan whom my Dad trusted the most, particularly with regards to his only daughters physical and emotional well being.

"How long til I can blow this popsicle stand?"

"Another day of observation then you can either come with us for a week or return to the dorms and resume your regularly scheduled scholastic life."

I gave Parker a look.

"Dorms it is."

Fifteen minutes later, I had to pee. I'd been subtly trying to maneuver my brothers out of the room before figuring out that nothing short of brutal honesty was going to get them to leave.

"I have to pee."

"So go. That's what they give you a bedpan for, Trouble."

"I can walk, thank you." Parker flipped another page in his magazine and arched an eyebrow at me.

"So walk," Dyl snarked, tapping his fingers against his thighs as he leaned against the window of my oh-so-private room.

"I don't seem to be wearing any underwear."

"Oh, gross." Dyl was off like a shot, out of my room and dragging Parker along behind him.

_Victory._

Ten minutes later I emerged from the bathroom blissfully free of what had felt like fifteen pounds of water weight to find a strange boy with familiar eyes standing in the center of the room, staring at the empty bed with an absolutely mystified expression and holding a handful of what looked like second-day Lilies.

"Hey, stranger," I greeted with a nod, causing the boy to jerk around and stare at me.

"Wow you move…quietly."

"Like a mouse." I agreed, staring into his eyes.

_Pretty, pretty eyes…_

And strangely, familiar.

"Do I know you?"

"Um, yeah, sort of. I'm the guy who fell on top of you."

"Tyler, right?" Bits and pieces of memories flooded back, along with the realization that I had him to thank for my journey into unconsciousness.

Having been concussed on multiple occasions before, I half-fell in love with him at that realization. Head injuries are an absolute bitch when you're awake to feel them.

"Yeah, me. I was just…I wanted to…" He sighed and thrust the flowers at me. "Kate told me I need to apologize and Pogue threatened me if I didn't listen to her, so I bought you flowers and some chocolate."

I didn't give a rats piss about the flowers but candy…

"What kind?"

"Expresso flavored from Godiva."

And that's when I fell. Completely and utterly, without a doubt, in lust with Tyler Simms.

"I love you."

"You must really like chocolate." He seemed to relax under my apparent banner of forgiveness.

Little did he know I was serious.

As far as stalkers went, I was fairly benign. I watched from afar, but avoided up close encounters like the plague.

"You're a horrible stalker," Alyssa informed me as my head darted around, frantically searching for the object of my lusts.

"I'm still in training," I replied, giving her a bright smile.

"In training for what?" Zac jerked in surprise as Kate made a sudden appearance next to him.

"Don't fucking do that," he hissed, hand splayed flat over his heart and eyes wide with the remnants of absolute terror.

"Do what?" Kate was confused.

Zac was a default friend for her, meaning since he was friends with us and we were friends with her they were friends by default. She didn't know his personality quirks like we did.

"What's up, Kate?" Alyssa asked, nodding her greeting to the cinnamon skinned girl.

"Nothing much. Pogue's supposed to be here any minute now."

"Pogue?" Pogue's real name is Christopher, but everybody calls him Pogue. I don't know why and neither does Kate though I've pestered her often enough to find out.

"Yeah, you know. 6'0"? Big, muscular guy? My boyfriend since freshman year?"

In addition to my lust-inspired obsession with Tyler (which had reason to new heights after I'd gotten to know Aaron Abbott more and realized that Tyler knocking me unconscious had quite possibly saved me from a lifetime of mooning after the class dick), Kate and Pogue's relationship status had emerged from my head injury.

Apparently Pogue dug half-hysterical drama queens with half the sense God gave a ninny.

Not that Kate's a horrible person; Kate's Kate, which isn't necessarily always a good thing.

I was willing to forgive her for her faults, though, since her hanging out with Pogue provided me with contact with Tyler.

"Fair warning, Ang, Tyler's bringing a girl."

Kate things that Tyler and I are destined soulmates or some hogwash like that. The first time she'd uttered that inane theory to me I'd stared at her in absolute horror.

"Tyler and me? Are you insane?" I'd sputtered, reaching for a napkin to mop up the saliva and coffee I'd sprayed all over the table via my nose as I gaped at her in disbelief.

"What the hell, Angela? I mean, you only obsess about him every fucking time I see you! What the hell am I supposed to think?"

"I'm _stalking _him, Kate. It's a _fantasy, _not _reality. _I can't _date _him! It'd ruin everything!"

"What?" Anger gave way to mystification as Kate looked at me, mouth ajar.

"Angel likes to Pretend," Alyssa had informed Kate levelly. "It makes her happy."

"And reality?"

"Exists purely as a form of torture and disappointment."

The entire conversation seemed to have made no significant impact on Kate's idea that me and Tyler were destined to be together, like Romeo and Juliet, or Tristan and Isolde.

"What kind of girl?" I asked eagerly, turning to Kate like a puppy eager for instruction.

She took a step back, away from me and my manic ways.

"Uh, brunette, five four. Her name's Shirley, she's from Pilgree High School."

_Oh!_ Public schools!

I'd seen kids from them, even talked to a few, but I've never actually attended one.

"Cool," I breathed, eyes shiny with anticipation.

Twenty minutes later, my anticipation had dwindled significantly.

Shirley, it turned out, was the daughter of a priest. An honest-to-God Priest.

"I don't get out much," she had mumbled shyly as she brushed some of her tawny hair out of her eyes and behind her ear.

Quiet, demure, and so lamb-to-the-slaughter like in appearance, I wasn't the only one who was staring in dumbfounded shock.

"Hey," Tyler gave the group as a whole a nod before turning his attention to Shirley. "I found Rob over by the punch. You still want to talk to him?"

Shirley nodded and with a timid smile to the rest of us, she took Tyler's offered hand and followed him into the crowd.

"Well." Zac was the first to break the silence.

"I know." Caleb agreed. Zac and Caleb go way back. They've been in the same schools together since daycare. When they were three, Zac shoved Caleb in a mud puddle, ruining a three hundred dollar cashmere sweater set his mother had bought the boy under the mistaken impression that little boys stayed clean.

When they were five, Caleb got even by poking holes in the bottom of Zac's juice boxes for an entire week, thereby permanently staining Zac's two hundred dollar jeans.

Their shenanigans continued into puberty, with property damage totaling in the tens of thousands at least.

Somehow, though, with puberty came an odd sort of maturity. Personal attacks morphed into a mellow sort of friendship.

Being friends with Caleb meant a certain level of friendship and familiarity with each of the other sons as well.

"He met her…in church." It was a question disguised as a disbelieving statement. Next to Pogue, Kate shifted uncomfortably, staring at me. She opened her mouth to say something – no doubt an additional commentary in favor of the poor girl. Though Kate pressures on a constant basis for me to cross the fantasy/reality threshold with Tyler, she's realized, over the years, that I am weird. So, on occasion when Tyler finds a girl he likes enough to date (or have sex with; the night he lost his virginity, Kate called me) she does her best to promote said girl in the eyes of the Sons in the vain hope to deter me from my stalking tendancies.

"Yep. Freaky, isn't it?" Caleb shot Reid a warning look at that statement, but I was still too stuck in the land of disbelief to really notice.

"She's so…"

"Virginal?" Trust Reid to relate everything back to sex.

"Reid!" Pogue snapped that one out before his girlfriend could make a comment. I'd give him that; Pogue was damn good. He could read Kate's moods like a freakin' psychic. I bet he had some gypsy in his bloodline; he was that good.

"_Sweet._" The word came to me in a vaguely disgusted tone.

"Yeah."

"That's it."

"Totally."

The other Sons agreed with heartfelt appreciation at my awesome summarizing capabilities.

"I wonder if he meant Rob Kazinsky," Alyssa murmured quietly, more to herself than anybody else as she continued to stare off into the direction they'd wandered off into.

"Kazinsky?" Reid choked next to me, stumbling closer a few steps and reaching out to grab my shoulder for support as he swung his head around my body to stare at Alyssa. "Are you shitting me?"

Rob Kazinsky was going places. Everybody at Spencer knew this.

They were debate, though, as to _where._

Wall Street and Prison were currently the top two slots, with Chicago and Disneyland duking it out for third and fourth places, respectively.

Me? I was more of the LA persuasion myself. I'd been watching TLC over the summer and they'd been showing reruns of _LA Ink._

See, Rob liked to draw. He liked to draw big things, little things, profound things, and perverted things. He mostly stuck to keeping his designs on paper, but occasionally he liked to draw on people.

He was the go-to guy at Spencer for tattoos. While only an idgit with half a brain would let the slightly overweight and anxiety ridden teenager within five feet of them with a needle and chemicals that could potentially kill you, the smart kids knew that a hundred bucks could buy you a bitchin' design you could take down to the local shops and get inked on.

"You don't think she's going to get a tattoo, do you?" Kate doesn't mind tattoo's; she's got one on her ankle of an om, and a couple others in various places on her body, but her tone made it abundantly clear she wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of Tyler's sweet virgin getting inked.

"Shirley?" Reid's eyebrows skyrocketed once more, his grip on my shoulder tightening spastically before dropping to my waist.

"It's unlikely." But Caleb was frowning, probably thinking about how much trouble Tyler would be in if he brought his girlfriend back to her God-loving clan with the devils mark permanently branded into her skin.

Caleb was oddly cool like that; the caretaker and protector of the odd little band of four that called themselves the Sons of Ipswich.

I was rapidly losing interest in this line of conversation; either Shirley got a tattoo or she didn't. As long as her temporary bought of stupidity didn't get Tyler killed or irrevocably harmed in some way, she was welcome to a moment of dumb decision making. Hey, all of us have to have them at some point in our lives.

My primary concern right then was Reid. And his hand…which was sliding down from my waist to lower portions of my anatomy.

"Hey Reid," I murmured, catching the blonde's attention with a saccharine smile that had him blinking, distracted. I can be charming when I want to be.

"Yeah?" His gaze was fixated on my lips, his wandering hand taking up position about an inch above my ass.

"Do you like the position of your hand?"

Reid's lips arched slightly, as did his eyebrow.

"What position would that be, sweetheart?"

"Attached."

Reid's hand dropped from my waist as his smile widened.

I've never really understood the blondest member of the Sons. In my two years of obsessive Tyler watching, I've gotten the distinct impression that the blonde was aware of my proclivities and was taking some sort of sick amusement out of watching me watch his best friend.

See, Reid was odd, sort of like me, only not.

Creepy would be a good word to describe him.

Sexy would be another.

Dickish would be almost as good.

The Sons were like a personality rainbow; Caleb was steady like a rock, Pogue was silent as a stone, Tyler was as quiet as a pebble, and Reid…Reid was a fucking avalanche. He bowled over anything and everything that got in his way.

And strangely enough he seemed to like me.

The jury was still out on my overall feelings towards him, however.

"You guys going to class tomorrow?" Zac broke the silence again. Zac was a natural born silence breaker, the perfect conversationalist. He could fill the awkward pauses in conversations like nobody's business, which was part of the reason we kept him around.

He also happened to work at _Marge's_, only the best bakery in town, and routinely came into our room smelling like heaven and tasting like it too. I know; I licked him once to find out if he tasted as good as he smelled.

He'd taken a thirty-minute shower in response and told me that if I ever did that again he was going to quit his job and move to Alaska where real men smelled like fish and drank beer all day.

"Of course," I answered for me and Alyssa. I'd go because I had nothing better to do; Alyssa would go because Alyssa had perfect attendance and had never skipped a day of school in her life, not even in pre-school.

"Yes," Caleb answered, rubbing the back of his neck. Caleb wanted to get into Harvard like Alyssa, so he kept his skipping to a bare minimum.

"Don't know," was Pogue's answer as he smiled down at Kate. "Depends on what I'm doing tonight."

Kate smiled up at him, the two of them lost in one of those couples moments that I'd always found mystifying.

"Probably not," was Reid's predictable reply.

"Okay."

The conversation was pretty much dead by this point and miracle worker or not, even Zac was starting to wan under the pressure of a twelve hour shift at the bakery and classes tomorrow.

"You drive?" I asked him, taking careful note of his exhaustion.

"Caught a ride with some friends," Zac answered after shaking his head in answer.

"Come on, then. Alyssa can drive us back."

Placid as a pond on a windless day, Alyssa accepted our desire to leave by simply turning and heading towards the car.

"Later," Zac nodded to Caleb who nodded back.

"Later," Reid replied out loud, his eyes following us for a brief moment before being distracted by a frilly purple skirt and the thighs it was brushing against.

"You don't really think she's getting a tattoo, do you?" Zac's tone was one of morbid curiosity.

"It's highly unlikely," Alyssa replied drolly.

"Yeah, what she said."


	2. I'm Going to Kill Reid Garwin

A/N: The perilous love affair? Gonna take a while to get to it.

"We should do something."

"We are doing something; we're painting our nails." Sometimes Alyssa's inability to display humor was amusing; this was not one of those times.

"Something interesting. Something that will leave a lasting impression."

"We are not blowing anything up."

"Geez, Ally, I never said we were. Paranoid much?" That earned me a droll look in reply. Either she was upset with me for insulting her, or she was amused because she'd just made a joke that I totally didn't get. With Alyssa, it was kind of hard to tell.

"I just think we need to get out there, explore the world while we still can."

A faint furrow between her brows made it clear that Alyssa and I weren't following the same train of thought, which wasn't surprising. Her train follows the line from Point A to Point B. Mine was always torn between pit-stops and de-railings.

"You want to ditch school?"

"No! God no. My brothers would kill me and Dad might actually fly home from Tokyo." I fought a shudder at the thought. It wasn't that I didn't love my father it was just that he was one of those people who were easier to love from a distance. It'd taken a couple of years and most of my childhood for us to figure out that Tokyo was just about far enough.

"No," I repeated, calmer, more rationally. "I was thinking something more along the lines of organized chaos."

"Oxymorons?" Alyssa hazarded, screwing the top back on the nail polish she was finished using. It was called Big Money, a dark shade of green that didn't particularly look good on her, but that was Alyssa for you. "You must be serious."

As a heart attack.

School had been in session now for about two weeks and already I was bored. Things here just weren't challenging enough for me and it was making my brain itch and my fingers twitch.

I wanted an adventure, a great-big hurrah that could use up some of this pent-up energy that seemed to hover around me like an annoyingly itchy sweater.

Next year was Senior Year. I'd have college applications and internships and career counseling, not to mention mentoring and all the other countless things Spencer liked to throw at it's departing seniors to bury them in scholarship. Judging by the already harried looks of this years seniors, next year wasn't going to be much by way of fun.

So I was going to get in my last hurrah's this year and Alyssa was going to help me because my rationale was logical in its appeal.

"We need a schedule."

"Huh?" Lost in my own thoughts, I came back to reality to find Alyssa pulling a pen and notebook off of her desk. Carefully uncapping the pen, heeding her newly painted nails, she tilted her head back and stared serenely up at me from the floor.

"Continue."

I knew it was normally my position to be the odd one in our relationship, but there were moments when Alyssa truly creeped me out and this was rapidly turning into one of them.

Or maybe it was the fumes.

It was cold outside and we hadn't bothered to open any windows, so the inside of our room had me seeing spots…sparkly, dancing, multicolored spots.

"Okay," shaking my head I turned my thoughts back to the matter at hand. Which was…what, exactly?

"So, what are we going to do?"

"Organized Chaos," Alyssa reminded me gently, pen poised over paper as she patiently waited for my immaculate conception of a brainstorm.

"Right." There was a pause, a long beat of solid silence while Alyssa waited for my ingenious idea and I waited to have one.

* * *

"Anything?"

It was two days later and we were sitting in a History of Modern Art class.

I was taking the class because I was genuinely interested in expanding my social awareness of artistic endeavors. Alyssa was taking it because colleges liked it when students came to them with a well-rounded resume.

Pretty much everybody else was taking it because it simply involved looking at pictures for two hours a day.

Which was why I wasn't surprised to see Reid Garwin drooling on the desktop two rows in front of me, fast asleep, with Tyler sprawled out next to him, flipping through a paperback novel.

"I'm working on it."

And while I was waiting for inspiration to strike, I was going to enjoy some good quality Tyler watching.

* * *

"It's been a week and you haven't caused any trouble. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," I frowned as Kate slid into the seat next to me. It was lunchtime and I was enjoying some nice macaroni salad with pickles and chocolate milk.

Across from me, Alyssa was steadily flipping through a law textbook and spooning soup into her mouth, while Zac watched with fascination as I garbled the contents of my meal together and proceeded to eat it.

"She's thinking," Alyssa supplied, flipping another page.

"About what?" Kate looked worried now, with just cause. The last time she'd been aware of my 'thinking' there'd been some trouble concerning the location of the Dean of Students vehicle and a horse named Toyota that had apparently taken it's place.

"Things," I answered vaguely. "School."

For whatever delusional reason, that seemed to make her relax. I looked up to find Alyssa and Zac exchanging a knowing look.

It wasn't my fault Kate was one of those people who only heard what she wanted to.

Though, honestly, she should know better by now.

* * *

"I have no idea what we're going to do." I collapsed onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling with a worn sigh.

I didn't know what was going on; normally, trouble followed me around like a yappy little dog on a short-leash. It was my familial nickname, after all.

But you know what they say, when you go looking for trouble…it completely avoids you.

"Damnit."

I didn't have to look to know that Alyssa was arching an eyebrow from her desk in the corner.

"Maybe you need to relax, take a nap."

I grunted at that.

"Or maybe we should go to Nicky's."

I perked up at that.

Nicky's. Beer, fooseball, and pool tables. And best of all, trouble.

I _really _missed Trouble.

* * *

"Angela! Angel! Over here!" Kate had a voice that carried really well and a smile that lit up her face and drew attention from everybody in her immediate vicinity.

Next to her, her boyfriend Pogue wrapped a protective arm over her shoulders and glared menacingly at the more persistent on lookers.

"Very intimidating," I assured him needlessly as we approached.

"I give it a ten," Zac agreed from where he was sprawled next to Kate looking absolutely exhausted.

"Bad day at work?" Alyssa questioned, quietly settling herself next to him.

"Oven exploded," was his grunted reply.

"No blowing things up," Alyssa reminded me quietly as I visibly perked.

"Again, not exactly the Unabomber over here."

"You blew up the chem lab last year." Reid's breath was warm across my neck, raising the small hairs there as I twisted to glare at him, ignoring his proximity to huff at him.

"I did not. I was cleared of any blame."

"Whatever you say, sweetheart."

Reid had the most annoying smirk, one that practically screamed his superiority over the rest of us mere mortals.

"And it wasn't even a big explosion," I snapped myself out of Reid's orbit with that statement, frowning over at Alyssa as the blonde took the seat across from me.

"Property damage was less than five thousand dollars," Alyssa agreed calmly.

"Exactly."

"Whatever," Reid lifted his fingers in a half wave of disinterest as he turned his attention towards the bar.

"Where's Caleb?" I asked Zac. Zac was a default friend for all of the Sons except Caleb, so it didn't really make sense for him to be sitting here unless Caleb was nearby.

"Over at the bar with Tyler getting our food."

"Tyler's here?" I straightened with that knowledge. Kate narrowed her eyes at me in blatant warning.

Across from me, Reid tapped his fingers on the table and smirked.

"He's meeting Shirley," Kate informed me purposely.

"Here?" Zac arched an eyebrow as he surveyed our surroundings.

Nicky's was a step above a dive bar, but not exactly a bible thumpers paradise.

"He invited her and she accepted. And we're going to be nice to her, aren't we, Angel?"

"What? Why are you asking me? I'm nice." Alyssa snorted and Zac grinned. I frowned at the two of them.

"I am," I insisted, actually feeling a little hurt by their apparent lack of faith in my sensitivity.

"How nice?" Reid practically purred across from me. He was watching me, blue eyes dancing with mischief, fingers giving up on tapping and now stroking the table in an almost sensuous manner.

"Not that nice," I informed him tartly.

"Too bad," he breathed out on a disappointed sigh, his gaze dropping from my face to stare wistfully at my bustline.

"Reid," Caleb appeared – like magic – and slapped the younger boy across the head.

"_Ow! _What? I wasn't _doing _anything!"

"You were being a perv," Kate informed him tartly. He stared at her, visibly confused as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Yeah? So? I'm a teenage boy!"

"Please don't extend your bad manners to the rest of our gender," Tyler stated dryly as he slid into the seat next to his best friend. I let out a small sigh of pleasure, earning myself a suspicious look from Tyler and a knowing smirk from Reid. "I'd like to still be able to get laid while I'm young."

Pogue snorted at that one, grunting more out of surprise than pain when Kate elbowed him in the stomach.

"What? It was funny!"

"It was sick," Kate snapped. "And demeaning."

"To who? Reid? Honey, I don't think he cares."

Kate's angry reply was cut off by Shirley's arrival.

"Tyler?" Her timid voice was barely audible above the hustle and bustle of the busy bar.

"Shirley! Hey!" Getting to his feet – ever the gentlemen – Tyler offered his girlfriend a chaste kiss across the cheek before pulling out the seat next to him for her to sit in.

"How'd your meeting with Rob go?" He asked her, cheerfully ignoring the rest of us as he casually swung an arm over the back of her chair.

Shirley's eyes dropped to the table top as her face turned red under our collective scrutiny.

"Fine," she replied with a mumble, hands carefully folded together on top of the table.

"We still on for tonight?" A head bob.

Apparently shy-little Shirley was intimidated by our collective powers of staring.

"Anything?" Alyssa asked, her tone oddly pained, which I could totally understand. Being in the presence of such glaring _sweetness _was having an effect on me, too.

"Notta." I replied with an annoyed sigh.

"What?" Zac asked, peering between the two of us. "What's going on?"

"Angel's have an attack of sanity," Kate supplied, reaching over and grabbing a fry from the basket in the middle of the table.

"No shit?" Reid cocked his head to the side as he stared at me.

"Yeah," I agreed, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back with a frustrated grunt. "It totally blows. How can you people stand it?"

Caleb choked on the pop he'd been drinking, sputtering slightly as he stared at me.

"Excuse me?"

"Being sane," I supplied helpfully. "How you can live like this?"

I waved my hand around the bar aimlessly. Caleb followed the general direction of my hand sweep before turning his attention back towards me with a single arched eyebrow.

"What's wrong with this?" He mocked me.

I peered around me.

Aaron Abbott was at the pool table in the corner, hustling some poor schmuck from the community college, his best friend Brody acting as his own personal cheering section while his girlfriend Kyra made cow eyes at Nicky's newest bartender.

Over by the jukebox, a pixie haired girl and a mullet clad boy were dry humping against the wall, not even the shadows being able to completely hide the motions for their bodies.

Two tables away from us two supremely intoxicated middle aged truckers were singing an off-key version of 'Annie Get Your Gun'…or maybe 'Free Bird.'

And all around me people were laughing and chatting and generally having a great time.

It was sickening to be around.

"Sanity!" I answered Caleb with a disgusted snort, slapping my hands down on the table. "It's boring!"

"This is nice," Tyler defended Nicky's for the whole lot, surprising everybody with his claim, myself included.

Aside from the other Sons, I would consider myself one of the foremost experts in the inner workings of Tyler Simms deep, dark thoughts.

But the idea that Tyler would settle for this ho-hum mundrum?

Not really surprising, actually.

Which was definitely part of the reason behind the whole fantasy/reality rationale.

"I know what could make it better," Reid spoke to the table at large, but his eyes were still fixated on me, a hungry gleam in their depths.

"What?" I snapped, glaring at him with narrowed eyes. In this particular moment, he was feeling more and more like a snake in the grass. The second I took my eyes off of him, my bra was going to disappear, I just knew it.

And it wouldn't be the first time, either. I swear, the boy had to have magic hands or something, because every girl whose ever 'dated' him had waxed wonders about his ability to do away with their underthings in five milliseconds or less.

"A party," he spoke the word simply enough, but there was a twist to the end of the word that made it almost sound like he was whispering naughty things at me.

"Angel," Alyssa warned me, a slight furrow in her brows as she frowned at Reid.

"Where?" I asked, ignoring the warning. I needed trouble – craved it like a drug – and right now I was a junkie in serious withdrawal.

"Come with me."

Placing my hand in his was the dumbest thing I've ever done.

* * *

Five hours later, with a splitting headache in clothes that belonged to a hooker and shoes I'd found in a dumpster, I stumbled my way back into the Spencer building sore, bruised, battered, and completely hungover.

"I think I had alcohol poisoning," I promptly informed Alyssa as soon as she opened out door.

"You smell like a frat party," was her reply.

"I _feel _like a frat party. I've been molested, assaulted, inebriated, and a participant in seven brawls in the past five hours, two of which occurred in County lock-up."

Alyssa's jaw actually dropped, providing me with a beautiful memory I would love and cherish for the remainder of my days starting tomorrow. Today, I just wanted to sleep.

And possibly vomit once more, just for safety's sake.

"You were _arrested_?"

I nodded grimly.

"Twice. The first time they let us off with a warning, but the second they brought us in for."

I moved around the room, grabbing supplies and disappearing into our small bathroom to change out of my hobo chic and into a terry-clothe robe I was going to have to burn.

And it was a nice robe too, perfectly fluffy…

I patted the lapel sadly before turning to find Alyssa staring at me from the bathroom doorway, her face pale.

"You have a tattoo."

"What?"

I remembered a lot of things about tonight. I remembered the first party Reid had taken me to. I remember taking a puff of something called Doobie's Mega-Mix which, in retrospect, had probably been the second worst idea of the evening.

I remembered my first beer, my first mixed drink (a blow job), a drunken grope-fest with Brad Pitts body double, Reid, a bar where somebody handed me a bottle of Tequila with the instruction to 'go nuts', and Willie, a six foot five grizzlied trucker who had tucked me under his arm for about a half an hour and crooned show tunes in my ear.

I vaguely remembered the first bar fight, had snippets of the second, and had completely blocked out the third, fourth, and fifth.

I remembered getting arrested, promising the officer I would go straight home, and promptly wandering back into the same bar as I'd just emerged from.

The second arrest I remembered watching Reid slip right out the door as the officer put the cuffs on me.

I remembered the two fights in lock-up, mostly because I'd been forcibly removed from completely dominating a hooker who'd had the nerve to declare Caleb Danvers to be a complete pussy.

The second fight had segued from the first after a discussion had ensued as to which Son was the hottest. I think I might have thrown the first punch when somebody had suggested that Reid – the rat bastard – won that honor, hands down.

And I remembered getting released, finding my shoes, wondering about my clothes, and wandering back here.

At no point in time did I remember a tattoo.

"Where?"

"Your ass." Alyssa was still in a state of shock which – given the givens – wasn't all that surprising. Still, the color had yet to return to her face and I was curious about the why until I saw the tattoo and after that I pretty much didn't give a shit anymore.

"I'm going to kill him."

* * *

"Reid Garwin!" I screamed my war cry as I banged into Reid Garwin's dormroom, towel clutched in my hand like a weapon, still reeking of stale bear, sweat, and blood and clad only in my soon-to-be-burned terry cloth robe. "I'm going to fucking _**kill **_you!"

A familiar head of tawny locks yawned at me as he poked his face out from under the covers and grinned.

"Sweetheart, if you wanted some, all you had to do was ask."

Words escaped me; there was nothing in the English language or any other language that could accurately sum up the amount of pent up rage and hostility I had towards this boy. It was so bad that – in about five seconds – my head was going to just explode unless I did something.

So I rolled up the towel – still damp from my shower prior to heading out to Nicky's – and snapped it on the bare leg poking out from under the comforter.

"What the fuck - ?" Reid yelped at the contact, jerking upright to glare at me.

"Are you fucking nuts?"

"Look whose talking! You let me get _arrested_ you _**asshole**_!"

His smirk reappeared.

"You said you wanted trouble."

"Not the kind that shows up on my _**record**_!" I screeched in reply.

"Then you shouldn't have gotten arrested."

A sound emerged from my throat – a half-howl, half-screech that had the hair rising at the nape of my neck. If this was one of those sitcoms, this would be the point where the steam machine was working overtime to produce enough boiling rage to gush out of my facial orfices.

Just grow me a tail and grab me a pitch fork cause I was mad-as-hell.

"Jesus," Reid scowled, rubbing at his ears. "Relax, would ya? I can get them to expunge your record in the morning, no sweat."

Dial down the steam a bit, but there were still serious matters to consider.

"Thank you," I managed to get out rather stiffly. "But that still leaves one problem."

"Really? And what's that?" Reid was starting to slide back into sleep-deprived grumpiness, his amusement at my shenanigans rapidly fading as his eyelids started to droop.

"This." And I opened my robe wide and turned around for him to see.

Watching Reid Garwins jaw drop in dumb shock was my second precious moment of the day.

"Is this a bad time?"

Tyler walking in on it…not so great. Though the look on his face...

* * *

"Well?" Alyssa was waiting for me back in our dorm room, patiently sitting on her bed Indian style. "Is he still alive?"

"For now," I snapped back, running my towel through my wet hair. "But that could change."

"And the tattoo?"

"Henna," I replied, grumpy and tired. "It'll wash off in two weeks."

"That's good."

And it was. Great even, because if I had to pay to get Reid's name lasered off of my ass, there would have been some serious hell to pay. And quite possibly psychological scarring.

"Do you feel better now?"

Strangely…

"Yes."

"Okay." Alyssa was quiet as she waited for me to continue.

"I have a plan."

"Organized Chaos?" Alyssa's tone was hopeful; she hid it well, but she was just as addicted to the insanity as I was.

I smiled at her as I crawled into bed.

"Better."

_Oh, yes_, I thought as I rolled over in bed and closed my eyes. _Trouble, how I have missed thee._

**A/N:** Review! Review! Review! I love me some reviews and the more reviews I get, the more likely I am to stay up and continue this story that I seem to be only able to write at one o'clock in the morning.

I'm warning you now, though: I need a lot of reviews to keep me motivated. A _**lot **_of reviews…


	3. Photoshop is So Totally the Shit

**A/N:** I'm lacking in reviews, people… Also, I have recently come to the conclusion that despite the time frame which I am operating within (2005-2006) I am going to throw in whatever comes to mind as humorous, thus there will be some time warp-age where things from 2007, 2008, & 2009 mysteriously find their way back in time.

"Are you okay?" Kate was sweet, Kate was innocent; Kate had absolutely no idea what was going on.

"Fantastic."

In the interest of my continued freedom and Alyssa's concern for Garwin's physical wellbeing, we'd temporarily taken up court at a table on the opposite side of the room from the Sons.

That didn't stop me from glaring, though.

"What are you bitching about?" Reid had asked me earlier in Art Appreciation. "You had a good time, didn't you?"

"It's the principle of the matter," I'd practically growled back.

"You have principles?" Teeth bearing and fingers curled into claws, Reid showed signs of intelligent thought and _thoughtfully _retreated down to his seat next to Tyler.

Tyler, who hadn't been able to look at me without blushing for the past two days.

"What the hell happened?" Caleb had asked me, cornering me earlier, ever the worry-wart.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." It was a bit of a stretch, me playing innocent, but I've had years of practice.

Caleb, unfortunately, had years of experience with what was rapidly becoming my male counterpart, Reid, and didn't buy my bullshit for a single second.

"Did something happen between you and Reid?" You'd have to be a complete moron not to be able to figure that one out. Every time Reid had caught sight of me in the last two days he'd been grinning, wiggling his eyebrows and his tongue, and generally behaving like an ass.

Pretty normal, save for the fact that it never stopped. Every time we were in the same room, he'd nudge Tyler, who would instinctively blush, before leering at me.

Ass.

"Is something going on with you and Reid?"

"No."

"Then did something happen between the two of you Monday?"

"No. Why? What makes you say that? Is he saying that something happened?" At this point I sincerely hoped he was; anything and everything that could paint him as the bad guy was rapidly collecting into my 'Plans for Reid Garwin' files.

Oh yes, Vengence was in the works. Alyssa had actually been looking a little more chipper the last few days because of it.

"No. He's not saying anything at all. Which is really weird." Kate frowned a moment before peering at me with no small amount of suspicion. "You didn't…_do _something to him, did you?"

"Of course not. Why would I? I love Reid; we're like this," I held up my hand with my ring finger and middle finger entwined to illustrate my point.

"No you're not," Kate replied, relaxing with a relieved sigh. "You're just being weird, like normal."

"Oxymoron?" I craned my head to peer around Kate at Alyssa, who stared contemplatively off into space for several beats she debated.

"No," she finally decided. "It's just you."

"Okay."

"Whatever," Kate decided, shaking her head and digging into her lunch. "You going to eat that?"

* * *

"I want him, I need him. I _have _to have him," DeeDee Philips sighed as she propped her head up on her hand and gazed dreamily over at Reid.

"Go ahead, I highly doubt he'll turn you down," I encouraged, flopping my paintbrush down on the piece of paper in front of me and staring at it a moment before dipping my brush back into the paint and letting it flop down again.

"He's like Edward, don't you think?" I blinked at that one.

"Edward?" I flipped through my mental lexicon of names and came up empty. There was nobody named Edward that attended Spencers.

Maybe Edward was a public school kid?

"You know, the vampire." I twisted my head around slightly to stare at DeeDee. Forget not knowing who Edward was, if DeeDee was seeing vampires again, we were all in trouble. Last time she'd had a stake and a wreath of garlic that had kept her boyfriend and regular friend free for about a month.

I was not looking forward to having her return to smelling like an Italian eatery, and not a very good one at that.

"Like in the book series?" Oh, yeah, cause _that _made sense. I read books about vampires named Edward _all _the time.

My blank look had DeeDee blinking in shock.

"No way," she breathed, straightening from her daydream-slouch to blink at me. "No. Way."

"But there has to be a way, Doctor," I replied in my best Rose Tyler voice. "We can't let the Cybermen win."

It was DeeDee's turn to look confused.

I was starting to like this game; I look confused, she looks confused. Now all she had to do was say something stupid again so I could take my turn.

"It's a book series, Angel."

"So I gathered."

"It's a freakin' awesome book series," DeeDee continued, ranting in the face of my apparent indifference. "You have to read it. Come with me to my dorm room after class."

"No thank you."

"Why not? You have a free period next and it's not like Alyssa and Zac are going to miss your presence."

"Hey! I'll have you know they weep pearly tears of sorrow when I'm not around."

"Right." In the face of DeeDee's blatant disbelief, I did what I do best in situations such as this: I pouted.

"You're coming with me. I'm not giving you an option."

_Joy._

_

* * *

  
_

"Have you read this book series?" I flipped yet another page in _Eclipse _and jerked my head upright to blink at Alyssa, who had cautiously edged her way into our dormroom after a six hour study session at the library.

"When's the last time you slept?"

"Yesterday," I replied, flipping another page in the book.

"Ate?"

"I had some Doritos about an hour ago."

"Showered?"

"Wednesday."

"You need to shower again," Alyssa's nose wrinkled slightly to punctuate the statement.

"Do I? Can't tell; my nose stopped working around my twenty fifth hour awake. Got any food?"

Alyssa blinked.

"No. But the cafeteria is still open."

"Great. Grab me something?"

"No." I craned my head around to look at Alyssa.

"Why not?"

"Because you stink and I want you to bathe."

"If I bathe will you feed me?"

"No, but if you don't bathe, I'll dump a bucket of soap water over your head when you finally collapse of exhaustion and leave you like that."

"Fine. I'll shower," I grunted in annoyance, closing my book with a snap and rising to my feet. "But only if you come with and read to me from outside the stall."

"You're being ridiculous and obsessive," Alyssa informed me as I gathered up my bathing supplies, tossing them in a tote back and shouldering it before turning to face her again.

"And? Your point is?" Alyssa sighed and snatched the book from my bed.

"Never mind. What page were you on again?"

"376."

* * *

"Hey stranger," Reid Garwin greeted me, turning his chair around and straddling it before reaching over and taking a sip from my hot cocoa.

Normally, this would be the point where I snatched my cup back and made some statement along the line of _"Ewww, cooties."_

Reid took another sip, his eyes never leaving my face, one eyebrow arched in a curious manner at my expression.

I had my head cocked the side in a thoughtful manner and my lips pursed as I debated with myself for a long, cool minute.

"What?" Reid asked, lowering my cup from his lips and grinning at me. "Do I have something on my face?"

I furrowed my brow.

"Seriously," Reid turned to look at Alyssa. "What's wrong with here? You didn't break her or anything, did you?"

"She's thinking," Alyssa explained patiently. "Give her a few minutes."

"It takes her that long to come up with an intelligent thought?" If he was trying for insulting, he failed. His tone was way too 'what-the-hell' to be able to pull that off.

"Hey DeeDee," I called, craning my neck to get a straight line of sight on the vapid blonde.

"Yeah?" She put a pause on her conversation to turn and look at me, expectant expression firmly in place.

"I totally get it, but I'm thinking Tyler would be better."

"Really?" DeeDee gave me a doubtful expression before turning to give Reid another once over.

"Huh," she chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment as she mulled this over before shaking her head. "Nope. It's Reid, all the way."

I shook my head.

"No way. Reid's too much of an asshole to pull it off."

"Yeah, but Tyler's not edgy enough to do it either."

"He could edgy if he wanted to be," I defended my stalkee with all due loyalty.

"Please," DeeDee flipped her hair at – honest to God, she fucking flipped her hair at me – before turning her attention back to her conversation.

"Excuse me? Hello?" Reid waved a hand in front of my face, an adorable expression of absolute confusion on his face. "Yeah, welcome back. You mind telling me what the two of you were talking about?"

"Yes," I replied, taking my cup back from him and placing it on my tray before rising to my feet.

"Yes, what?" Reid asked, rising to scramble after me.

"Yes, I mind. Good-night, Reid."

"Wait a second – " Whatever Reid was about to say was interrupted by the arrival of the other two on-campus Sons. Caleb lived at home, so he was never around for dinner, which meant that things with the Sons were usually a little less stable around this time.

"Hey, Reid, what's up?" Pogue greeted, the two of them engaging in some sort of private male handshake.

"Nothing much, man," Reid stated before reaching over and slinging an arm over Tyler's shoulders. "Just waiting for Angel here to answer my question."

"What question would that be?" Tyler asked, grinning as he muscled his way out from under Reid's grip and turning to look at me.

To his credit, he lasted a whole five seconds before he flushed scarlet.

"She and Miss Dee over there just had a very interesting discussion in which you and I were the central focus and I'm just waiting on her to elaborate."

Pogue's eyebrows arched at that. Being boyfriend to a resident motor mouth, he was at least peripherally aware of my self-professed stalking of 'Baby Boy', but I didn't usually like to air my neurotic tendencies so…publicly.

Actually, I aired my neurotic tendencies all the time, I just usually kept the 'Baby Boy' stalking one to my own small little group.

And not in front of Reid. Never in front of Reid, who was strangely protective of the youngest Son.

Granted, I was almost positive he already knew, but at the same time…the only sure things in life were birth and death, and sometimes even those went wonky.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Reid," I replied with a regal head tilt and a snobbish sniff that turned into a full blown sneeze.

"See, you're lying."

"I'm sneezing," I corrected, wrinkling my nose to emphasize my point.

"You sneeze when you lie," Reid shot back.

"Well then I'd be sneezing all the time wouldn't I? And I don't. So there." I would have stuck my tongue out, but that seemed childish and immature.

"Well, you're lying now. And I want to know why." Reid's eyes narrowed. "Is it because Tyler's here?"

"No. What would that have to do with anything?" Reid's eyebrow cocked.

_Oh, Shit._

"Yeah, what she said," Tyler turned his head to peer at his best friend suspiciously.

"You don't know?" Reid's grin widened as my eyes narrowed in warning. "Angel here has –"

"Shit!" Pogue swore, stumbling a few steps as he all but fell on top of Reid. "Sorry man. Lost my footing for a second there."

"Yeah, cause a flat surface is so easy to trip over," Tyler snarked, his face taking on that 'I-know-you're-up-to-something' sheen.

"Hey, man, floors are tricky things."

"You know," DeeDee moved past me at a glide, her expression contemplative as she scanned Tyler head to toe. "I think you might be right. We should take a poll."

I perked up at that.

"We should, shouldn't we?"

Still sitting at the table, Alyssa's head shot up at my tone, her head swiveling until she was staring at me.

I had just gotten an idea and boy was it a good one.

"Later," I waved off the Sons before turning to walk out the door, Alyssa hastily grabbing the muffin off her plate and stuffing it into her mouth, tossing her dirty tray onto the stacks before trotting after me.

"So?" Alyssa prompted as soon as we were out of earshot, removing the muffin from her mouth and swallowing the part she'd bitten off. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking…we need t-shirts. And a color printer. And photoshop." I nodded my head decisively before mumbling to myself. "Definitely need photoshop. Or…"

I cocked my head to the side and let the idea come to me. Slowing to a stop, Alyssa waited patiently for my epiphany to hit.

"Does Danielle Harding still have the digital pictures of last years championship swim meet?"

* * *

"What the hell, man?" Tyler was livid, also confused, but mostly livid.

"Is this your sick idea of a joke?" Tyler waved the shirt in Reid's face, so lost in his angry rant he failed to notice the look of complete and utter bafflement on the blonde's face.

"What the hell?" Reid echoed Tyler, snatching the shirt from the other boys hands with an angry snarl. "What joke?"

Spreading the shirt out on the top of their desk, I watched Reid's face carefully from my position three rows up.

World Geography was a class that I had with Reid and Pogue, so it was a bit of a surprise to see Tyler, but considering what was on the t-shirt…

I had to say, Danielle had really outdone herself. I mean, you didn't even have to squint to make the picture seem believable.

The back of Reid's neck turned red first, a sudden flushing that made me bite the inside of my lips to keep from giggling.

His fists clenched next.

And then his head turned and I had to drop my gaze.

The t-shirts were genius. Pure, mad genius – my creation.

They featured two carefully photoshopped pictures, one of Reid and one of Tyler.

One picture had had a drowsy eyed Reid with his arms stretched out, obviously stretching…as long as you were looking at him in the original photo.

In the photoshopped version, Tyler had his teeth bared, with one hand wrapped around Reid's wrist, pulling it upward, and the other disappearing behind Reid's back to make it look like they were locked in a passionate – and slightly raunchy – embrace.

I got thrills just thinking about it.

I managed a peek from underneath the fringe of my bangs and had to bite down on my fist to fight off a fit of laughter.

Reid's pissed off expression had yet to pierce through Tyler's blind rage, so the two of them were still arguing.

"Look, you dumb fuck, this wasn't me!"

"Like hell! This has your sick brand of humor written all over it!" Tyler snarled right back, getting in the blondes face.

Since their attention seemed to be solely focused on each other, I gracefully straightened from my hunch and propped my head up on my hand to better focus on the show.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Reid's voice hit new decibel levels of absolute outrage. "What the hell makes you think I'd do something like this?"

"Erica Durns, seventh grade," Tyler shot back, his fists clenched at his sides, his face flushed and nostrils fully flared in a truly sublime picture of rage.

"Oh, come on," Reid scoffed. "That wasn't even full frontal!"

"You plastered it on a t-shirt and sent it to her boyfriend!" Tyler shot back, shaking the shirt pointedly.

"As a joke! She shouldn't have let me take the picture if she didn't want people to see it!"

"And this? Did you take these pictures?" Tyler shook the shirt again.

"Ty, this is me we're talking about. I may be egotistical, but I draw the line at stalking myself. And these are definitely…" Reid trailed off for a few seconds before his head suddenly darted around and he glared, narrow eyed, at me.

_Uh, oh._

I maintained my position cause ducking my head could easily be construed as a maneuver of the guilty and I didn't want that.

Besides, _technically, _I didn't do anything.

_Technically, _Danielle had done all the hard work. Well, her and Alyssa. Mostly I'd just acted in supportive roles…like position suggestions and back stories as to how Reid maneuvered Tyler into them.

So we'd gotten a little raunchier than I'd intended. Still, the results were pretty damn spectacular, if I do say so myself.

"You." Reid staunch, heartfelt declaration had all eyes, previously focused on the soon-to-be-legendary t-shirt and the boys therein depicted, swung to me.

"Yes?" I didn't try for innocent. Innocent would have made me look guilty as sin. Mostly, I went with confused, with just a pinch of curious thrown in for good measure.

"You did this." I blinked at that.

"Seriously?" Reid's teeth were bared, his hands curled into claws at his side as he glared in my general direction.

"Angela?" Tyler actually deflated as he caught sight of me, his anger simmering down to light pants as he gave his best friend a completely mystified look. "Why the hell would she do something like this?"

"Exactly," I agreed with Tyler, perhaps just a bit too quickly if the way Reid's eyes narrowed more in response.

"I mean, I know I promised to get revenge on you for the tattoo, but I was thinking something more along the lines of greasing your doorknob with Crisco."

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" Amused, cultured, and practically bubbling with mirth, our World Geography Professor, Steven Whitmore, was caught somewhere between youth and middle aged with a sense of humor to match.

Still, it was mortifying, especially when I reviewed the last words to emerge from my mouth.

"I so totally did not mean to say that," I managed to squeak out as Reid's scowl dropped into a semi-gobsmacked expression and Tyler's lips actually twisted up into a smile.

"Mr. Simms," Whitmore called out as he continued towards his desk. "I do believe you have Pre-Calc with Ms. Plank this period?"

"Yes, Sir," Tyler agreed politely, shooting Reid one last look before heading for the door.

Reid, in turn, fixed me with a hard, pointed look of near apocalyptic anger.

* * *

"So?" Alyssa asked, rejoining me after class. Well, sort of. I'd decided, after Reid's fifth drop-dead-any-time-now look, that it was probably in my best interest to not be in his general vicinity at the moment…or any time soon.

"So what?" I asked, carefully positioning myself so I was within optimal grabbing distance should a Reid like missile appear aimed directly at my complete annihilation.

"How did it go?"

"Great, wonderful. Couldn't have gone better."

"That bad, huh?" I blew my breath out in a sigh.

"Remember what I said at the beginning of Freshman year about you getting all A's due to my untimely death?"

"NO!" Alyssa's outburst was so sudden, so manic, and so out of character that even _I _stopped to gape at her.

"He will not!" Alyssa snarled, practically slamming me against the wall as she reached out and grabbed my lapels. "If he tries anything, and I mean anything, so help me God, I'll kill him! With my bare hands if I have to!"

With every punctuation and repetition of the word anything, she shook me again, sending my head slamming back into the wall.

"Alyssa, honey," Kate's voice sounded from somewhere just beyond my strangled line of sight. "You need to let go of Angel now."

"Kill him," Alyssa had the whole wild-eyed-look-of-absolute-madness thing working for her in the moment, so well, that I actually didn't want Kate to interfere.

Given that this was Alyssa's first real emotional display in nearly three years, it was good for her to vent.

And if the price I had to pay was a concussion that kept me away from the school and out of class for three, four, five, maybe even a few more days, hell, what best friend wouldn't let their best friend take out their frustration on them?

It was in the handbook somewhere, I'm sure.

"If you kill her, you won't get into Harvard," Zac's off-the-cuff statement of fact had Alyssa releasing me so fast I only had time to yelp before tumbling to the ground.

Do you know what head impacting with tile floors sounds like?

You know the sound that a bat makes when it connects with a ball? A sort of thunking crack that echoes throughout the stadium?

That's what my head sounded like.

And then there were stars, which lasted for an innumerable amount of time until I managed to blink them a little bit clear, then a little bit clearer.

I could see a figure beyond the shiny lights and for a gut wrenching second I thought maybe I was looking at God and – _sweet baby Jesus _– Alyssa had actually killed me.

Blonde hair, shiny and clean. Pink lips, smiling angelically. A patrician nose and blue eyes…

And when you put that all together, you find Reid Garwin, leaning over me, trying to give me mouth-to-mouth.

"So help me God, if you use tongue, I'll bite it off."

"Yep, she's fine," Zac offered his diagnoses of the situation with a harsh back of laughter that had me wincing.

"A little quieter, please?" I requested before attempting to sit upright. Reid kneeled next to me, sitting back on his heels and watching me with twinkling blue eyes.

"Just so you know, I will get you for this," I informed him with a pained wince as I rubbed the back of my head with my hand.

"Looking forward to it, _Angel_," Reid replied, letting my name roll off his tongue like the dirtiest of words. "Just so _you _know, the same applies."

"Good to know," I snapped, surly and annoyed, which just made Reid smile wider.

"Yep," Reid grinned and he got to his feet and whistled. "Gonna be good."

"Great," I replied, accepting Alyssa and Zac's offers of hands to pull myself upright. "Looking forward to it."

"Seriously?" Alyssa asked as the three of us stood there and watched the group of them walk away.

I gave her a look.

"I think now might be a good time for me to go visit my dad. I hear Tokyo's nice this time of year."


	4. Nothing But a Teeshirt and a Panty Raid

**A/N: **It's not much, but it's better than nothing. I'll keep chugging along on this, but it's been a pretty crappy week and it might take a couple more days for the holiday cheer to kick in for me. As always, review!

Special Thanks to: lani_milani, Dreamin' Of Sirius, Nanes, krista, nomanslandvicki, and Razzel-Dazzel955. I really appreciate the reviews, so this chapters for you guys. Enjoy!

* * *

"Cupcake?" I offered the delicious treat to Alyssa as she slid onto the bench next to me.

"Thank you," she accepted the fluffy sugary piece of heaven solemn toned and curious eyed.

"No luck with Tokyo?" She inquired, biting into the cupcake.

"I called my father," I answered, licking frosting from the top of my own sweet brand of happiness as I stared contemplatively off into space.

"And?" Alyssa prompted when it became more than obvious I'd trailed off along with my thoughts.

"And I talked to him for five minutes." I pursed my lips and shook my head.

"And?"

"And I will not be flying to Japan to join my father, his business partner, and his business partners son, Kujo or Kojo or something weird like that."

"What?" Alyssa blinked in confusion but continued to eat her cupcake. I didn't begrudge her lack of attention; Zac's cupcakes were mind-blowingly awesome and deserved every ounce of attention they got.

"Apparently Mr. Yakimoru has decided that Junior's ready to settle down with someone who'll pop out a few kids for him. Since I have a womb, my father thoughtfully put me on the candidates list for this dubious honor."

"Is that legal?" It was a surprising question coming from the professed (by me) Queen of the LSAT.

"Don't know," I tapped my chin contemplatively. "The UN does have accords against human trafficking, but I'm not sure if Kujo marrying my womb would fall under that category…"

Next to me Alyssa sighed before daintily finishing off her cupcake and brushing the crumbs onto the table surface.

"What?" I asked, smiling gamely as Alyssa shook her head and shouldered her bag before walking away.

Oh, yeah.

She thinks I'm _hilarious._

_

* * *

  
_

"I need to talk to you." After our little stint of mayhem, Danielle had parted ways with Alyssa and I, which wasn't that unusual. Trouble-making was a national sport to me and I had a marked tendency to scare off newcomers.

Funny…Danielle didn't have that 'what-the-hell-just-happened-and-how-can-I-make-it-go-away' look a lot of my former associates wore.

As a matter of fact, she looked peculiarly _eager._

"What's up?" I asked, hitching my bag higher on my shoulder and offering her a chipper smile.

"You know that shirt you asked me to make and leave where Tyler could find it?"

"_Shhhhh!!!_" I hissed, frickin' alarmed and horrified by Danielle's failure to adhere to one of the primary codes of successful troublemakers everywhere: don't fucking air your misdeeds in public.

It's the first step to a downward facing slope leading to things like capture, incarceration, and, worst of all, rehabilitation.

Just the thought had me paling.

"Not here," I instructed, peering frantically through the nearly empty hall until my eyes lit upon one of Spencer's many, many janitor closets.

"What the hell!?!?" Danielle gave a startled yelp as I jerked her inside, making sure the door was firmly shut behind the two of us and placing my ear against it the second it was.

"What the hell are you doing?" Danielle hissed, her expression a nice blend of confusion, anger, and fear.

"_Shhhh!_" I silenced her again, pulling my best 'this-is-a-serious-matter-don't-distract-me' face to emphasis the dire straights she'd inadvertently placed us in.

Once I was satisfied that we had the all clear and that nobody was listening on the other side of the doorway, I turned to face Danielle with by best expression of polite interest.

"Yes?"

Danielle fear and anger abated slightly as her confusion gave way to whatever the hell it was she'd been about to say.

"About the t-shirt – "

"Call it the Thing," I instructed her, giving the closed door a nervous glance. Just because nobody had been listening before didn't mean they weren't listening now.

"The Thing?" Danielle sounded equal parts horrified and bemused, which weren't helping my burgeoning paranoia any.

"Yes?" I prompted again, fingers tapping a nervous rhythm against my thigh.

"Right," shaking her head, Danielle muttered something so softly the only word I managed to pick out was 'crazy' which was only because my ears were trained to pick it out of sentence due to years of constant exposure.

"Anyways, you know the Thing?" I nodded cause I was tired of saying the word yes.

"Well, I've had several individual's approach me about the Thing expressing interest."

"Naturally," I cocked my head to the side, my eyes slightly glazed. "It was one hell of a Thing."

Cue the shivers.

"I know that, and so does everybody else. The thing is, these people have offered me money for the Thing, good money."

Since Danielle was a scholarship student, money meant something to her and I could tell this was a pretty big deal for her.

It was a pretty big deal for me, too, because I had the startling thought that maybe I wasn't the only one with an unspoken obsession with the blue eyed brunette son.

"How much are we talking?" I finally asked, steering clear of my irrational spurt of irritation at the thought of having the share my stalkee.

Danielle named a figure that had my jaw dropping.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I nearly yelled the words, remembering just at the last second to lower my voice to a vehemently whispered question.

Danielle was emphatically shaking her head.

"And those are just the ones from today. I had twice that many yesterday."

_Geezus_.

I mean, I knew the girls at Spencer had their fair share of the boy-crazy gene, which seemed to run particularly rampant among rich bitches who didn't have to worry about their grade point average to get into college, but that many?

My irrational jealously twitched as new thoughts traveled through my brain; the potential for mayhem here was nearly infinite. If the girls had liked the T-shirt, then what else would they like?

"How much do you think you could get for a pair of Reid's underwear?"

"Reid?" Danielle snorted. "Nothing much. From what I hear, he doesn't wear any."

That drew me up short.

"Seriously? Blondie goes commando?" I was torn between horrified and curious, but for the sake of my sanity, I stuck with horrified…with a hint of amusement, because – seriously – why was I surprised? This was Reid we were talking about.

"Tyler's, on the other hand, would fetch a pretty penny. Word is it takes a lot to get Baby Boy out of his briefs."

"We talking time or money?" I asked, curious.

"Time," Danielle replied before continuing on, "Pogue's would be a little bit higher, but then you'd have to deal with Kate and nobody really wants to have to deal with Kate."

"And Caleb?" In for a penny, in for a pound. I might as well get the scoop now so I know who to hit on an emergency panty raid in case I'm ever short of cash.

"Four digits, easy."

"Wha - ?" I couldn't even finish the word, I was so dumbfounded. "You're fucking kidding."

"Betting pool holds that he's still a virgin."

"Caleb?" My eyebrows skyrocketed and I nearly choked on my tongue. "A virgin?"

But he was so…_mature._

Chicks loved that sort of thing. I knew this for a fact since I was one of them. He had this whole smoldering good looks coupled with a commanding presence, soulful sensitivity, and a smokin' hot bod.

Hell, _I'd _jump him given half the chance.

"If anybody at Spencer has slept with him, they're not talking and neither is he."

Wow – I mean, just – wow.

"But back to the t-shirt," Danielle redirected the conversation. "I still have the stuff, all I need is the supplies."

"And that's where I come in." I knew the score; I was a trust-fund kid with plenty of dough and Danielle had a small stipend that barely covered Friday night pizza.

"I drew up a financial plan," Danielle ruffled through her bag for a minute before pulling out a crumpled piece of paper and handing it to me.

I skimmed it, duly impressed by both her business acumen and her penmanship – on my best day, chicken scratch was a compliment for me.

"Okay," I replied, not really caring that she'd done all this work and was offering me a share of the profits. "I'll do it."

I was just in it for the Trouble, honestly.

"On two conditions." Danielle twitched slightly, but otherwise kept her cool.

"What?"

"First, draw up another plan and substitute any mention of the names Tyler and Reid with the words Sam and Dean."

"As in Winchester?" Danielle's eyebrows skyrocketed in disbelief.

"I like the show," I replied, shrugging my shoulders in a 'hey-what-can-you-do-about-it' manner.

"And the second?"

"Burn this," I thrust the paper back at her. "In my line of work, this is called incriminating evidence. The sooner you get rid of it, the less chance I stand of having two people trying to kill me instead of just one."

* * *

"Hello, Angel," Reid slid onto the seat next to me, letting his books fall to the table top with an echoing thud that earned him several dirty looks but no reprimand.

_Oh to be rich and powerful…_

I ignored him, the same as I had been for the past two days.

For once, it wasn't personal, it was just…business.

Alyssa had gone in with me with Danielle, more as a stabilizing influence than a financial backer. Danielle, bless her heart, had the heart, but her brains were weathered by stress and maintaining her GPA. Alyssa had military precision going for her in that department, plus she could handle all the legal aspects if any should ever arise. She was also great for basic manpower

And I was providing the money. Buying two-hundred basic black girl-cut t-shirts had earned me a few funny looks, but since you couldn't make a very effective bomb out of them, the government pretty much left me alone.

Danielle set up the machines and printed off the first fifty or so before I had taken over. I'd spent the last eight hours printing off t-shirts before going to class and not sleeping. I didn't have a Twilight-high supporting me any more, leaving me in a somewhat grumpy mood, compounded by the fact that I had an essay due in a half and hour and Reid Garwin was touching me.

"I'm going to bite it off," I warned Reid when he poked me for the seventh time.

"Fine. But I bite back," he snapped his teeth for emphasis, grinning at my dirty look before reaching up and looping a strand of my bright red hair around his finger.

"So what have you been up to the last couple of days?" He inquired in such a casual tone I knew he was dying of curiosity.

"Sleeping, eating, breathing, existing – you know, the usual."

"Right," Reid's tone had a patent on disbelief. "And pigs can fly."

That drew me up short.

"You know, if you throw a pig off the roof of a two story building, they will fly for a couple of seconds before they impact on the ground, so I really don't understand that statement."

That shut him up.

The statement was entirely logical to me, but I'd learned several years ago that my logic and real peoples logic diverged somewhere along the way, which was okay; it was a great way to shut people up when they were being annoying as hell.

"You're up to something," Reid continued to twirl my hair for a moment before letting his fingers drift down to my neck. I ducked my head in irritation and turned to scowl at him only to find him smirking at me.

"I'm always up to something," I replied, but it was minus my usual flippant air. Sure, I was practically the president of TroubleMakers, Inc, but Reid was rapidly becoming the CEO – I could so recognize that look in his eyes.

Blue on blue is military code for friendly on friendly fire, but blue eyes on blue eyes was a whole different story.

A whole new kind of grin, that of a predator, stole onto Reid's face as he caught sight of the comprehension on mine.

"It's a good thing I am too, then, isn't it?" Reid licked his lips and let his gaze drop once more to my bustline.

"Later, Angel."

"It's Angela!" I called after his retreating backside, ignoring the irritated looks that earned me as I frowned worriedly at Reid's back.

Oh yeah, he was up to something.

The question was what.

* * *

Review! The more reviews I get the quicker I update **hint** **hint**


	5. Hot Jerks and Back Doors

**A/N: **Here you go masses – a very not politically correct Covenant fun ride. Know this: the only reason you're getting an update on this is because you're such good reviewers. Let this be a lesson: the more you praise, the more I write…

Oh, what the hell – I'm stuck on everything else that I'm working on and this is so much fun to right because I'm not allowed to say these things to people out loud even though this is generally how my thought process works. So this is like therapy, basically…only dirtier.

Chapter 5

When backed into a corner and in desperate need of a non-lethal form of stress relief – as well as legal – I reverted back to my mainstay of Pussycat Dolls, Twizzlers, and Coke.

"It works really well if you snort it, like this," I instructed Danielle as we lounged about in her dorm room.

Her roommate – Lacy something or other – had gotten sick with some unmentionable disease that had STD as part of a description and had subsequently been relocated to an all girls Catholic academy somewhere in the vicinity of purgatory, so we'd set up business here for the time being.

"You know, if this works, we're going to need a bigger space," Alyssa informed the two of us dryly from her corner as she surveyed our admittedly crapped domain.

I shrugged her concerns off – I was living in the moment, and right now the moment consisted of trying not to sneeze as the bubbles I'd just snorted trickled their way into my brain.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Danielle asked, leaning forward and eyeing me carefully before twisting her head to look at Alyssa who shrugged her shoulders laconically while I'll continued to grin manically.

"You only live once," I replied, making hurry up motions with my hands. It was important to rush people into stupid decisions like this before common sense reasserted itself otherwise I'd never get to have any fun at other peoples expense.

Twenty seconds later I was in hysterics, Danielle was coughing up coke, and Alyssa was calmly wiping off the coke I'd spewed in her general direction (accidentally, not out of spire because she refused to take part in my Coke Snorting Contest and told me it was stupid) with one of our earlier t-shirts that'd gotten mucked up a bit.

Course, we could have still sold it. So what if Tyler's face was in the vicinity of Reid's crotch?

It gave the shirt character and me hot flashes.

Tyler was my obsession, after all, and Reid was a hot jerk.

Thinking of which…

"Hey," I nudged Danielle, who had managed to grab a gym towel to catch the majority of her sputum. "Do you think we could do a franchise with this shit?"

"What?" Danielle coughed and blinked up at me with bleary eyes.

Good; she was still trying to get over the shock of having carbonation invade your brain and had yet to reach the pissed-off stage which meant I could still ask questions.

"The shirts," I nodded to the pile in the corner, pressed and folded nice and neat for delivery in the morning. "Do you think we could make a franchise out of them?"

"What kind of franchise? Are we talking coffee mugs, day planners, the works? Or just more t-shirts."

While I understood the value of diversification, I was mostly thinking t-shirts. They were easy to make, durable, and somehow less creepy than drinking your morning coffee out a coffee mug of two boys photoshopped into a raunchy position.

Though it would add credence to the phrase 'morning cup of heaven'. But people would undoubtedly start to complain about how their drinks don't taste like Reid or Tyler, which would then lead to me questioning what Reid and Tyler tasted like, which would have to be verified through a taste test and while I didn't mind laying tongue on Tyler, no way in hell was I going anywhere near Reid until he washed in fifteen different kinds of anti-bacterial soap. And then all he would taste like was soap.

So, no coffee cups.

"I was thinking T-shirts."

"What kind of T-shirts?" I pursed my lips and studied Danielle for a moment before turning to look at Alyssa.

"Do you think Reid appreciates my artistic genius?" I asked in a backhanded way of inquiring as the likelihood of me getting sued by the blonde in question.

"Within limits," Alyssa replied. "And with a high likelihood of reciprocation."

I chewed my bottom lip on that one.

Tyler was sweet, Tyler was kind – Reid was the one who would undoubtedly drive me out of my mind.

And I didn't relish how – exactly – we were going to arrive there.

"Do you think he'd appreciated having his face attached to a sexually explicit and yet ambiguous turn of phrase?"

Alyssa arched a single eyebrow at that while Danielle blinked at me in confusion.

"You can do that?"

"We would need verification," Alyssa informed me thoughtfully.

"What kind of verification?" I asked, not quite able to pull my train up next to hers for an exchanging of conductors.

"Zac."

* * *

"You have got to be kidding me."

Zac was not suitably awestruck by our business endeavor; horrified would probably be more accurate.

"Oh my god," he repeated for the fourth time since we'd hijacked him on his way to someplace undoubtedly more important than here.

"Is that a good 'Oh my god' or a bad 'Oh my god'?" I peered around Zac at Alyssa, who bit off another segment of Twizzlers and shrugged her shoulders amicably.

Yeah, like _that _was helpful.

"Are you fucking insane?" I liked how Zac's voice short of hitched and skipped up an octave with that sentence; it was precisely the kind of reaction that sent shivers of delight down my spine.

"The possibility has occurred to me, yes," I answered, reaching over to grab the bag of candy from Alyssa.

"Twizzlers?"

He accepted the licorice while still wearing an expression of dumbfounded shock.

"Why the hell would you do something like this?" he asked me, still horrified but also curious as he bit into his candy.

I cocked my head to the side and tried to think of a delicate way to phrase my answer.

"Cause they're hot," Danielle put in for me. "And every girl in the school has a recurring fantasy of having a threesome with the two of them."

Zac choked, hacking out a chewed up piece of licorice and coughing up excess saliva that I quickly maneuvered Alyssa's coke towel to catch.

Danielle already had enough of a mess to clean up, after all.

"What the fuck? Are you serious? Is she serious?" He turned to Alyssa – the only one of our group without enough humor to crack a joke about something like this – and went slack-jawed at her emphatic nod.

"But that's not – they don't – that's – why for fuck's sake?"

"Exactly," I slapped him on the back, happy that he got it, and frowned when he immediately turned the most interesting shade of puce.

"Jesus," he moaned, bending over to suck in a few breaths as he obviously tried to regain intelligent thought and totally derail his current train of thought. Guys, apparently, only like to think about sex when they think about having it themselves.

Picturing two other guys having sex is, apparently, sick. And perverted.

Which means that pretty much the entire female population of Spencer's were perverts.

Or would that be pervettes?

"So, anyways, this isn't what we brought you here for," I reached over and grabbed my hastily drawn sketch from Danielle's desk and shoved it in Zac's face.

"Here," I thrust it at him. "Do you think Reid would like it?"

Zac stared at my sketch for a moment, glanced up at me with parted lips before dropping his gaze back to the piece of paper in his hands.

"It's a stick figure," he finally stated, mystified. "With the words 'Hot Jerk' next to a circle."

"It's not a circle," I complained, edging myself close so I could peer over his shoulder at my admittedly less-than-stellar sketch.

"It looks like a circle," Zac shot back.

"Well, it's not," I pouted, tilting my head the side in an effort to make the circle seem less…circlish.

"Well, if it's not a circle, then what is it?" Zac's patience was wearing thin – obviously the stress of having me for a friend was best mitigated by distance…and drugs.

"It's a fist. Hot jerk? Get it?" Zac's face went completely blank – like 'Nobody's Home' blank not just 'Out-to-Lunch' blank.

"Hello? Yoo-hoo? Zac? You in there?" I waved my hand frantically in front of his face, even gave his shoulder a few hard shoves before turning to peer at Alyssa.

"I think I broke him."

"No, wait – he's moving," Danielle interrupted, drawing my attention back to Zac, who was shaking ever so slightly.

"Zac?" I questioned cautiously. I'd heard tales of human combustion and other strange things people were capable in times of great stress. I wanted to be careful not to startle Zac into reacting in a way that would leave a permanent mark on the nearest person, which just happened to be me.

"I think," Alyssa approached from her corner, "that he's…laughing."

"You think?" I peered doubtfully at Zac's subtly twitching facial features.

"He has the weirdest laugh I've ever seen," Danielle whispered to me as we continued to watch Zac's shake, rattle, and twitch routine until – with a roaring snort – he dropped to the ground in hysterics.

"So," I asked, peering down at him. "Is that a yes?"

* * *

"So if we're going to franchise this shit, we need a theme."

"Sexually ambiguous catch phrases?" Danielle offered, carefully selecting a chip from the bag before passing it over to Alyssa.

The three of us had left a half-hysterical Zac in the care of his roommate, a nice French foreign exchange student named Jean-Luc, and headed down the cafeteria for some brain-food while we pondered the next step in our business scheme.

"Tyler and Reid," Alyssa supplied dryly.

"Can people be a theme?" I asked, looking at Danielle who shrugged her shoulders.

"Beats me. I'm all for it, though. There are worse things than spending your free time staring at two hot guys."

"Really?" Reid asked, dropping down on the bench next to me and snatching the bag of chips from my hands. "You don't say."

I scowled as the blonde randomly grabbed a handful of hydrogenated oils before tossing the bag back on the table, completely screwing up the whole 'share and share alike' thing we'd had going for us.

"Go away," I instructed him sulkily.

"Make me," he shot back, selecting a chip from his hand and carelessly popping it into his mouth.

"Angel," I was halfway to my feet when Alyssa effectively reigned me in with her tone.

She was right; it would be a bad idea to attack the mascot of my latest business endeavor only days before our marketing plan went into full effect.

"You're such a dick," I grumped. It was a toss-up to who I was referring to – Reid was always a dick, but Alyssa could have her moments.

Judging from Reid's grin, he viewed it as a compliment. Judging from the downward tilt of Alyssa's eyebrows, she didn't.

I ducked my head in an effort to make myself a smaller target and twisted towards Reid in the vain hope that I could somehow redirect the conversation elsewhere.

"So…why are you sitting here?"

"Why wouldn't I sit here?" I eyed him carefully.

"Because we don't exactly like each other." Reid cocked an eyebrow at that.

"What are you talking about? I like you perfectly fine."

Now _that _had my eyebrows arching.

"Really?"

Reid's grin took on a decidedly unhealthy shine as he carelessly dropped the crumbs from his chips on the table and leaned entirely too close for my comfort.

"Really. I like your hair, I like your eyes, your lips," Reid's voice had a breathy quality to it that was like airborne cocaine – intoxicating and yet, a Bad Idea.

"Uh, huh," there was a breathy note to my voice that I would kick myself for later as the blonde leaned in even closer and I got a heady whiff of his cologne.

"I like your body, your mind…" Reid's voice had hit seductive at hair and had gone to downright sinful at mind. I was practically squirming in place and I could feel every eye in the place staring at us.

"And I especially like having my name tattooed on your ass."

Dead silence.

"You ass," I hissed as snickers and hushed whispers broke out.

"Yours, actually," Reid reached over – a brave move on his part since I was in a finger-breaking mood – and ran his four fingers down my shoulder, my side, until…

I yelped as he gave what little of my ass he could reach a hard slap before trotting away with a bark of laughter.

"You fucking dick!" I yelled, twisting to keep him in my sights. I didn't need a mirror to know my face was about as red as my hair.

"I thought I was an ass," Reid shot back, not bothering to look at me as he tossed the witty rejoinder over his shoulders.

I seethed for a few moments as he headed for the main entrance.

"Does this mean we're even?" I finally called out unable to keep a wistful note out of my voice.

Reid turned and faced me as he pushed backwards against the door.

"Not even close."

"Fuck." I watched him leave with a sinking feeling until…

"Do you really have Garwin's name tattooed on your ass?"

I gave the speaker my best 'Impatient-Sociopath' face as I replied.

"It was part of a secret S&M ritual," I informed them, face eerily calm and cheerful. "And now that your know about it, I have to tattoo my name on your ass."

I reached for a knife as my hapless victim began backing away.

"You're shitting me, right?"

Here's where it pays to be the resident town sociopath – nobody can tell if you're kidding and – having not kidded plenty of times in the pass – people know better than to assume you're not serious.

That was partially how Toyota came to visit us why fine a sunny afternoon last May...

"No," I smiled as a thought occurred to me. "You should see who did it to Reid."

That drew them up short.

"Garwin's got a girl's name tattooed on his ass?"

Oh, _people, _people…

You have _got _to stop giving me openings like that.

* * *

I woke up to the ringing of my cell phone, a horrendous noise no matter what the hour.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," I mumbled into the receiver as I flipped the damn thing open.

Thankfully today I had wisely placed the Instrument of Satan on the nightstand next to my bed. Previous encounters with the dreaded early morning wake up calls had been further compounded by several trips to the emergency room for various bodily injuries incurred while trying to find the blasted thing including, but not limited to: a sprained wrist from throwing the damn thing at the wall, a concussion (Alyssa) for having the misfortune to sit up before the damn thing could impact with the wall, a bruised ass from a failed attempt at ducking an alarm clock aimed at my head in retaliation, a black eye from Alyssa's uncanny aim with her erasers, and a bloody nose because Alyssa and head injuries are not a good combination.

"Not if I get to you first," came the ominous warning on the other end. "Watch your back, Angel. And watch out for open doors."

The phone clicked off leaving me in a sleep befuddled haze.

"Who was it?" Alyssa mumbled from her bed. I stared at the phone in confusion for a moment.

"I think the devil just delivered a warning," I answered, my dozing brain content to spit that explanation at me.

"Oh?" Alyssa managed half-interest around a yawn. "What was that?"

"Something about backs and doors," I frowned. "Or was it doors and backs?"

"Backdoors, maybe?" Alyssa offered, rolling over with another yawn.

I shrugged my shoulders and tossed the damned thing onto the nightstand next to me.

Had to have been backdoors.

I wondered, right before drifting off, if that was an euphemism for buttsex, but sleep claimed me before I could muster up so much as a snicker.

Later, I would rethink my previous nights mental wanderings and chalk everything up to a mysterious power of premonition gone awry.

By the end of the next day, I almost wished it had been a warning about buttsex.

It would have been less painful.

**Review!**

If you can get me six more reviews in the next three days, I might be able to scrounge up another chapter…or two.


	6. Got Wood?

A/N: Got wood?

....seriously, I know it's been a while since I updated. Real life sidetracked me big time. A big thinks to everybody who's reviewed so far. I wouldn't have written this if you hadn't written me.

* * *

I gave the door in front of me a suspicious glare. It woodenly stared back.

"It's not funny," I murmured sulkily as Alyssa moved up behind me, expertly shouldering her bag and about fifty pounds worth of textbooks she didn't actually need.

Lord forbid you told her that, though, lest you end up having one of those textbooks thrown with a surprisingly large amount of force at your head.

"It happens to a lot of people," Alyssa replied in smooth monotones that had me scowling.

"Has it ever happened to you?" Alyssa said nothing, but I caught the slight curling of the corners of her mouth.

Oh _yes._

My current situation was abso-freakin'-lutely _hilarious._

"You're going to have to walk through it eventually," Alyssa pointed out, ever the mistress of logic.

"Shut up," I snapped back, sulking as I clasped my books tighter to me and took a grudging step forward.

When nothing happened, I took another step and another until I was actually in the doorway.

Smiling at my small victory, I turned to gloat at Alyssa and promptly found myself eating wood…for the seventeenth time today.

"Goddamnit!" I snarled, pushing myself up from the ground and glaring moodily at the latest instigator of an attempt on my brain cells.

"Not good, Angel." My scowl deepened and I didn't bother to turn to face my more human nemesis.

It seemed that Reid, through some dumb stroke of luck, had reserved front row seats to my every misfortune today. With snappy comebacks and a generous dose of one-liners concerning me and _his _wood, I was five seconds away from committing homicide.

And this time I was pretty sure I had enough motivation to move faster than Alyssa.

_Pretty _sure_._

"Not a chance in hell," Alyssa informed me bluntly, thus displaying her usual creepiness and redirecting my ire to a less likely to retaliate source.

"This is his fault, you know."

"Entirely," Alyssa agreed, not bothering to point out that, logically, there was no way Reid could be responsible for my sudden inability to walk around doors instead of into them. It wasn't like he had magical powers or anything, after all.

"Just so we're clear," I sulked, gathering my resolves and getting to my feet as I braced myself for a second attempt.

"…damnit!"

* * *

"You're looking…bruised," Zac greeted, taking a seat across from me at lunch.

"You really know how to compliment a girl, don't you?" Zac smiled into his macaroni and I sighed melodramatically as I set to wallowing in my self-pity.

"Oh get over it," Danielle huffed as she slid into the seat next to me, a sheaf of papers in her hand.

"What's this?" I asked, doing my best to sound melancholy and at odds with the world as I daftly poked my finger at the top page.

"It's the, um, sales figures for this, uh, quarter." I blinked at that, straightening slightly and pulling the papers more fully in front of me.

"Already?"

"Yeah, uh, business was really, um, good." Danielle's fingers tapped a nervous rhythm on the table top.

"Relax, Dani-girl," Zac stated, not bothering to glance up from sorting his lunch. "You're acting guilty as sin."

"Huh?"

"The tapping," I informed her absent-mindedly as I flipped through the paperwork, my eyes widening subtly with each passing line. "It's a dead give away to wrong doing."

"It's a nervous habit," Danielle offered, raising her tapping fingers to her mouth where she proceeded to attempt to gnaw her fingertips off.

"There are easier ways of erasing your fingerprints," Alyssa offered, sliding onto the bench next to Zac. "Less painful, too."

"Huh?"

I sighed; it was going to take longer than I thought to get Danielle accustomed to our wrong-doing ways.

Though the t-shirts were definitely a good start.

"So, basically, we have a back order now."

"Yep."

"Of a hundred and fifty."

"Uh, huh." I twisted to look at Alyssa.

"Do we even have that many girls at this school?"

"Uh, some of the girls aren't from Spencer's," Danielle offered, reaching over and letting her hand hover over Zac's untouched yogurt, eagerly snatching it up when Zac gave her a go-ahead-and-take-it hand gesture.

"We have a foreign market already?" I blinked at that.

"Well, no. It's still in Massachusetts," Danielle was so focused on her yogurt she probably didn't get a good look at Alyssa's annoyed expression.

Alyssa had had years to grow accustomed to my odd turn of phrasing. Consequently, because of the effort she had put into learning everything she needed to know to be friends with me, it annoyed her when other people failed to act with the same level of familiarity.

Screwy, I know, but that was Alyssa; she defied the definition of normal.

"So, a hundred and fifty more shirts," I chewed on my bottom lip. "By next week."

"What's up?" Zac asked, watching me as he sporked up some more macaroni.

"I don't think I have it in me to make another hundred and fifty Sam and Dean shirts," I replied honestly, causing Zac to pause, Spork halfway to his mouth.

"Sam and Dean?" He mouthed, looking over at Alyssa for clarification.

"Plausible deniability," was all Alyssa said by way of reply. Zac's eyebrows arched for a moment as he mulled this over before, with a shrug, he decided some things he was better off not understanding and returned his attention to his macaroni.

"So, what? Are we done, then?" Danielle did not look happy. _I _wasn't happy and I was the one making the decision.

"What about the…other ones?" Danielle pressed after a moments of silence.

"Hot jerk?" I asked, leaning over my picked over lunch, cocking my head to the side as I stared off into space.

"It seems unfair," I finally stated, "using Dean and leaving Sammy hanging in the wind like that."

"So think of another sexually ambiguous turn of phrase," Danielle replied with a shrug, earning her a dirty look.

"Hey, genius like that can't be planned; it has to occur randomly."

"So go out and have another random occurrence," Danielle instructed, giving me a faint nudge on the shoulder as motivation.

Grumbling but obedient, I deposited my tray in the appropriate receptacle before heading for the door…and promptly taking another header.

"Walk much?" One of the bitchier occupants of the dining hall muttered in passing.

I blame the concussion for what happened next.

* * *

"It was an accident."

Dead silence.

"I didn't mean to do it."

Emotionless eyes.

"It was one of those temporary insanity things."

A vague snort of disgust.

I frowned and gave it another shot.

"I mean, come on, it's not like I had the most stable of personalities to begin with. Just look at Toyota! And it's so not my fault that the headmaster has it in for me!"

"Now that's bullshit," Zac muttered around the pen in his mouth as he concentrated on the sketch pad in front of him.

I scowled but maintained my silence as I turned back to where Alyssa was sitting.

"At least I'm not dead," I offered as encouragement, causing Alyssa to blink once.

"Not dead, just suspended," Danielle encouraged from her side of the room as she gave a frustrated sigh and tore her latest attempts at manufacturing sexually ambiguous turns of phrasing into clothing items from her sketchbook and threw it onto the giant pile in the middle of the room.

"For a week," I protested for no real reason other than I felt like protesting. "That's like…five days and a weekend."

Zac let out a bark of something that suspiciously sounded a lot like laughter, ducking his head and biting the inside of his cheek when Alyssa turned her displeasure in his direction.

"It's not like I'm going to fall behind in any of my classes," I reassured Alyssa. "I have you and Zac and Danielle and DeeDee to get me my notes and homework assignments."

"DeeDee?" Zac looked up from his notebook. "Isn't that the chick who used to wear garlic necklaces and carry around a stake to ward off vampires?"

"She wears glitter now," Danielle supplied helpfully. "Because real vampires apparently sparkle."

"Sparkle?" Zac gave Danielle and incredulous look. "Vampires?"

"Uh, huh."

"So…they're gay, right? These sparkling vampires."

"Only in the happy sense," Danielle murmured as she sketched another line in her notebook. "Only, not really…they're kind of depressing."

"Whoa, wait a minute, you _know_ where DeeDee got this idea from?"

"From the books, duh," Danielle muttered something unintelligible under her breath before ducking over her pad.

"Sparkling vampires?" Zac turned his attention to Alyssa and me. "What?"

"It's a book series," I supplied helpfully. "They're making movies now, too."

"Like Harry Potter?" Zac hazarded.

"Only with vampires and werewolves."

"And the vampires sparkle."

"Only in the sunshine."

"Okay then." There was a length of silence as Zac processed this. "And I suppose the werewolves glow, then? Or maybe shoot rainbows out of their asses?"

"That sounds painful," Danielle commented with a faint tilt to her lips.

"There are no rainbows," I replied firmly. "There's a vampire, a human girl, and a werewolf love triangle, though."

"What, the vampire's doing the werewolf behind the human's back? Hello? Hey? Girls!"

"Huh? What? You say something?" I asked, subtly trying to wipe the drool from my chin at the mental picture Zac had inadvertently supplied me with. Jacob and Edward together…mmmmm….

Which brought to mind another pair of males that were slightly less fictitious.

Which gave me an idea that had my lips tilting up.

"You had an idea," Alyssa noted, drawing one last line on her sketch before looking up at me. "Share."

"Well, you know the Twilight craze, right? And the t-shirts for Team Edward and Team Jacob?"

"We'd need a Bella," Alyssa stated, arching an eyebrow. "Are you volunteering for the job?"

"Are you kidding me?" I shook my head and wrinkled my nose. "You know who I'd pick in a heartbeat."

"Uh, huh," Alyssa's lips curled slightly and I figured that meant I was probably forgiven for my earlier transgressions into the land of the overly aggressive.

Though, honestly, who knew that the girl would bleed like a stuck pig after one lousy blow? They're called iron pills, honey. Take a few.

"So, we need a Bella," Danielle interrupted, tapping her pencil against her bottom lip as she stared at Zac for a long moment.

"What?" He asked, straightening and eyeing her right back, only instead of thoughtful he looked…frightened.

"Me?" He squeaked. "You want to make me the Bella?"

"Maybe…no," Danielle decided with a shake of her head. "You're not pretty enough."

"Who else could we use?" Alyssa asked.

Meanwhile, I was having bad thoughts again.

"I honestly have no idea," Danielle was saying as I struggled with my inner demons.

In my mind, there were two possible options for Bella. The problem was that I actually felt a little bad doing this to one, and the other, I knew for a fact, would probably hunt me down and do bad things to me the second the first shirt revealed itself.

"Angel!" Alyssa's shout, along with the impact of a pencil on my forehead, drew me back to reality with a start.

"We've narrowed it down to that new girl in the West Dormitory or Mrs. Watson."

"The guidance counselor?" I mentally gagged at that. Watson was short, plump, with hair that was permanently stuck in the eighties craze and a lipstick stain tattooed to her teeth.

"You have a better idea?"

"Actually…" by the time I got done explaining my idea, Zac was torn between laughter or protest, his twitching lips making it more or less clear which side of the fence he would eventually land on, Danielle was outright grinning at the idea, and Alyssa was pursing her lips as she stared down at me.

"Well?" I asked the room at large.

"Do it," Zac finally gasped around a sudden eruption of laughter. "You have to do it!"

"I'm with him," Danielle was grinning. Alyssa merely nodded her head and I grinned widely.

"Okay then, it's settled; Caleb's our Bella. I'll get the t-shirts tomorrow. How are we doing on the Hot Jerks?"

"They'll be ready for market on Monday," Danielle promised.

* * *

The Hot Jerks made their appearance on Monday.

Alyssa sent me a gift the next day to the motel where I was taking up temporary residence until my suspension was over along with a note.

_I told you so._

I frowned as I read and re-read the words, puzzling over their meaning as I reached into the box. I mean, honestly, Alyssa had so many 'I-told-you-so's' backing her up, she really needed to clarify when she sent me notes about them.

When I saw the shirt, however, all was revealed.

I had a scary flashback to Alyssa commenting about reciprocation as I stared, utterly gobsmacked, at my face plastered, live and living color, on the t-shirt with the sexually ambiguous phrase 'Got Wood?' plastered right next to it, with my hand making a cupping motion over a nearly nude male form.

As much as it pained me to give Reid anything, credit was definitely due.

The boy was almost as good as me…_almost._

I slept in the shirt that night because, honestly, it was probably one of the nicest things anybody had ever done for me.

Idly, before I fell asleep, I wondered if Reid had as good a marketing plan as Danielle.

It'd be a shame to let all that mad genius go to waste.

A/N: I had to write this chapter to include actual plot, so it lacks the complete haphazardness of previous chapters. Still, I think it's pretty funny. As always, reviews please.


	7. Edward is a Douchebag

A/N: I have a sinus infection and consequently not enough oxygen is getting to my brain. I also spent ten minutes reading about Cereal Killers. Enjoy.

"There's a trick to stealing cereal," I informed Danielle my first day back from my unexpected vacation.

"It's free, Angel," Danielle informed me dryly, a clear indication she'd been spending _way _too much time with Alyssa in my absence.

"When you come to breakfast, bring a full size Ziploc bag in your purse," I continued on blithely in defiance of her logic.

"You don't carry a purse." I ignored that, too.

"And when you get line, fill up your bowl to the very top, but don't put any milk in it."

"No milk, got it." Danielle had the tone of someone who was humoring me, which I very much appreciated.

"And then we sit." I led her to our usual lunch table.

"Hey, Angel, I got some wood for ya."

"Drop dead, Ramirez," I smiled sweetly as we walked past.

"How many does that make today?" Danielle asked, trying to balance her tray and the ridiculously full bowl of cereal I had placed upon it, never mind the fact that she was a scrambled eggs and toast kind of girl.

Everybody loved cereal when I was around.

_Everybody._

"Seven," I replied glibly with a cheerful little eyeroll. "Honestly, they think they're being creative and intelligent, but they're not."

"But Reid – Garwin," she hastily corrects at my dark look of doom. "Garwin is? Creative and intelligent?"

"He made a t-shirt, didn't he?" Danielle fell silent, puzzling over what was a clear leap of logic for me and obviously not for her.

"Zac, Alyssa," I greeted our usual meal mates at our usual table as I took my usual spot with an unusually manic smile.

"Did you bring it?" I asked Alyssa, eyes practically shining with impatience.

She rolled her eyes in response and reached into her ever present messenger bag, pulling out the Ziploc and handing it over as she shook her head.

"See?" I turned to Danielle, smiling happily. "Ziploc in purse."

"Oh. I see." It was sort of obvious that she didn't, but I let it be as I stealthily, carefully tipped my full bowl into the bag, relishing the clickity clack of sugary goodness piling in on top of each other.

"Zac," I stated, not looking up as I concentrated on getting every last granule inside the bag without spilling so much as a crumb. "You're next, prepare your offering."

The air displaced and I knew Zac was rolling his eyes even as his bowl appeared in front of me.

Different cereal, same sugary taste.

I piled it on top of my Count Chocula and didn't so much as glance up as I grabbed ahold of the bowl Alyssa set in front of me.

Vampires, Leprechauns, and one Cuckoo bird later, it was Danielle's turn.

"Pass me the Cap'n," I order, glancing up this time to ensure that the process is done very carefully, wincing and outright hissing when several precious crunchies tumble from the pile.

"Sorry," Danielle apologizes, shrugging her shoulders, her expression far too lackluster for this most sacred of rituals.

I give her a narrow eyed slitty glare for a few moments before turning my attention to the final layer of my cereal nirvana.

"You know that shits free, right?"

"I'm not talking to you." I state, fighting to slow the racing of my heart as I frantically check to make sure I didn't lose any crunchies to the floor.

"I like your shirt," Reid states, grinning as he flicks a finger against the object in question.

"Don't touch me, you sick pervert," I mutter, jerking away and lifting my gaze to glare at him, blinking in surprise at the sight in front of me.

My mouth drops into a slight O as I study my handywork, comparing T-shirt Reid to actual Reid and coming up very close to the original.

"They did good, didn't they?" I stated, smiling pleased-as-punch as I look over at Alyssa who arches an eyebrow at my attempt to divert blame from it's proper place – namely, us.

"Yes they did, didn't they?" Reid flicked his fingers against my shirt again, drawing my attention away once more from the most sacred of breakfast rituals.

"Is there a reason you're bothering me, or are just being an asshole?"

"What? Speak up! I can't really hear you around the two weeks of detentions this little masterpiece cost me." My eyebrows arch at that.

"Two weeks? Really?" Impressive. The last ones didn't even get the girls two days. "Somebody must really hate your guts."

I heard Zac choke and then start coughing but easily ignored him in favor a smiling serenely up at Reid.

"That makes two of us, doesn't it?" Reid's smile widened slightly at that.

"Funny, the president your fan club is heading this way. And didn't he threaten to expel you for any more wrong doing?"

"How the hell did you know that?" Reid let loose with some bad-boy version of a mysterious smile, kissing the tips of his fingers and waggling them at me as he took a step backwards.

"Bye, bye, Angel. See you around."

I wanted to get to my feet and go after him, but that's a little hard to do when your best friends are trying to wrap you up like a freakin' burrito in a sweater that smells faintly of…

_Mmmm. Muffins._

"Miss Deloras! Miss Deloras!"

"Huh?" I blinked myself out of my bakery induced haze, letting out a startled yip and falling backwards off the bench when I realize the headmaster is standing so close I can taste the oatmeal he had for breakfast.

_Oh fucking yuck._

Ulgh.

"Is she bleeding?" I heard somebody ask from somewhere on the other side of the table and out of my line of sight.

"Nope," Zac reported cheerfully, poking his head under the table to get a good look at me.

"Damnit."

I blinked at that; somebody out there aside from Reid Garwin was unhappy with me being physically well.

I wondered if I introduced them to Reid if they would start an 'I Hate Angel' fanclub.

I could design their t-shirts!

"Miss Deloras," the headmaster spoke from above me. "If you would kindly come out from underneath the table."

"I'd rather not."

"What was that?"

"Did you want something, headmaster?" I drew my legs off of the bench, twisting myself around so my head was poking over its edge instead as I blinked up at the sour faced man in charge of my education.

"Your father called yesterday," he stated without preamble, "and made another generous donation. The School Board has decided to name the new Observatory after him. You'll be required to attend, of course."

"Of course," I replied as politely as possible which, judging from his expression, was not as polite as I thought it had been.

Eh, you win some, you lose some.

"Very well, then, I shall see you…" His attention wandered and he drifted off into a silence so uncharacteristic I actually crawled out from underneath the table to get a look at what had caught his eye.

"Uh, I can explain." The headmaster sighed, reaching up to rub the bridge of his nose as he close his eyes in exasperation.

"You are aware, of course, Miss Deloras, that the cereal is free?"

I hunched low as he opened his eyes and arched an expectant eyebrow at me.

"It tastes better when I steal it," was the only reasonable explanation I could come up with which, judging from his expression, was not as reasonable as I thought.

"Before I forget, Miss Deloras, you wouldn't happen to know anything about a certain pair of t-shirts that are being distributed around campus, one with you face and the other with Mr. Garwin, featuring crude language?"

"Why, no sir, I do not." I blinked my baby blues and gave him my best 'innocent-little-angel' expression.

The headmaster let out another tired sigh.

"That's what I thought."

* * *

"We'll be working in groups today to come up with a thirty minute presentation next week on the effects of global warming on today's economy. When I call your name, I want you to go to the area I've specified."

I don't know why teachers just can't come up with a universal system for group making. Why is it count-by-numbers in one class, group-by-proximity in another, and go-apeshit in a third?

Why do teachers persist in making what is already a confusing time in a young girls life even more confusing?

"Angel!"

_Aw, crap._

I'd spaced again, which meant I had to sit her and wait patiently for whichever group of people were my group to start shooting nervous glances my way.

"Angel!" The voice called again and I turned, blinking in surprise to find Tyler waving frantically at me.

"Huh?"

"Hey," Tyler smiled as he trotted over, depositing himself on the chair next to me.

"Hey," I reply, turning to see who else is in our group, my jaw nearly dropping as I take it in.

"I'm cursed."

"Some would say blessed," Reid Garwin smiled serenely. I eyed him carefully as I mulled this over, allowing my eyes to stray to Baby Boy before letting them fall back on Reid.

"Nope," I decided with a firm shake of my head. "Definitely cursed."

On my other side, Pogue snorted as Caleb smiled wryly.

"We all feel that way sometimes."

"Hey!" Reid's protest were like music to my blood-thirsty soul and I couldn't wait to see what other insults and torments I could heap upon him until this torture was through.

"I retaliate," he reminded me with glittering, dancing eyes. My smile widened.

"I know."

* * *

"So this vampire dude likes this human chick, only he leaves her and this werewolf dude falls for the human chick but she's still in love with the vampire dude even though he abandoned her and took his family – her friends – with him?"

Danielle nodded enthusiastically.

Alyssa just nodded.

"That about sums it up," I chirped.

"What an asshole," Zac decides.

"Hey!" Danielle protests, hugging the Team Edward T-shirt she'd purchased for research purposes closer to her chest as she glared at Zac.

"No, I mean, seriously. What kind of douchebag tells a girl he loves her and then leaves her? And what kind of brain-dead female pines after a dick like that?"

"You just don't understand Edward," Danielle states, emphatically shaking the evidence of her adoration of the sparkly blood-sucker at Zac.

"He's a teenage boy," Zac shot back with a snort, chewing on a twizzlers as he flipped through our t-shirt sketches. "What don't I understand about him?"

"He has a valid point," I felt the need to point out, earning me a dirty look in reply as Danielle hugged her t-shirt closer to her chest.

We'd reconvened our little war council – because if Reid was retaliating, that made him the enemy, and if he was the enemy, then we were the good guys, and since there were good guys and an enemy, there had to be a war, so we were, by default, a war council…at least, that was the logic I'd used to get Alyssa to let me call it a war council.

Anyways, we'd reconvened the council in an effort to go through our sketchy attempts at a sketch that could provide a reasonable facsimile of the Team Edward and Team Jacob t-shirts without out and out stealing the idea and risk getting our asses sued by people who legitimately didn't give a fuck about us.

So far, we had seven good, five maybes, and about three hundred 'what-the-hell-_is_-that's'.

I winced as I flipped through another page.

Make that three hundred and one.

"I vote we reconvene tomorrow," Alyssa put in suddenly, surprising all of us.

"Why?" I asked suspicious because, well, it had originally been Alyssa's idea to meet today.

"Because we're not getting anywhere and if Zac and Danielle have to say the same space for much longer, she's going to move to do physical damage."

I glanced over towards the two of them.

"Is this true?"

Danielle nodded enthusiastically and I sighed.

"Fine, meeting adjourned."

Danielle scrambled for the door, pulling it open with an angry yank and glaring at Zac as she pointed with her free hand.

"Out."

Zac rolled his eyes but grabbed his bag and obediently exited, Alyssa and I following at a less sudden pace.

"You had an idea," I stated, studying Alyssa carefully. "Was it a good one?"

"I think so," Alyssa replied serenely.

"Would I think it was a good one?"

Alyssa pursed her lips and thought it over for a moment before nodding.

"Yes."

"Okay, then. Just tell me…this idea doesn't have a big mouth, do they? Cause training Danielle is hard enough; I don't want to have to worry about the _new _new guy on top of that."

"Don't worry," Alyssa assured me as we reached our dorm room. "He's very good at keeping his mouth shut."

"Great, another boy. Zac could use the company."

I blame me entirely – I should have paid attention to the twitching at the corners of her mouth.

It would have saved me a nice set of bruised knuckles.

A/N: So, apparently, I'm like funny and shit. Who knew? If you like, keep reviewing. It definitely motivates me.


	8. Donuts, Extra Nutty

A/N: This is my most reviewed fic. Consequently, it also happens to be my most updated…interesting, dontcha think?

"Zac, give me a donut."

"No."

"Zac, give me a donut _now_."

"No."

I pouted my lips slightly, tapping my fingers against the countertop of the front counter at Marge's as I contemplated my next move.

"Please give me a donut?" I blinked my baby blues for all I was worth, smiling in victory as Zac faltered in his steady restocking of the front display case to stare at me.

I could practically taste the sugary sweet confectioners sugar now…

"No."

I sighed, slumping over slightly.

"You fail as a friend."

"But I succeed as an employee," Zac replied dryly, shutting the front display case and grabbing the trays to return to the back room.

"So at least you'll have your job when all of your friends abandon your non-donut giving ass."

Zac rolled his eyes and I sighed, slumping over the front counter and letting my chin thunk against the counter he'd just finished carefully wiping down.

"I'll have a Krispy Kreme," I muttered into the counter top, digging in my pocket with one hand and withdrawing a crumpled dollar bill, flinging my arm out into space in front of me and wiggling it around until I felt someone take it from me. "Extra Krispy."

"One donut cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles coming right up," Zac took my order with a cheerful note to his voice and I tilted my head back slightly to glare up at him, blinking as I watched a hand that was most definitely not mine hand him the same crumpled bill I'd wrenched from my pocket.

"Make it a dozen," the now familiar voice of my self-proclaimed nemesis ordered and I didn't have to look to know he'd be smirking that damn annoying smirk that made you just want to…

I straightened from my hunched position, fighting a flush when I realized that Reid was _really _close behind me.

"What are you planning on doing with a dozen donuts and why do you think you'll be taking my donut with yours?" I was shooting for haughty and self-righteous and came out more curious and annoyed, which was close enough in my book.

"Don't you remember?" Reid's smirk set my teeth on edge and I turned, maneuvering carefully away from his body, to lean against the counter to his left, arms crossed over my chest and eyes narrowed in my best slitty-eyed glare.

"Group meeting?" Reid teased when it became apparent that I wasn't going to answer.

I blinked.

"Please, God, tell me you're not the guy…" I trailed off when Zac emerged from the back, using the employee's entrance to duck around behind Reid and make frantic don't-go-there gestures with both his hands and his face.

"The guy?" Reid's eyebrows did a duel arch as he stared down at me, wicked curiosity in his eyes. "Don't tell me you had a hot date and I'm interrupting?"

"Okay then, I won't," I sniffed, recovering nicely from my almost mistake.

I could be sly and sneaky when I wanted to be.

Really, I could.

Except…

"What meeting?" My nose scrunched up in genuine confusion as I stared at Reid.

"Group meeting at Caleb's? For our AP Economics class?"

I bolted upright in sheer terror.

"That's tonight?"

"It's right now," Reid replied with a smirk. "An hour ago, actually," he corrected after glancing at his watch.

"An hour ago?" I squeaked, jaw dropping slightly. "An hour ago?!"

"Yep. And I've been looking for you for the past half an hour."

"Looking for me?"

Reid's smirk was way too self-satisfied for my liking, and I stored the mental picture away for my mental file of 'reasons-why-Reid-Garwin-needs-to-be-knocked-down-a-peg-or-two'.

And then I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and yanked him down so close I could taste the mint of gum on his breath.

"Take me to a flower shop. Now!"

* * *

"It's a pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Danvers," I offered the woman who answered the door a handful of hastily yanked flowers, wooden smile in place as I reviewed my mental lexicons of things-I-was-supposed-to-do-in-polite-company.

Behind me, Reid let out a dry snort, easily maneuvering his way around me as he stooped to give the lady a kiss on the cheek.

He murmured something to her in Spanish that had me blinking in surprise before turning to flash that god awful smirk in my direction.

"This is Josephine," Reid introduced the woman who was holding my flowers with a vaguely puzzled expression. "She's Caleb's housekeeper."

"Oh." I blinked, trying to decide if it was proper etiquette to yank flowers away from Josephine so I could give them to the right woman.

After a brief moment of mental puzzlement, I voted on the negative side. For one thing, from the way Josephine was staring at the flowers, they weren't that great. For another, my hand was starting to itch slightly and I had the sick feeling in my gut that I might have accidentally picked something that was rash inducing.

I rubbed my hand, hard, against my pant leg just in case.

"It's been a pleasure meeting you," I offered Josephine that wooden smile again before awkwardly maneuvering my way around her to follow Reid's rapidly retreating backside deeper into the Manor.

As far as Manor's went, it was nice. Big. Airy.

Lot's of weird furniture.

"Was that a leopard head?" I asked, craning my neck to peer into one of the many open doorways lining the hall.

"Yep," Reid replied, reaching back to yank me forward, eliciting a startled yelp at the sudden forward momentum.

"Ass," I huffed, yanking my arm from his grip and rubbing at it as we reached our destination.

"I come bearing donuts and one flaky red head," Reid greeted the other three boys.

"I am not flaky," I huffed, crossing my arms and carefully sitting myself away from the frantic scramblings of three obviously teen-aged boys.

"You're over an hour and a half late," Pogue mumbled around a mouthful of donut. "Either your watch was broken, or you flaked."

"My watch was broken," I agreed quickly enough, yelping as Reid grabbed my arm and pulled it upwards, twisting my wrist slightly to get a good look at my watch.

"Looks fine to me."

"Ass," I repeated, yanking my arm downwards with another angry huff.

"Really, Angel, you need to fixate on a different part of my anatomy. Why not try for the front instead of the rear?"

"Good idea," I agreed heartily. "I should start talking to your dick instead of your head cause obviously that's where your brains located."

Tyler flushed slightly while Caleb grinned and Pogue snorted. Reid rolled his eyes.

"You need more male friends," he decided, reaching into the box and grabbing two donuts, placing my fried cake donut with chocolate frosting and sprinkles down in front of me as he took a bite of his glazed one.

"I have Zac," I defended loyally, staring suspiciously at the donut in front of me, giving it a slight poke before looking up at Reid. "He's male."

"Please," Reid rolled his eyes. "He spends so much time with you and that weird chick he's practically a girl."

"I dare you to say that to his face," I perked right up, already mentally picturing the smackdown Zac would put on the blonde asshole.

"Reid," Caleb interrupted, a distinct note of warning to his tone that had me frowning in his direction.

"Whatever," Reid replied, sneering slightly as he took another bite of his donut and focused his attentions on me.

"So who is he?" He asked.

"Who's who?" I replied, carefully picking up my donut and giving it the sniff test.

"Your hot date," Reid replied, drawing the attention of the other three boys.

"You had a date tonight?" If Pogue's eyebrows got any higher, they'd vanish right off of his face.

"No," I replied, shooting him a dirty look when his gaze drifted over to where Tyler was watching me with wide-eyed curiosity while he chewed on his third donut.

"Then what was all that talk back at the bakery?"

"Talk?" I blinked my baby blues. "What talk? I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Right." But Reid's narrowed eyed look of suspicion made it completely obvious that he wasn't buying what I was selling.

So, to forgo any more annoying questions I was going to have to lie to answer, I took a huge bite of my donut.

And promptly choked.

* * *

"This is overkill," I stated, sipping a cup of water while Caleb hovered over me. Pogue was over in the corner trying not to laugh, Tyler was biting the inside of his lips to keep from grinning, and Reid was holding an ice pack to his eye.

"You almost choked to death," Caleb pointed out dryly.

"Almost doesn't count," I replied automatically enough to cause more eyebrow raising.

"You decked Reid," Pogue was the next to offer his input. "And he drove you here."

"So?" I twisted slightly to look at him. "You have a bike, Caleb has a car, and Tyler has the Hummer. One of you can drive me back."

"I wouldn't feel comfortable having you on the back of the bike," Pogue replied dryly. "You might fall off and 'almost' die again."

I scowled in reply, crossing my arms and glaring.

"So, what, then? Do I have to walk home?"

"I'll give you a ride," Tyler offered, drawing my attention back towards him.

I opened my mouth to accept his offer and shut it just as quick as I paused to contemplate the meaning of this new development.

I mean, as a stalker, I felt it was my duty and obligation to stalk my stalkee as much as possible. Thus said, I should be jumping for joy at the thought of having the object of my inappropriate obsession offering me a golden opportunity on a silver platter.

On the other hand…

What the hell? Why not?

"Sure." I smiled, widening my grin slightly at the dirty look a glowering Reid made sure to send my way. "I'd love that."

* * *

"So."

Tyler drove with one hand at the twelve o'clock position and the other draped over the gear stick. It was so casual and relaxed I was almost giddy with the insight.

"So," I replied, squirming a little in my seat and smiling widely when Tyler shot me a slightly confused look.

"We really didn't get much done today, did we?" His tone was rueful and slightly put out.

My grin just got wider.

"I wouldn't say that," I chirped.

"Huh?" Confused Tyler was so freakin' adorable I just wanted to reach over and pinch his cheek.

"Nothing," I sang out instead, sitting on my hands to keep the inappropriate touching at bay.

"Right." Tyler shook his head, muttering something under his breath before fixing his eyes on the road.

"So how's Shirley?" I asked to fill the silence and hear the soothing tones of Baby Boys surprisingly deep voice.

"Fine," Tyler replied, jerking his head slightly to look at me in wide eyed startlement. "We broke up last week."

"Really?" I tried to keep the glee out of my voice, really I did.

"Really," Tyler agreed, his lips twitching slightly. "We decided we were better off as friends."

"That's too bad," more lip twitching on Tyler's part that had my smile dimming slightly in confusion.

"Isn't it just?" I leaned slightly away from Tyler, blinking again as Baby Boy let out a faint chuckle that sounded just a little too much like Reid Garwin for my liking.

"Uh, huh," I agreed, eyeing him carefully. "Absolutely tragic."

Tyler's smile widened into a full blown grin.

"We need to hang out more," he proclaimed suddenly and without warning that I froze.

Completely. Utterly. Froze.

"Okay." And cue the high pitched nervous squeak that just made Tyler grin like a freakin' maniac.

"You're fun," he decided, reaching over to pat my knee and nearly sending me into my second near death experience of the night. "I like you."

I think I actually passed out for a few seconds there.

"See you tomorrow?" Tyler smiled at me as I climbed from the Hummer and fought the urge to bolt like a nervous bunny rabbit.

"Uh, huh."

"Maybe we can hang out sometime? Just the two of us?" My expression must have done something or said something because Tyler's grin changed slightly as he leaned back in the driver's seat.

"Think about it? For me?" I stared at him, wide eyed and dry mouthed.

I think I might have managed a croak and then the door was shutting and I was left standing there, more than a little bit gooey and extremely confused.

"What the fuck just happened?"

* * *

"Come," I ordered, tossing a thing of Saran Wrap on the bed next to a studying Alyssa, tossing my towel over my shoulder at the same time. "I have to take a shower."

"And you need me for this, why? You haven't forgotten how to bathe yourself, have you?" But she obediently set her book aside and grabbed the Saran Wrap with a vaguely curious expression before getting to her feet.

"Tyler touched my leg earlier," I replied, opening the door and ushering her out into the hall.

"And you want me to Saran Wrap it so you never have to wash it again?"

I shot Alyssa a confused look.

"No, that's unsanitary. Why the hell would I do that?" Alyssa blinked at me.

"Then what's the Saran Wrap for?" There was a faint wrinkle at the corner of her left eye, a clear indication of her confusion and I took pity on her as we entered the bathroom.

"Reid," I replied, tossing my bathing supplies down inside one of the shower stalls.

"We're going to Saran Wrap Reid?" The faint wrinkle extended to her other eye and I sighed.

"We're going to Saran Wrap his toilet."

"Okay?" The wrinkles dissipated but now one eyebrow was slightly elevated over the other.

"Tyler was acting weird," I explained. "And it's Reid's fault."

"And you arrived at this conclusion how?" I gave Alyssa a look that clearly called her intelligence into question.

"Alyssa, friend of mine, when isn't it Reid?" She opened her mouth, inhaling to deliver a lecture of undoubtedly massive proportions before exhaling on a slightly louder than normal sigh.

I grinned at the victory.

"Isn't wrapping his toilet in Saran Wrap kind of immature?" I shot her a droll look.

"And your point is?" Alyssa gave the Saran Wrap a doubtful look.

"It's seems like a digression," was all she said, carefully setting it aside.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I'll think of something else tomorrow."

"Speaking of which," Alyssa stated, drawing my attention over to her. "We have a meeting tomorrow."

"With who?"

* * *

"I really like your shirt. Can I touch your boob?"

_Prison_, I decided, nursing a very bruised set of knuckles and a slightly sore kneecap while Rob Kazinsky tried to simultaneously hold his eye and cup himself as he rolled on the floor, moaning pathetically.

Rob was definitely heading for prison.

"That could have gone better," Alyssa stated dryly as we exited Rob's dorm room a few seconds later.

"We'll try again tomorrow."

A/N: And I will try and have an update tomorrow. I'm currenly on Spring Break, so I have time on my hands. Unfortunately, I also have homework. And real work. And a room that's about two more piles of random crap away from being declared a disaster zone…so I'll probably update tomorrow. Reviews might motivate me to make it two for one…


	9. Prostitutes, Jack Offs, and Reid Garwin

A/N: Okay, so I was a little bit stuck and started surfing the web to find funny things to jumpstart my writing process and I went to Yahoo Answer Fail dot com and I found a couple of randomly sick yet funny things to include here. See if you can pick them out...

* * *

"I think it will work."

I chewed on my thumb nail as I studied the drawings in front of me, ignoring Rob's nervous swallowing every five freakin' seconds.

Geez, you punch a guy and knee him in the balls once and suddenly he's deathly terrified of you.

I wonder if it'd work on Reid?

I already punched him, so maybe I just needed to ball him next. Maybe that would fix all of my problems.

"What do you think?" I asked, turning my head to look at Alyssa.

"Artistic license," was her sage reply along with a faint upward tilt to her left shoulder. "I could swing it if we had to."

Which was Alyssa speak for anybody tries to sue our asses for this, she was totally gonna put the beatdown on their sorry behinds.

"Alrighty then," I decided, reaching over and giving Rob a slightly too enthusiastic slap on his shoulder, grinning maniacally as he let out a faint whimper. "We're in business."

And business was booming, too.

It was actually a godsend that Alyssa had recruited Rob.

We needed more minions.

* * *

"Do you think it'd be creepy if I jacked off to a picture of you?"

I was silent as I contemplated this question.

There were very few people in this world that tried my patience and up until this moment, Reid Garwin had held the highest spot.

And then Rob's brain apparently went into reset mode causing him to forget the last twenty-four hours had ever happened, leaving me with my current dilemma.

On the one hand, standards of society made it abundantly clear that telling the object of your weird sick fantasy that you're going to be masturbating to a photo of them is generally wrong unless you're involved in a relationship with that individual, which then makes it okay since coupled people are allowed to do perverted things like that to each other.

On the other hand, at least he was being honest.

"Sure, why not?"

Alyssa actually choked on a bit of apple at my off-hand reply and I gave her a harsh whack on the back as she twisted her head to stare at me.

"Can I have a photo of you?" Rob continued on, so puppy-like eager in his enthusiasm I immediately felt a surge of maternal affection.

"There's an old photo of me in the freshman yearbook," I offered. "There should be a copy in the library if you want to check it out."

Rob was grinning and nodding his head as he left the room and he completely missed Alyssa's wide eyed look of disgust and fascination which was quickly turned from him towards me.

"You are supremely sick in the head." I gave her a lopsided smile in response.

"Somebody's gotta be."

And then Alyssa got this truly evil look in her eye and her lips didn't even twitch – they just went up – as she turned her attention back to the t-shirt she'd been neatly folding.

"You do know he's probably going to come back here and make you watch."

_Ulgh._

Gah.

"Well played," was what I said out loud, wincing at the mental picture Alyssa had put into my brain. "Well played."

* * *

"I don't know why people bother with girlfriends," Zac told me later as we sat at our usual lunch table watching Pogue and Kate engage in their bi-weekly massive fight. "Renting a prostitute is cheaper."

"And you would know this from experience?" Zac flushed scarlet, straightening upright with an embarrassed little cough.

"Cheaper, yes. Hygienic?" Reid shook his head as he plopped down next to me. "Not in the least. It'd be safer just to use your hand."

"And don't forget the lube," Tyler put in, plopping down next to Zac. "Friction burns are a real bitch."

"And you would know this from experience?" Zac smirked, reinvigorated with his sudden ability to be able to throw lines I used on him back in other peoples faces.

"Hey!" I snapped out, offended at his blatant imitation before the actuality of our current conversation, and more importantly, the implications of what Tyler had just said, had me flushing scarlet.

"Angel," Reid greeted with a mysteriously little smile that sent a shiver of unease down my spine.

"Spawn of the Devil," I greeted him, my eyes drifting beyond him to Tyler, who was watching Pogue and Kate fight with his own faint smile.

"Whatcha looking at, Angel?" Reid asked, drawing my panicked attention back over to him.

"Nothing," I replied, my voice squeaking slightly, drawing Zac's attention over to me as he blinked in surprise.

"Are you sure? Cause it kind of looked like – " Tyler was looking over now, absent mindedly eating a fry while he watched the two of us with no small amount of intrigue.

"I have to pee." I interrupted Reid, stumbling to my feet and half falling on a surprised Zac in the process.

"'scuse me," I apologized, eyes front as I all but marched past them, suddenly very much afraid to look at Tyler.

"We should hang out more!" Reid called after my retreating backside.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever."

And with those words I escaped out the door before I could say anything more stupid.

* * *

"I think I had a panic attack," I told Alyssa later as we packaged the last of the Twilight t-shirts.

"You think?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"I've never had one before. Nobody's ever made me panic."

"Ever?" Alyssa expression was as close to doubtful as she got so I paused a moment to ponder.

"Well, my chest gets kind of tight at the thought of my father coming back from Tokyo, but other than that…No. Usually I induce panic in others. Having panic induced in me is a novel experience." I pursed my lips slightly. "I don't think I like it."

"So what are you going to do about it?" Alyssa asked.

I was quiet for a few moments longer as I contemplated my options.

Option One: Avoid the Sons like the plague.

Option Two: Avoid Reid like the plague.

Option Three: Stop obsessing about Tyler.

Option Four: Die.

I dismissed Option Four almost immediately. If I died before we graduated, there was every chance Alyssa would resurrect me in order to kill me in the most excruciatingly painful ways possible and press repeat.

Option Three seemed like a bit of an impossibility. Obsessing over Tyler had been my bread and butter for almost three years now – it was like giving up my blanky or being told there was no Santa Claus.

Option Two had the most appeal. Avoiding Reid, however, was a lot harder than it first appeared. The blonde was exceptionally sneaky and apparently in possession of the ability to appear out of thin air.

I could try Option One, but we had that project due in Economics and at least one more group meeting to manage our way through, so….

"I'll think of something."

* * *

"Oh baby You've! Got What I Need! But you say I'm just a friend, oh you say I'm just a friend! Oh Baby, You've! Got What I Need!"

"For the love of all that is holy, Shut. Up!"

I fought the urge to sigh, rubbing my head as I glared at the corner where Danielle and Rob were working.

We were having another creative session, in which Rob, our artist, was drawing picture for Danielle, our financial advisor, to consider as part of the next series of Team Tyler and Team Reid shirts.

Unfortunately, Rob's creative process seemed to involve inappropriate question asking as well as off-key singing.

After being punched for asking if he could jack-off to Danielle's picture, the sullen teenage born had retired to his corner to continue his work, which had been all fine and dandy until he'd started singing.

Loudly.

Drawing attention to us.

Drawing _unwanted _and _potentially harmful_ attention to us.

Which was compounded by Danielle's shouting.

"Both of you," I finally snapped, loud enough and fiercely enough that the two of them dropped their scowls to turn and stare dumbly at me.

"Leave," I ordered. "Everybody, including me, leave this room right now and don't forget to lock the door."

"But we're not done," Danielle stated, Rob nodding dumbly behind her.

"Don't care," I sing-songed back, practically pushing the two of them from the room, grabbing my coat and the key as I passed them.

"But this is my room!" Danielle argued, twisting her head back to look at me.

"Borrow mine," I replied, half mad with stress.

Stress was like the panic attack – unwanted.

Very, very, very unwanted.

And I was feeling a little more…nutso cuckoo than ever before.

So it was probably best if I took a short break.

What little rational thought that was twirling through my head pointed out, very sagely, that leaving Danielle and Rob alone in that room would have led to violence and bloodshed and then the cops would have to be called and our little operation would be discovered and I was too young to go to prison…again.

Though Reid had said he'd clear my record, but I didn't trust that blonde ferret-boy as far as I could throw him.

"Alyssa's not doing anything important – she'll welcome the company."

Insert blatant lie.

Alyssa's annoyance with Danielle's lack of ability to memorize and categorize my various neurosis was growing by leaps and bounds on a near daily basis.

Putting her in a room alone with Danielle was a Bad Idea.

"On second thought, Zac's at the bakery and Jean Luc looked lonely." Danielle's eyes lit up at that and she stopped struggling.

"Okay," she stated, smiling widely as she trotted meekly away.

"What about me?" Rob asked, sticking his index finger up his nose.

"Ugh, well, I hear there's a 1972 issue of Playboy hidden in the library somewhere…"

Rob was gone so fast I almost had whiplash.

"Problems Two and Three taken care of," I murmured to myself as I trotted for the door. "Now what to do about Problem One."

* * *

Breaking into Reid and Tyler's room was ridiculously easy.

"Piece of shit locks," I chirped, giving a cheerful little whistle as I took in their mess.

Keeping a careful ear out for company, I made quick work of Reid's things, hesitating only a moment before diving into Tyler's.

After about a half an hour, I took a step back and beamed at my work, almost bouncing on the balls of my feet.

Next order of business: Pogue.

It was only fair, after all.

* * *

Two hours later, I snuck out the second story window of Caleb Danver's house with a cookie in my mouth and a bag in my hands.

"Thank you so much," I told Josephine, removing the cookie from my mouth long enough to smile at her.

"Go make babies!" Was her enthusiastic response as she gave a happy little hop and darted away.

Humming to myself, I descended the tree, falling the last few feet to the ground and finishing off my delicious cookie before skipping away.

* * *

"I need your help."

Vivian Meadows, Student Body President for the Junior Class at Spencer's, blinked up at me.

"Huh?"

"I have several items I need to enter into the annual Spencer's Charity Give Back auction and I need you to help me sell them."

"The paperworks right over there," Vivian pointed behind me, confusion and curiosity on her face.

I sighed.

"Yes, I know that. I can read. I'm not a complete imbecile." Vivian's lips twitched slightly and I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"I'm nuts, not completely without my faculties," I retorted. "But that's not why I'm here – I need your help."

"Yes, I know. This is the third time you've said that. What, exactly, do you need my help with?"

"This," and I opened the bag with a happy little smile.

"Where the hell did you get that?" Vivian asked, jerking back and staring up at me in wide-eyed horror.

"Pogue, Caleb, Reid, and Tyler," I replied, still smiling like a loon.

"And do they know you took them?" My smile widened as my eyes took an a slightly less than sane gleam.

"They will tomorrow at the auction." Vivian's eyebrows skyrocketed at that as she let out a low whistle.

"Oh man," she stated, staring up at me in complete and utter awe. "They are so going to kill you."

"But they still won't have these," I replied cheerfully. "You gonna help me or not?"

Vivian's smile grew to near astronomical propotions.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world."

* * *

A/N: I was gonna keep going, but the events of the next chapter kind of want to be displayed all by their lonesome, so I'm pausing here. Chapter 10'll probably be up by next week Saturday, if not sooner.


	10. Caring and Sharing

A/N: Chapter 10…very late, but well, well, _well _worth the wait.

"How the hell did you manage this?" Vivian's enthusiasm had yet to wane and her curiosity had spiked to join it, leaving me in the awkward position of either A) having to lie or B) confessing and have a potential witness to testify against me if this ever went to court.

"I have my ways," I replied, doing my best to smile enigmatically. Vivian stared at me for a moment before shaking her head as she continued to poke through the pile in front of us.

So, originally I had been thinking panty raid. So originally I'd only grabbed their underwear.

And then the complete and total lack of originality set in and I decided 'What the fuck? Why not?' and stole the toiletries as well.

So razors, complete with hairs in case someone wanted to perform secret voodoo rituals, soap that had actually touched their bodies for the slightly perverted, and underwear for the truly perverted…like Rob.

Only, hopefully, female.

And just for kicks, I'd grabbed their swimming trunks.

"The underwear looks lonely," I noted, causing Vivian to glance over at me.

"It's underwear, Angel," she stated, somewhat confused. "It's incapable of emotional expression."

I ignored her, frowning as I cocked my head to the side and continued to stare at the thirty or so pairs of underwear in front of me.

They ranged in styles, from plain old boxers, to boxer briefs, to plain old briefs. The most humorous pair had hearts on them and had been lifted from Pogue's room. The rest of them ran the rainbow from plaid to plain.

In short, aside from having caressed the 'Holy Backsides' of Ipswich's version of royalty, they were pretty damn boring.

"Can you wait a half an hour before cataloguing them?" I finally asked.

"Sure," Vivian replied, setting the pair she'd been caressing (Caleb's) aside.

"Great. I'll be back in ten."

* * *

Rob was still in the library, looking forlorn and lost.

"I couldn't find it," he informed me mournfully as I skidded to a stop in front of him.

"Oh, well, that's too bad," I managed to sound appropriately sympathetic before reaching down and tugging him to his feet.

"I need you to do me a favor," I told him, tugging him along as I practically dragged him out of the library.

"Do I get to touch your boob?"

I fought the urge to sigh in annoyed frustration.

* * *

Rob was an equally opportunity pervert and his price for what I wanted was a pair of Pogue's boxers, ironically enough, the ones with hearts on them.

"What is he going to do with them?" Vivian asked in a low whisper as we watched Rob work his magic.

I fought the urge to gag, not managing to fight the shiver as I shot Vivian the evil eye.

"I don't want to know."

"Me neither," Vivan agreed with her own gagging shudder.

"You know," Vivian stated once Rob had finished his masterpiece collection and meandered away, Pogue's boxers in hand and from this moment on, no longer in my mind ever again. Ever.

"You're pretty good at this," Vivian cocked her head to the side as she studied the realistically drawn representation of Reid Garwin's…assets. "You should start a business or something."

Years of blatant lying kept me cool as I gave her a wide-cheery half-mad smile in reply.

"You really think so?"

* * *

"What did you do?"

I just barely managed to strangle my scream as Alyssa popped up next to me, Zac standing at her shoulder his lips twitching like mad as he stared at me.

"Tell me it was you. Oh please, God, tell me it was you." Laughter danced in his eyes as he grinned down at me.

"It was me," I replied, confusion more than obvious as my gaze darted over to Alyssa. "Wasn't it?"

"I don't know," was her reply, her arms crossed firmly over her chest. "Have you committed any breaking and entering lately?"

"Well," I cocked my head to the side, realization sinking in. "If I didn't break anything, technically it's only entering, right?"

"I didn't hear that," was Alyssa's flat reply as Zac did his shoulder shake of barely suppressed laughter.

"Tell me you have a plan," Alyssa continued on, a faint twitch at her left eye making her dissatisfaction with my actions apparent.

"I have a plan," I replied.

_Now, _I added hastily in my mind.

And then I frowned at her.

"When don't I have a plan?"

"Whenever you do something," was her dry reply. "The planning usually comes afterwards."

"Hey," I frowned as I shut my locker. "I stalk Tyler. That takes pre-planning."

"You're a horrible stalker," Alyssa replied as we turned and started walking.

"Am not," I sulked. "I got to be in an enclosed space with him the other day. That's pretty good, isn't it?"

I looked over at Zac for confirmation only to get a half-assed shrug in reply.

"Did you plan it?" I opened my mouth and shut it just as quickly.

"Its okay, Angel," Zac soothed, placing a supportive hand on my shoulder. "You'll get better. All you need is practice. You can stalk me tonight if you want."

"No thanks," I replied, stopping at the door to my next class and waving the two of them off. "You're not that interesting. You spend too much time in the library or outside the girls locker-room."

"How the hell – " I heard Zac sputter as I disappeared inside with a faintly victorious smile.

Practice, my ass.

* * *

Vivian had obviously done her best to spread the word so by the time I got to my first class with the Sons, I was treated to the gut-busting hilarious sight of Tyler sitting firmly in his chair, his hands on the desk, eyes glassy and shocked as they stared off into space while Kate verbally eviscerated the idiot dumb enough to place her hands on Kate's man and Caleb very politely removed one of the Sophomore's hands from the inside of his pants.

And Reid…

Reid was sitting on top of the desk, Indian-style, watching the door and obviously waiting for something.

Something that it turned out was my arrival.

Hands folded under his chin, blue eyes glinting as they tracked my movements, I let out a startled yelp as Reid's hand was suddenly on my arm, yanking me close enough to smell the soap he used to shower as well as the faint tang of chlorine.

"Where," he started, his voice low and completely without humor. "Are my boxers?"

"Boxer-briefs," I corrected without thinking before flushing slightly as any possibility of me not being the guilty party seemed to evaporate from his gaze.

"Or so I've heard," I struggled to hastily cover my ass, biting my bottom lip as I blinked my wide blue eyes up at him, projecting confused innocence with every fiber of my being.

"You are evil," Reid finally declared, his gaze narrowing slightly as admiration reluctantly colored his words.

"Thank you?" I hazarded, the confusion becoming the slightest bit real as Reid abruptly released me with a smile.

"You're going to have to do some serious ass-kissing to get out of this one," he stated, sliding off the desk and moving with feline grace into his seat, leaving me standing there as his smile grew to wicked proportions. "And Angel?"

"Huh?" I blinked, turning to find Tyler had turned his shocky gaze away from the front of the room and had managed to focus in on me, eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion as they locked in on mine.

"Angel," Reid murmured, the liquid slide of the word sending shivers down my spine as I turned half my attention back to Reid, the other half still focused on Tyler.

"We're not wearing any underwear."

I think I swooned.

* * *

"How the hell did you manage to get this past the Headmaster?" was Alyssa's quiet demand as we toured the backstage area of the Charity Auction.

"We didn't put them out until after he left," was my reply, causing Alyssa to pause and blink.

"How…ingenius."

"I know," I beamed, proud of my powers of planning.

"You know," Alyssa twisted her head slightly to give me an assessing look. "Maybe you just might survive."

"Survive?" I blinked at that, frowning as Alyssa continued walking even as I stopped. "Survive what? Alyssa? Alyssa! What am I supposed to be surviving? Alyssa!"

* * *

I was twitchy and on edge thanks to Alyssa's mysterious declaration, so when Reid Garwin plopped his ass down in the seat next to mine, my reaction was totally justified.

I bolted like a startled bunny, only to come up short as I smacked straight into Pogue Parry's more than muscular chest.

"You've been working out again, haven't you?" I murmured into his left pec as I twisted my head slightly to look up at him.

"Sit," was his reply, his lips twisting upwards slightly in a fairly threatening and more than a little amused version of a wolf smile.

"Uh, thanks but no thanks?" I sort of squeaked the last part as I took a healthy step back, twisting slightly to see Reid casually stretching his legs out, blocking my exit in the other direction.

So I tried to go over the seats, only to come up short as Caleb was suddenly there, arms crossed over a t-shirt clad chest and wearing…

"You're not a virgin, are you?" I nearly whimpered out as I raised my gaze from his tightly packaged goodies to find him staring down at me with that amused knowing look a guy gets when he knows you're about five seconds away from jumping him.

"Not hardly," was his dry reply.

"Okay," I nodded, twisting and turning to bolt in the last available direction only to draw up short as mental processes cut me off in mid-step.

Reid to my left, Pogue to my right, Caleb behind me, which left Tyler…

When I say mid-step, I mean literally, mid-step, so I had the realization that Tyler was in front of me about the same time that I flew into him.

I braced myself, half-expecting to send both of us tumbling to the floor, only to find that Tyler had expertly maintained his footing and now had both hands wrapped around my back, holding me to his chest to keep me from tumbling any closer to the ground, supposedly.

But being this close to his chest and his smell and him in general had me biting my lip on a whimper.

"You're not going anywhere." And when he spoke, I shivered, an honest to god body shiver that had my eyes rolling back in my head.

"Promise?" I mumbled into his chest, eliciting a sharp bark of laughter from Pogue who'd moved closer during my little trip to Tyler-land.

I twisted my head slightly and noted, with no small amount of alarm, that they had all moved closer.

"Sit," Reid demanded, patting the seat next to him as he smirked wickedly at me.

"No thanks," I replied faintly. "I'd rather stand."

"All the better to run, my dear? I don't think so. Sit." Tyler's deep rasping chuckle was like superglue and Xanax combined and I had the alarming thought that if he told me to jump off a cliff while holding me this close, I'd probably do it.

So, with all the dignity I could muster, which admittedly wasn't much since I'd left a faint trail of drool on the front of Tyler's shirt, I wrested myself from his grip and settled myself into the seat next to Reid, flushing slightly and shifting when Tyler promptly settled himself on the other side of me.

"So," I tapped my fingers against the tops of my jean-clad thighs as I struggled to fill the slightly-heavy silence. "Bit drafty today, wasn't it?"

Pogue coughed, hunching over, his hands cupped over his face as his shoulders shook and Caleb shot me an amused grin over his best friends back.

"You really have no survival instinct at all, do you?" I blinked at Caleb.

"You can't prove a thing," was my unconvincing defense.

"Please," Reid replied, arms crossed over his chest as he slouched back in his seat and stared up at the front of the stage. "This has your name written all over it."

Actually, it mostly had Rob's name. Or rather, his artistic signature which he had refused to leave off.

_Shit._

I slouched lower in my seat as the realization of what was about to happen hit me.

Okay, so the Sons knew I'd stolen their underwear and had probably figured out that I'd taken the other stuff, too, but they had no idea about the 'improvements' that had been made to their underthings…

"Relax," Tyler told me, lips curled up in a cupid-bow barely-there grin as he slung an arm over my shoulder and began curling a strand of my hair around his finger. "We're not going to kill you."

"You say that now…" escaped my mouth before I could stop it and I closed my eyes, letting my head thunk back.

Okay, new rule: when Tyler was touching me, I kept my mouth shut. Period.

"An-gel," Reid sing-songed, his fingers ghosting along my side and prompting me to open my eyes as I slapped them away and glared at him.

"What?" I grumped, shifting my shoulders to shrug out of Tyler's grip, ignoring the widening of his smile as he held up both his hands in surrender, pulling the right one off my shoulders and settling it in his lap.

"What did you do?"

"Me?" I gave him wide blue eyes. "Why, Mr. Garwin, I have no idea what you're talking about."

Reid was quiet for a moment before shrugging his shoulders, the enigmatic grin returning to his lips as the wicked gleam in his eyes grew to alarming proportions.

"Just remember," he murmured quietly to me as the lights dimmed at the Headmaster appeared on stage. "This is all your fault."

_No_, my mental voice pointed out reasonably enough. _It's yours._

Except I couldn't think of a rational reason to justify that response so I kept my silence as the first item was introduced and bidding began.

* * *

Vivian had arranged it so the items I'd procured went last, after the Headmaster had done his token duty and disappeared with his wife to the reception room with the rest of the people who had either already spent money or weren't ever going to.

"Reid," a warm lemonade-summer-night voice spoke from behind us, causing me to twist slightly, my breath nearly strangling me as Tyler placed a semi-restraining hand on my thigh.

"Mother," Reid twisted slightly, bestowing a warm smile on the woman behind us as she leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek before her curious glance strayed towards me.

"And who's this?"

"Mother, meet Angel, Angel, meet my mother."

My wooden polite-company smile made an appearance as I shifted again, drawing Tyler's hand dangerously high on my thigh resulting in an awkward movement of half twisting as I extended my hand to shake Mrs. Garwin's.

"Mrs. Garwin," I greeted her, my smile shaking as Tyler's index finger stroked down my inner thigh once. "It's a pleasure."

My smile was shaky and I was just managing to keep my trembling in check as I swallowed nervously and tried to appear like a lady of good upbringing as Mrs. Garwin arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow and gave my hand a quick shake.

"You're the girl who stole my sons underwear."

I choked on my saliva, Tyler's hand forgotten as I jerked my gaze to Reid, absolutely gobsmacked.

"You told your _mother_?"

"Of course," Reid gave me a faintly amused look. "I tell her everything. Don't you?"

"I don't know your mother," was my dumb reply as the ramifications of everything came smashing down on me.

_Oh God._

Rob had drawn anatomically correct models on some of the boxers. As in, both sides. As in…

_Oh fucking God._

I whimpered vaguely in the back of my throat.

"Not my mother your mother," Reid replied with a faint note of exasperation.

"My mother's dead," was my automatic reply. Reid shifted in front of me and I drew my attention back to find he had lost some of his cocky edge and was giving an uncomfortable sort of grimace.

"I'm so sorry, dear," was his mothers sympathetic reply. "Was it recent?"

"No," I replied, frowning at her. "It was twelve years ago."

"I see. Cancer?"

"Sky-diving," I replied. "She forgot her parachute."

There was a sort of dumbstruck silence there and I turned to find Pogue mouthing 'forgot her parachute' to Caleb who looked equally incredulous.

"How?" was Tyler's helpful and less than sympathetic contribution to the conversation.

"She was distracted," I defended my mother will all due loyalty. "She said something about wanting to learn how to fly."

"Oh." Mrs. Garwin was staring at me with the faintest look of bewilderment. "That explains a lot."

"Really?" It was my turn to be bewildered. "It does? I mean, everybody keeps telling me that, but nobody will explain what it means."

There was one of those awkward silences then, the kind that happen when everybody's thinking something they knew wouldn't be polite to be said out loud.

So I left them to their moment, swallowing and mentally trying to remember the prayers I'd been taught as a child as Vivian poked her head out from behind the curtains, her gaze scanning the crowds, most of whom where Spencer students, before landing on me.

_Come on, _she mouthed, motioning me over with a frantic waving of her hand.

_I can't_, I mouthed back, jerked my thumb over to where Reid was quietly conversing with his mother. _Help!_

Vivian's eyes widened and her jaw dropped slightly as her gaze took in the other three Sons and she would have stayed that way if it hadn't been for someone jerking her back behind the curtain and I could just vaguely make out her startled yelp.

"Excuse me," I decided to try for polite as I attempted to get to my feet only to have Tyler latch onto my left thigh and Reid my right, effectively putting me in the awkward position of either sitting back down and having their hands in relatively safe places or continuing to stand and having them end up in inappropriate places.

_Keep going! Keep going!_ a gleeful little voice in the back of my head cheered on.

_Shut up, _I instructed, sinking back down in my seat. _Listening to you is what got me into this mess in the first place!_

_Spoilsport,_ was its sulking reply.

_Suicidal tendency, _I shot back, eager to get the last word in.

"You're not going anywhere," Reid stated confidently.

"I have to pee," was my bland reply.

"So take one of us with you." I stared at him, completely aghast.

"I'm not taking you into the bathroom with me." I was horrified my even the suggestion.

"Who said it had to be me?" Reid replied, eyes dancing as he smirked at me. "Take Tyler."

My jaw dropped a little and I turned my head to find Tyler starting to his feet, looking down at me expectantly.

"Caleb!" I practically shouted, lunging for the son who I viewed as the safest option, grabbing his hand and practically yanking him to his feet. "You can come with me. I can pee around you."

"Gee," Caleb was wryly amused as I tugged him forward. "With an opening line like that, how can I refuse?"

* * *

I tried to make my escape when the first students approached Caleb to chat, but he wrapped his surprisingly strong grip around my shoulders, holding me close enough to his side to earn me several dirty looks from the female population.

It took about ten minutes before we reached the bathroom and I slipped inside, leaving Caleb to stand guard at the door.

"What the hell is going on?" Vivian hissed, appearing out of the end stall with Alyssa and Danielle trailing behind her, Danielle wearing the most gawdawful wig I had ever seen.

"Quick," Alyssa ordered, grabbing Danielle's coat and tossing it to me. "Get undressed. We're helping you escape."

* * *

I felt guilty about abandoning Danielle to Reid's twisted affections, but it only lasted for a few seconds before the desperate need to get out of the building had me practically trotting.

"How the hell did they catch you?" Vivian stated, jogging lightly to keep up with me and Alyssa's frantic pace.

"Lucky guess," I breezed, rounding the corner that lead to the backstage with a relieved sigh before turning to Alyssa.

"It's been fun knowing you. You've been a great friend." And I gave her a hard hug that had her wheezing before turning to face Vivian.

"It was a pleasure doing business with you."

"You're welcome?" Vivian had the dazed look of a newcomer to my crazy world and I gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

"You're not leaving!" Alyssa snapped, causing me to turn back to her with an incredulous expression.

"Did you see me out there? They had me surrounded! Reid's mother was there! Tyler was groping me! And I drooled on him!"

"Really?" Alyssa pulled back in surprise at that. "Seriously?"

"Wow," Vivian breathed, eyes going slightly out of whack before refocusing on me with jealous admiration. "You lucky bitch."

"What? The drooling?" I blinked in confusion.

"The groping!" Vivian exclaimed, shaking her head at my brainlessness.

"Oh, yeah. That." My own eyes glazed over for a moment before reality reasserted itself with the swishing of the curtains.

"I have to go," I stated, drawing away from the two of them only to come up short as Alyssa gave my arm a hard tug.

"You're not leaving town," her tone was firm, demanding, and as much as I wanted to disagree, I had the distinct feeling that if I tried to run, the Sons would become the least of my worries.

"No," I finally stated on a sigh, my shoulders slumping slightly at the implications of my agreement. "I guess I'm not."

Raucous cheering erupted suddenly, grating on my already raw nerves, and I turned my head slightly in reflex, already looking away before recognition hit causing me to do a double take.

"Oh. My. God."

"What?" Both Alyssa and Vivian wore almost identical looks of alarm…sort of. Alyssa's look of alarm was visibly less alarmed than Vivian's, but I recognized it as one of super alarm on her usually expressionless face.

"That's my thong."

"Huh?" I grabbed Vivian's head and forcibly turned it towards the stage, which we could just make out, and the lime green thong that was currently dangling from Reid's fingers.

"And in front of his mother! I'm going to kill him!"

I was moving before either Alyssa or Vivian could really process my thought process, but not fast enough.

"Uh, uh, naughty Angel. No killing for you," Pogue grunted as he lifted me off my feet, throwing me over his shoulder as he marched out on to the stage next to Reid.

"Let go of me you…you…jerk!"

So I was lacking in creative insults. You try to be witty when somebody's shoulder blade is jammed into your solar plexus.

"Nice," was all Pogue said by way of reply before setting me on my feet next to Reid, slinging a solid arm over my shoulders to pin me in place as he grinned and waved at the audience.

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is our final item up for bid."

I tried to twist in Pogue's grip to get a glimpse of whatever was in Reid's hands only to find his hands...pointed towards me.

"What?" I breathed, eyes widening in horrified realization as I gaped at him.

"One slightly used, _flaky _red head still in possession of all her original parts – "

"For now," Pogue chirped cheerfully, eliciting another round of laughter from the audience.

"For now," Reid agreed with that wicked grin that I admired for its owners sneakiness and desired desperately to smack off his face.

"Opening bid starts at five dollars."

"I'm going to kill you!" I screeched, shoving Pogue's arm off of me and launching myself at Reid, only to be drawn up short as Pogue caught me mid-leap.

"Ah, _ah_," he scolded, his hands sliding along my arms as he fought to get a grip around my middle, hauling me tight against his body as I kicked out in nearly blind rage.

"On second thought, lets go for two dollars – she doesn't seem like she'd be much fun now, does she?"

"I'll show you fun," I promised, voice appropriately low and threatening as Reid drifted dangerously close to scratching distance.

"Ah, ah, ah," Reid scolded, drawing the mike away from his mouth as he smirked at me. "Remember Angel, you have some serious ass-kissing to do."

My reply was succinct and to the point, eliciting a startled bark of laughter from Pogue who's grip was iron hard.

"That sounds like fun," he stated on a whisper of laughter. "Maybe I should suggest it to Kate sometime."

"Eat shit and die."

"I'll take that bid!" a familiar voice called from the back, causing me to freeze in Pogue's grip.

"Four dollars!" An equally familiar deep voice yelled in response.

"Oh no." I whispered, eyes wide, face pale as I tried to see past the blinding stage lights.

"Fifteen," a strangers voice drawled from near the front.

"Twenty-seven!" was the sporadic call from the back.

"Oh _No._"

"Fifty-three!" Caleb's voice cheerfully and erratically raised the price.

"Two hundred!" Pogue called out, nearly deafening me with his booming voice.

"OW!" I twisted to glare at him.

"What the hell?" Reid spoke, drawing my attention back to him as he ran his gaze up and down my body with a lecherous smirk. "Five hundred!"

Oh _No._ Oh God _No._

"Five hundred and one!" Tyler called out, eliciting a relieved sigh that had me relaxing in Pogue's grip.

"Five hundred and seventeen!" Reid answered.

"Five hundred and twenty!"

"Five fifty-five!"

"Five fifty-six!"

Pogue was openly laughing in my ear by now, which was great. I was so glad at least one of us found this whole situation amusing.

I hung limply in his grip and Tyler and Reid cat-called back and forth, the price steadily rising until suddenly someone called out the word '_Sold!'_ and I was whisked away to the backstage area.

"Huh? What?" I stared blankly at Reid's smirking face before Pogue's delighted chuckle drew my attention towards him.

"Congratulations," Pogue gripped my shoulders in his hands before turning me back towards Reid, who by now had been joined by Tyler, the two one them doing some sort of weird ritualistic handshake before turning as one to grin identical wolf-grins in my direction.

"Who won?" I managed to ask through suddenly numb lips.

"That's the beauty of it," Pogue gave me a none too gentle shove in their direction. "They've agreed to share."

"_Oh God._"

A/N: Well? What do you think? I actually couldn't stop giggling as I wrote this. I think I even had a few hot flashes…And Chace Crawford does have the sexiest gravely voice I've ever heard. I want to make a recording of it and listen to it every night before I go to bed.


	11. Dinner and a Drowning

"No."

"Honey, you aren't allowed to say no until tomorrow."

I fought the urge to swoon at Tyler calling me honey, settling instead for glaring in their general direction as I tried to tug the hem of my dress down.

"Stop it," Reid slapped at my hands, earning him a teeth baring hiss in reply that had his cat-ate-the-canary grin widening.

"Nice," he commented, reaching forward to pull open the front door. "They're going to love you."

My breath caught in my chest at that reminder and I actually choked a little on my saliva as I wheezed at him.

"You bastard."

"Not according to my mother," was his cheerful reply as Tyler placed a hand in the small of my back and gave me a small shove forward.

My expression went a little slack and reality swam for a few moments and suddenly I was inside and walking with very little memory of how I'd gotten then aside from…

"This is all your fault," I hissed twisting slightly to glare at Reid and completely avoid looking at Tyler.

Looking at Tyler was bad for my concentration and I needed every bit of it that I could scrap together if I was going to do the family name proud.

"Don't blame me," Reid replied, rubbing an eyebrow with a wide smirk before pointing to me with the same finger. "They're your hormones."

I flushed scarlet as Tyler chuckled and hugged myself closer as shivers reverberated up and down my spine at the noise.

"Evil," I muttered under my breath.

"We're here," Reid stated, drawing my attention back to the reality of the moment as I pasted my best fake smile in place and braced myself for the torture ahead.

"Son!" Reid's father was tall, blonde, cheerfully enthusiastic, and obviously…not surprised to see me.

"You must be the Angel who's been giving my boy a run for his money," was his greeting as he pulled out a seat for me. "Sit! Sit! I want to hear all about it."

* * *

Twenty minutes in Mr. 'Call me Ethan' Garwin's company and I came to the sinking realization that Reid's devilish streak was inherited.

When his mother appeared, Tyler's parents in tow, I was actually so relieved my smile became real for about five seconds until Mr. Simms greeted me with 'So you're the girl who's been stalking my son.'

And then his mother said 'You're a lot prettier than I expected.'

And to top it all off, Caleb and Pogue showed up with his parents.

"You fucker," I simpered at Reid as the parents greeted each other happily.

"Language, Angel," Reid reminded me, reaching up to curl a tangle of my hair around his finger. I reacted by pounding my fist down as close to his groin as I could get, receiving a soothing reward with his choking gasp and his father's worried exclamation about being choked up in the presence of a real lady.

He managed to pull off that statement with such utter innocence and cheerful disregard that I found my estimation of him rising to almost equal parts to that of his son.

_Sneaky bastard, _I admitted with grudging respect as Tyler, who was sitting on my opposite side, slung his arm over my shoulders, drawing my attention over to him as I caught sight of the evil look in Reid's eyes.

"So," Tyler broke in, and I could just make out his own devil-may-care smile through the sudden glazed adoration that seemed to me emanating from my insides.

_Oh good God,_ my inner voice snapped. _Snap out of it, you crazy bitch!_

I shook my head slightly, narrowing my eyes as Pogue started laughing and even Caleb was grinning, the parents pasting politely interested smiles on their faces but you'd have to be a complete moron not to notice the twitching lips and crinkling eyes.

"Angel," Tyler's mother broke in, drawing my attention in her direction. "The boys tell us donating their underwear to the Charity Auction was your idea. However did you manage to convince them to go through with it?"

"Yes, Angel, I'd really like to know," Ethan Garwin broke in, his fingers firmly entwined with his wife's as he blinked his baby blues in my direction, the humorous gleam in their depths making it damn well clear that he knew how exactly I had done it.

_Seven plus years of Breaking and Entering experience_, would have been my honest answer if I had felt that it was safe to be honest. But since Tyler's dad was a lawyer and I was not desirous of a return to County lock-up, I pasted a wide smile on my face and summoned the best damn answer I could think of.

"Magic."

There was a sort of dumbstruck silence as everyone at the table gaped at me.

My first instinct was that maybe they were religious or something. You know, uber Christians who hated the word magic and thought that Penn and Teller were instruments of Satan that deserved to be burned at the stake.

My second thought, as Mrs. Garwin's lips twitched and Mr. Parry choked slightly, his wife patting him enthusiastically on the back as she continued to stare at me in some odd sort of wide-eyed wonder, was that maybe they weren't religious. Maybe they were just stupid and actually thought I was being serious.

"Charms?" I hazarded as a pseudo-second guess. "Magical Charms?"

My eyes rolled over towards Reid who had his head cocked the side, his bottom lip firmly embedded between his teeth as he seemed to struggle with himself for some sort of reaction.

"I offered them puppies?" I mean, after all, who doesn't like puppies? They're cute, cuddly, they love to lick your face, your ears, they eat everything, defecate anywhere, and smell whenever you get them wet…

"Feminine wiles?"

By now Mr. Simms had his hand up covering his face and hiding his reaction. Mr. Parry had given up on not choking and was fully embracing whatever was stuck in his throat as he let his head drop to the table, a spastic snort emerging from his mouth.

Mrs. Parry looked like she really want to have some sort of reaction, but settled for continuing to stare at me in puzzled wonderment.

Mrs. Garwin had her head buried in her husbands shoulder, her mouth moving at a rapid pace but her words too quiet for me to hear.

Mrs. Simms had her lips pursed and was quite obviously biting the inside of her cheek for all the good it did. Her eyes were still watering and her body was still shaking as she struggled not to give in the urge to laugh.

And Mr. Garwin?

Mr. Garwin had a piece of asparagus on his fork which he was studying with the utmost concentration.

"I think they used low-fat butter on this," he murmured, twisting it as if to find an answer to his question on its other side. "Does it taste funny to you?"

And he offered his fork to me, asparagus on it, leaving me in the awkward position of refusing.

"Allergic?" Mr. Garwin winced sympathetically.

"Sort of."

_Actually, I just hate it_, didn't seem like a very appropriate response and we were all about appropriate responses here.

Especially since the parents were acting like teenagers who had just heard their first dirty joke, while Tyler had released my hair (which I was grateful for since his touching me had been what set this whole thing off in the first place) and turned his attention to his meal, tears dripping down his face as he did a hell of a lot better job suppressing his laughter than his mother was.

Pogue was in hysterics, Caleb was conversing with Mr. Garwin about the state of the asparagus which left me wondering as to the eldest Sons mental state and Reid…

"See?" Reid speared a shaft of broccoli and pointed it at me before biting it off. "I told you they'd love you."

"Your families are freakin' lunatics," was my reply. "Pass the salt."

* * *

"So you're a Junior like the boys," Mr. Parry re-initiated conversation after an appropriate span of time had passed and the adults had regained control of themselves, thank fucking God. If they so much as twitched one more time I would have forgotten my manners and forked the whole lot of them to the tabletop. "Do you have any idea what sort of internship you'd like to try next year?"

Since I'd decided about fifteen minutes ago that the Sons of Ipswich were descendent from a bunch of crazies, I'd been stuffing my face with as much good food as I could, mostly the rolls and honey butter, so that when they started in on their weird hoodoo-voodoo insanity that undoubtedly would follow their degeneration back into childhood I could book it on a full belly.

As such, when Mr. Parry asked his question, I had half a roll stuffed into my mouth, puffing out my cheeks and making me look like a demented red-headed chipmunk.

"Genetics?" I hazarded, trying like hell not to spit crumbs in his general direction.

Pogue started laughing again and I was sorely tempted to chuck the next roll at his head, but that would have been a waste of a perfectly delicious roll, so I settled for glaring and mental recalculation of plans to include Pogue in the revenge schema somewhere.

And then I remembered Rob and Pogue's boxers, which failed to adhere to the 'forever out of mind' clause that had been part of that little exchange, and decided that maybe I'd better let Pogue have his fun now so he had plenty of good memories so that when he figured out the truth, be it tomorrow or twenty-years from now, I had enough good karma in his books to avoid him killing me.

My smile must have seemed a little demented because Pogue stopped laughing to stare at me in horrified fascination.

"Your foods showing, dear," his mother pointed out very politely, the whole lot of them equally politely ignoring my embarrassed flush.

"Genetics," Mr. Parry stated, frowning slightly. "I didn't know they offered that at Spencers."

"My father knows some people," was my haphazardly true response. My father _did _know people.

As to whether or not he knew anybody who did anything in genetics…it was entirely possible.

"I hear you have two older brothers," Mr. Garwin, who I was supposed to be calling Ethan but didn't really want to since the man was almost as deviously scary as his son…or maybe moreso…, was the next to initiate the talking.

"Dill and Pickle," I agreed solemnly as I swallowed the last of the roll in my mouth, eyeing the roll on my plate for a moment before deciding that right now had been apparently declared Talking Time and it was rude to talk with your mouthful.

_Again._

"What odd names," Mrs. Simms murmured quietly as she cocked her head to the side and blinked at me. "Are they French?"

"No," I replied, blinking my own eyes at her in bewilderment. "They're American."

"Like Valassic," was Pogue's helpful contribution.

"Who?" I squinted at him, confused.

"It's a brand of pickles," Caleb broke in, shooting a half exasperated look in Pogue's direction.

"Oh." I blinked at that, my eyes widening slightly as Mrs. Simms words went through my 'Normal People Speak' filter.

"Oh!" I smiled widely as I turned to look at her. "Their real names are Dylan and Parker," I explained quickly. "And they're identical twins so I started calling them Dill and Pickle based on their facial expressions."

"Facial expressions?" Mrs. Simms murmured faintly, exchanging befuddled looks with the other two women.

"Well, Dill kind of has this permanent sour expression on his face," I picked up a stalk of asparagus and used my fork to give it a few squiggly facial expressions lines. "And Parker kind of has this spotty way of looking."

I mutilated another asparagus stalk, poking a couple of holes in it before setting the two stalks side by side and beaming at my artistic genius.

"Really?" Mr. Garwin beamed as he glanced back and forth between my two edible representations of my familial unit. "I can't tell the difference."

"That's cause they're twins," I replied cheerfully. "You have to get real close and say something stupid before their differences become apparent."

"Like what?" Mr. Garwin leaned forward, giving the appearance of being supremely interested in our conversation.

I tried to think back to the last conversation – face-to-face – that I had had with the twins.

"Well, the last time it was about sandwiches…"

"Sandwiches?" Tyler choked out, his voice squeaking slightly and ruining his innate sexy appeal enabling me to maintain my concentration.

"Dill told me that there was nothing in the fridge that you could make a sandwich out of and I told him I could make a sandwich out of anything and so I did and then Pickle," I picked up the appropriate asparagus stalk for each brother and set them facing each other as I talked. "Pickle told me that that wasn't a sandwich it was a level three biohazard and since he works for the CDC I'm pretty sure he knows what he's talking about. So I asked him if that meant that if I got caught carrying the sandwich on a subway in New York, did that make me a bio-terrorist? And he told me yes," the stalk designated Parker wiggled enthusiastically. "And then Dill," the Dill stalk gave a little skip at becoming an active participant in the story, "asked Pickle how one would go about charging me with a crime, stating that there was no law on the books saying that a girl couldn't have a sandwich while riding the subway. And then Pickle hit Dill upside the head and said 'It's not a sandwich anymore, dumbass. It's a biological weapon.' And Dill argued that if I could eat it and not die then it couldn't be a biological weapon. So I tried to take a bite of it and they tackled me to the floor where Dill started yelling at me while Pickle flushed it down the toilet."

I concluded my story with a dramatic flourish of my asparagus actors, beaming as I looked upwards to take in my audiences reactions.

Dumbstruck silence greeted me and I winced slightly as I looked over at Mr. Garwin.

"You have asparagus falling out of your mouth."

"Huh?" was his reply, blinking himself out of his startled daze as he realized the food he'd carefully placed in his mouth had been steadily falling out for a while now.

"What?" Mrs. Garwin shook her head to regain her equilibrium, staring around the table in bewilderment at the other completely befuddled faces.

Even the Sons looked completely gravied by my story and I got the sinking feeling that maybe, just perhaps, I'd short-circuited all their powers of mental deduction.

Which was just about perfect, actually.

I smiled blandly at the whole table as I wiped my mouth.

"I have to pee."

* * *

"You have to come pick me up," I informed Alyssa in half-panic as I paced the swanky ladies room of the high-posh restaurant Reid and Tyler had kidnapped me to. "These people are fucking loons."

The terms of the agreement they'd hammered out with Vivian concerning my auctioning off had been fairly simple and straightforward: as long as I remained healthy, sane, and an active participant in all of this evenings socially acceptable activities, I was theirs to do with as they pleased until midnight.

It was only eight o'clock right now and I just knew that if I tried for midnight, somebody would be dead.

At this point, it was blind hope on my part that it would be me.

"They haven't tried anything unbecoming towards you, have they?"

"Unbecoming of what?" I questioned blankly. "Human beings? Boys? Perverts?"

"All of the above," was Alyssa's succinct reply.

"No, but I think I just killed their parents."

"WHAT?!" The cry wasn't Alyssa's but rather Vivian's and Danielle's and Zac's and some other people whose voices I couldn't readily identify.

"Alyssa?" I winced as I stared at the phone for one long bewildered moment.

"Angel," Alyssa's grave voice came back on the line.

"Who the hell were those people?"

"You're deflowering party," was Alyssa's dry response.

"My what-a party?"

"They're celebrating you having sex with Tyler and Reid."

"Oh." I blinked at that. "When is that supposed to be happening? Did they tell you that was the plan for tonight?"

There was a long moment of silence on the other end of the phone.

"That isn't their plan?" Even Alyssa sounded vaguely puzzled by this turn of events.

"Not unless it includes their parents."

"Their parents?" Alyssa's voice rose in pitch and there was a lot of feverish whispering going on behind her. "You're with their parents?"

"They took me to dinner," I replied. "With their parents, only I think I may have just killed them."

Another long pause.

"Their parents?"

"Yes," I confirmed, nodding my head and feeling completely ridiculous because, honestly, who nods their head at the phone?

"How?"

"I don't know!" I hissed back. "I mean, one second I was telling them about Dill and Pickle and the Sandwich War and the next they were just sitting there looking like an atom bomb had completely obliterated their brain cells! I think they're brain dead!"

I sort of wailed the last part, one hand gripping at my hair and tugging a few strands loose from the swanky style Josephine had done earlier that day.

"They took you to meet their parents?" Alyssa repeated, making it abundantly obvious she hadn't reached the point where she was able to process the second half of what I had told her.

"Yes." I confirmed.

"Dinner with the parents?" Alyssa quadruple checked.

"YES! Why? What's so damn important about that?"

"Angel," Alyssa informed me with the slightest edge of panic to her words. "Listen to me carefully: do not go near any chapels, churches, court-houses, or anybody dressed like Elvis in the next four hours."

"Huh?"

"They're going to marry her!" Vivian exclaimed in the background, startling me damn close to a heart attack.

"Wha – what? Huh? Alyssa?" I leaned back against the bathroom wall, gaping at nothing and clutching at my chest.

"There's only one reason guys like that bring girls like you home to meet their parents."

"But we're seventeen," I wheezed. "It isn't even legal."

"Not in the states," was Alyssa's ominous reply.

"Oh God." I breathed, staring blankly at the mirror across from me. "Oh _God._ I have to – I'm going to – "

I wheezed again. "If you don't hear from me in twenty-four hours, start calling the foreign embassies. Start with France. It's been nice knowing you."

Shutting the phone and tucking it securely in my bra in case I needed it later, I hitched myself up onto the ledge of the bathrooms only window, feet kicking as I wiggled my front half through only to come to a yelping halt as someone inside grabbed my legs and yanked me back down.

* * *

"Found her," Caleb chirped cheerfully as he not-so-gently steered me back into my seat between an amused Reid and an equally pleased Tyler.

"Dear," Mrs. Simms clucked her tongue as she stared at me.

"What?" I asked, somewhat dazedly.

"You have foliage in your hair."

* * *

"It's been wonderful," Mrs. Garwin informed me with a smile as she placed a kiss on my cheek, hugging me close for a moment before passing me on to Mrs. Simms who repeated the gestures. Mrs. Parry settled for a slight handshake leaving me with a queasy feeling in my gut as the fathers collected their wives and headed for their respective cars.

"I'll be seeing you around," Mr. Garwin promised me with a quick wink that had my panic rising.

"What does that mean?" I jiggled in place as I started after him only to come up short as Tyler grabbed my arm. "What did he mean?"

"You'll find out soon enough," was Reid's ominous reply as Pogue pulled up in Tyler's Hummer.

"Oh, no," I tugged my arm out of Tyler's grip and turned to head back towards the restaurant only to draw up short as Reid was suddenly in front of me.

"Angel,' he warned, legs braced and arms at the ready as we eyed each other from our respective corners.

"I am not going _anywhere_ with you," I informed him spastically. "I'm too young for that!"

"Huh?" Reid's bafflement was my cue and I booked it for the door only to come up short as Caleb scooped me right off my feet.

"Hey!" I yelped, wiggling in his grasp. "No! Let me go!"

"Sorry, Angel," Caleb wheezed as one of my elbows made contact with his rib cage. "No can do."

"You were not part of the deal," I informed him haughtily. "And besides, your parents weren't even here! You're supposed to be safe! And Pogue!" I yelped as Caleb shoved me into the backseat of the Hummer, ignoring Tyler and Reid's grabbing hands as I slapped them away before wrapping an arm around the drivers seat, firmly grasping Pogue in a choke-hold.

"Pogue," I continued, my grip tightening as Reid and Tyler reached over to try and pry me away. "I love you man, I really do, but I love Kate more. And Kate will kill me if you do this."

"Angel – " Pogue wheezed in my grip.

"I mean, it's not like I'm not flattered," I told him, tactful of the fact that males have this odd little thing called an ego and since my good karma for the underwear thing depended upon Pogue's ego being happy, it was important that I let him down as gently as possible. "Any other day of the week, I'd take you up on your offer. But you're dating Kate and Kate is my friend and I would never do something like this to my friends."

"Angel," Caleb's grabby addition to the festivities had me scowling as I turned my head to glare at him.

"WHAT!?" Couldn't he see I was trying to have a conversation here?

"…you're choking him," Caleb finally stated, drawing my attention back to the realization that I was, in fact, choking Pogue.

_Ooops._

"Psychotic bitch," Pogue wheezed as I let go and let Reid and Tyler drag me backwards. He turned in his seat to glare at me as he rubbed his throat. "What the hell is wrong with you? What were you talking about?"

"Nothing." I smiled cheerfully. So this wasn't going to be a four-part marriage. That was a relief. And as far as husbands went, I could do worse than Tyler and Reid. I mean, it wasn't like they were totally awful to look at, and Reid had that devilish streak that made me want to coo and whenever Tyler touched me I was liable to go starry eyed and do stupid things…

So maybe this was a really bad idea.

I lunged for the door, elbowing Tyler in the shoulder and kicking Reid in the ribs as I scrambled to get a grip on the door handle.

"Oh no, you don't," Reid grabbed my hands and yanked me backwards. "You're not getting out of this that easily."

_Oh fucking hell._

Shit.

* * *

"See, now. Isn't this so much better?" Reid grunted as he wrestled my upper body out of the Hummer.

"Quieter," Tyler agreed as he followed Reid out, my lower body firmly in his grasp.

"Mmmmfff mmuiiig maaaammmrrrr," I snarled out from behind Caleb's tie, my anger giving way to relief as I took in the familiar Spencer backdrop.

_Thank fucking God._

As far as I knew, there was nobody on Spencer grounds who could perform a legal marriage ceremony, and since we were still in the US, it was still illegal for me to marry more than one man at a time.

And honestly, quite frankly, at this point, I didn't want to marry _either _of them and yes, that included Tyler.

After Reid had gotten a good grip on me in the Hummer earlier, Tyler had very methodically (and with _way _to much practiced ease) bound my hands and feet with his and Reid's ties and – when I wouldn't stop screaming – wrapped Caleb's tie around my mouth as a makeshift gag.

Not exactly romance material.

And now, here we were…Pogue and Caleb somewhere in front of me, Reid at my front, Tyler at my feet, random Spencer student gaping at us somewhere off to the side…

"MEHEY!" I yelped, renewing my struggles as I reached for my salvation in the form a completely freaked out stranger.

"It's okay," Reid offered the boy, grunting as he struggled to maintain a grip on me. "We're professionals."

"Huh?"

"It's nothing," Tyler smiled charmingly, pinning my legs to his sides with almost no effort at all. "Just a practical joke."

"Angela Deloras, right?" The kid squinted at me and I had the sinking realization that my reputation was not going to work in my favor on this one.

"That's right, Angel," Caleb broke in, sliding smoothly back up next to the other Sons and smiling guilelessly.

"Right," the kid blinked at me, cocking his head to the side for a second as he tried to puzzle this one out.

_I'm being held against my will,_ I tried to direct telepathically at him. _Get help._

"Right," the kid repeated, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath before turning and walking away.

"Sweet," Pogue muttered, offering Caleb a high five and some weird ass male handshake before turning and trotting towards the front door of the fieldhouse.

"MMAHEEERR!" I shouted after him, renewing my struggles as they half-carried, half-dragged me into the cavernous hall.

* * *

I'd seen the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. I'd seen the movie Peter Pan. I'd had a brief period when I was younger when I was obsessed with Pirates and read every book I could find on them and I'd always thought that making someone walk the plank was like the coolest threat ever.

"This is harassment," I grunted out as I wobbled on the diving board, Reid standing on the other end with the other three clowns holding court below.

"Please," Reid smirked. "You made homoerotic t-shirts of me and my best friend. This doesn't even come close to harassment."

He had a point. A very legitimate point, but still, I was always up for a good argument.

"Well, still, it's probably illegal. I could sue you."

"You stole our underwear," Reid pointed out truthfully enough. "No judge would rule in your favor. Hell, we could _kill _you and we'd still get off."

"Ewwww…."

My attempt at juvenile humor fell flat.

"Now let's see," Reid rubbed his hands together before pressing his forefingers against his pursed lips as he studied me thoughtfully.

"First question," he stated after a long enough silence that had me twitching. "How did you manage to steal our underwear?"

"Seriously?" I blinked at Reid, somewhat incredulous at the ridiculous question. "I mean, _seriously?_"

"Right," Reid nodded. "Stupid question. Alright, then, better question: where are the boxers Kate gave Pogue last Valentines Day?"

"Kate?"

_Uh, oh._

Valentine's Day…hearts…underwear…Pogue…

Kate.

I could do math just about as well as I could do anything else, and I was so not liking where the sum of this equation was leading.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you check the auction logs?"

"Funny thing, there. They never made it into the logs." Reid's smirk grew decidedly delicious. "What's the deal, Angel? Lose your interest in Baby Boy already and decided to move on to bigger and better things?"

"Like Pogue could every beat Tyler in the hotness department," escaped from my lips before I could stop it, eliciting a startled bark of laughter from Reid and a brief eruption of hysterics from the goon squad below.

"Thanks a lot, Angel!" Pogue called up, leaning back on his hands, his pant legs rolled up as he let his feet dangle in the water below.

"Sorry!" I called down, remembering the strategy of keeping Pogue happy.

"Where are the boxers, Angel?" Reid prompted, stomping lightly on the diving board and causing me to stumble slightly as I blinked wide eyes over at him.

"At the pound?" Reid's lips pursed and his eyebrows shifted in a manner that clearly indicated his bemusement at my situation as he stomped again, this time harder than before.

" – asshole!" I hopped in place, which just unbalanced me more.

"Jesus, Angel," Caleb complained from below. "You're the most uncoordinated person I've ever met."

"Please!" I yelled back as I regained my footing. "I was pretty damn coordinated when I climbed down the tree next to your window!"

"You broke into my house?" For some reason Pogue seemed to find this hysterical and even Tyler was chuckling as Caleb gaped up at me.

"Broke into is such an illegal sounding phrase," I pursed my lips slightly. "I prefer the term entered with questionable permission."

"So, you broke into his house. How did you get around Josephine?"

Oh boy.

Now _that _was a whole other story. Almost on par with Pogue's boxers.

"I wonder how the change the lightbulbs up here?" I pondered, partially as a way to change the subject, and partially because I was genuinely curious. "I mean, it's not like there's a ladder that goes up with high. And using the diving board would be painful, especially since water and electricity don't exactly work well together. Scaffoldings, maybe? But then how do they get them – HEY!"

Reid, impatient with my ramblings, gave the board another stomp, sending me into an ungraceful heap of elbows against board as my legs unceremoniously split, dropping on either side of the board and I threw my still bound hands out to brace my fall.

"You _dick!_" I hissed, blowing wayward strands of hair out of my face as I glared over at him.

"Ass, dick, I can be one hell of a tongue, too, if you'd like." He waggled the appendage to make his point.

"Hey!" Tyler called from below, causing me to peak over the board to find him glaring up with no small amount of annoyance at Reid.

"What?" I called down, confused by the frown.

"Nothing," Tyler replied, but his shot a warning look in Reid's direction before looking away.

"So far we're oh for two," Reid stated, eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "In your favor."

"Lucky me," I reached up with my hands to brush my hair out of my face before shooting him my best angelic Angel expression.

"Right," Reid snorted in the face of that, his expression taking on a thoughtful gleam before lighting up as he obviously hit on a new question.

"Why do you stalk Tyler?"

There was an awkward but pressing silence after that question, but I ignored it in favor of formulating a response.

"Well," I finally stated. "It started back in freshman year. He brought me chocolates."

"Chocolates?" Reid's eyebrows arched as he tilted his head to look down at his friend who stared up at the two of us with confusion.

"I brought you chocolates," Tyler clarified, clearly befuddled.

"Mmm, hmmm. Coffee flavored chocolate. It was wonderful…" my eyes glazed slightly at the memory and I let out a wistful sigh.

"You're drooling," Reid pointed out dryly.

"It was great chocolate," I stated defensively as I wiped at my chin with a small amount of embarrassment.

"So why did Tyler bring you chocolate?"

"I had a concussion."

"And you fell in love with him because he brought you chocolates while you were concussed?"

"I didn't fall in love," I replied automatically. "I fell in _lust._"

There was a sound below me that sounded suspiciously like choked laughter, but I ignored it as I peered earnestly over at Reid, who's lips were twitching manically as he struggled to reign in his reaction long enough to say his next bit.

"So, basically, you fell in _lust _with Tyler and started stalking him because of a head injury?"

I pursed my lips again, mulling over this summation of the last three years of activity before nodding with a chipper smile.

"Yep, that's pretty much it. Only," I sighed as I peered over the board down at the three Sons below, ignoring a grinning Caleb and a snickering Pogue to focus on Tyler with a sad sort of frown. "I can't stalk you anymore," I called down.

"Why not?" He called up.

"Because you know about it. It's not a fantasy anymore, it's reality, and honestly, at this point, it's kind of creepy."

"At this point?" Reid gasp-choked behind me incredulously.

"So?" Tyler called back up. "Why can't you just stop stalking me and start dating me?"

I pulled back at that, gaping down at him.

"Dating?" I choked, twisting slightly to look at Reid. "Dating?"

But Reid was too busy having hysterics to pay attention to me.

"You want to _date _me?"

"Sure, why not?" Well, as far as come-on lines went, I've had worse. Still…

"Are you fucking crazy?" I hissed down at him. "Look at me! I'm a fucking lunatic! You'd have to be insane to date me!"

"I can do insane," Tyler called back, eliciting another round of snorting laughter from Pogue.

"I'll bet," he choked out, causing my jaw to drop slightly.

"Oh, no," I shook my head, pushing at the board to get my feet under me. "No way. I am _not _having sex with you!"

"Who said anything about sex?" Tyler stared up at be completely befuddled. "I just want to date."

"You can't date me!" I called back frantically, half watching him, half watching the board wobbling beneath me.

"Why not?" Tyler called back.

_Because you make me fucking stupid, _was the first thought that popped into my mind. I mean, for Gods sake, I stole his _underwear_! His fucking underwear!

And he bought me at an auction and forced me to dinner with his parents!

And he might be trying to seduce me into a three way marriage with him and Reid!

…_and that's bad, why?_

I waited patiently for my inner rational being to come up with a legitimate reasoning against it, but all I got in response was a perky _'You go girl!'_

"Because you kidnapped me!" I shot back, balanced on my knees now as I frantically started inching my way towards a hunched over Reid.

"Garwin!" I hissed, half-hopping, half-crawling towards the hysterical blonde. "This is your fucking fault!"

"My fault?" Reid wheezed as he stared up at me through tear filled eyes, his laughter renewing at the sight of me making my way towards him. "How is this my fault?"

"Give me a minute," I growled, hair in face once more, blocking my view of Reid and the space all around me in a flaming red curtain that was near suffocating, especially when shouting suddenly erupted below me.

"Huh? What?" I gave up on crawling, setting myself up on my knees as I shoved my hair out of my face and turned my body to take in the scene below, my jaw promptly dropping the second I got a good look.

"Angel!" Alyssa stood at the bottom of the ladder, expression actually relieved as she stared up at me. "You're okay."

"Am I not supposed to be?" I stared down at her in befuddled confusion.

"You're supposed to be France," Alyssa replied, deftly ignoring the chaos behind her. Unfortunately, I had never quite mastered the skill and it was pretty damn near impossible not to notice the mass of wrestling people behind her.

"Hi-ya," Zac greeted Caleb with a cheerful wave before letting out a Tarzanesque yell and tacking the other boy into the middle of the pool, the two surfacing with a startled 'What the hell?' on Caleb's part and a 'For the love of Angel!' on Zac's.

"For the love of Angel!" Danielle took up the cry as she wrapped herself around Tyler, legs and all, pinning his arms to his sides and using her mouth to…chew on his hair?

"Wha?" I blinked and turned my head slightly to find Pogue facing off against a chipperly grinning Vivian.

"Viv, come on," Pogue was saying, holding his hands out in front of him, expression borderline frantic. "This suit is Hugo Boss."

"It's a pretty suit," Vivian agreed happily before shouting, "For the love of Angel!" and charging him, basically throwing herself into him with such momentum he went tumbling backwards with a startled yelp.

And Alyssa…

"…and then I'm going to wait for your grandkids to have kids and sue the pants off of them! And then when they have kids I'll sue the pants off of them! And their children's children children until the end of eternity!"

"Eternity can't end, you fucking lunatic!" Reid called down at her, completely ignoring my presence. "It's a fallacy of your logic!"

"I do not have logical fallacies!" Alyssa shouted – actually _shouted –_ up at him, expression livid. "You take that back, you – you – albino!"

"I'm a blue-eyed blonde, robo-girl. I can't be an albino. You just made another fallacy."

I didn't have to see his face to know that Reid would be smirking, but I was surprised when Alyssa let out a wild yell before practically throwing herself up the ladder.

And here I sat, perched precariously on the edge of a diving board with insanity all around and even I found this situation completely ridiculous.

So I did the most logical thing I could think of.

I wobbled to my feet, took a deep breath…

…and jumped.

* * *

"You're right," were the first words I heard when I regained consciousness to find a red faced dripping wet Tyler leaning over me. "You're insane."

"Only in the technical sense," I muttered up at him, squinting. "Why are you wet?"

"Because, idiot, you jumped into a pool with your hands tied!"

"I did?" I frowned as I looked down at my unbound hands. "Well, that was stupid."

"You sank like a bagful of kittens," Pogue contributed unhelpfully from somewhere to my left.

"Is she okay?" Vivian appeared in my line of sight, expression worried, wet hair dripping all over me.

"Ulgh," I grunted. "You're getting me all wet."

"You jumped into a fucking pool!" Tyler reminded me and I spared him a brief glance to find him seething – actually seething – as he leaned back on his heels and glared at me.

"I did? Right. I did." I struggled to keep that fact in mind as I levied myself upright and turned to look over at Alyssa.

"Were you shouting?"

"I was angry," Alyssa replied, properly stoic once more. "You were getting married without me."

"I was getting married?"

"Who the fuck would be dumb enough to marry her?" Reid muttered.

"You," Vivian contributed helpfully. "Well, one or all of you."

"All of us?" Caleb choked out. "What the fuck are we, Mormons?"

"Rich," Danielle contributed. "And mysterious. We thought you were kidnapping her to France where you would participate in a secret forced marriage ceremony and ravish Angel within an inch of her life."

"Ravish?" Pogue actually looked a little green around the gills as he repeated the word.

"Continuously," Danielle chirruped helpfully. "For hours and hours and hours…" she trailed off, her eyes glazing over slightly.

"Right," Pogue edged away from her, his gaze jumping anywhere and everywhere except to me.

"Why the fuck would you think that?" Tyler asked, completely mystified.

"You took her to dinner with your parents."

"Because our mothers made us," Tyler informed my friends (great friends, wonderful friends, fantastically, _manically insane _friends).

"Your mothers forced you to bring her to dinner?"

"Yeah," Reid replied. "They wanted to meet her to see if she…"

He trailed off, shifting slightly before redirecting the conversation. "So you thought we were going to kidnap and marry her because we took her to dinner with our parents?"

There was an awkward sort of silence that permeated the room as all eyes shifted to Vivian who was studiously studying the ceiling.

"Viv?" Pogue blinked at her in surprise before shaking his head in increduloustic anger. "Are you fucking _insane_?"

"…no?"

"I like her," I informed Alyssa with a cheerful smile. "I think we should keep her."

"She'll need a job," Alyssa told me.

"Isn't she already the president?" I was border line confused now and it showed on my face.

"Shock," Zac declared sagely. "We should probably get her warm."

"Just cozy her up to Tyler," Reid smirked. "That oughta get her hot."

I actually thought that was a good idea and was opening my mouth to readily agree when a new voice interrupted our odd little discussion.

"What. The. _Hell_. is going on here?"

Uh, oh.

A/N: Lo_-ong _chapter. Happy April Fools Day!


	12. Virgins and Other Religious Icons

A/N: Because I have so many reviewers…and I was reading 'Bite Me' by Christopher Moore which brought back an onslaught of nostalgia for all his other books I've read.

**It's Kind of a Funny Story:** I took part in a small group discussion today where one guy said, "It's like waking up in the middle of class naked." in response to a girl saying she wouldn't particularly care if someone sent naked pictures of her on a cell phone. And then he was like, "You're not going to be upset or angry. None of us would be [in that situation]." So naturally, my response was, "Not so much upset or angry as confused. Why am I waking up a classroom naked? Where did my clothes go?"

* * *

"Are you okay?" First she loses her temper, now she hovers like a concerned mother hen.

I was beginning to not like this new side of Alyssa.

"I'm still breathing," I replied as I slogged my way into our dormitory.

"And we didn't get expelled," Danielle pointed out helpfully, the only completely dry one of our bunch. Alyssa, it seems, had thrown herself into the pool after me, forgetting the fact entirely that she couldn't swim. Zac had ended up dragging her ass out of the pool while Tyler hauled me out after them.

_Tyler._

I fought off a shiver even his name evoked and shoved all those deliciously gooey feelings into a mental box labeled _'No. Just…No'_ to be opened when my brain finally reached the end of it's rope and decided to shuffle off this mortal coil and leave my body behind to deal with the aftermath.

"You're kidding, right?" Vivian shoved her dripping bangs out of her face. "Like Blake the Flake would remember what he saw five minutes after we left."

"He does have a dangerously short memory," Alyssa pointed out, regaining some of her stoic cool as we all paused outside her and my dorm room to remember the events of the past forty-five minutes.

Because Spencer housed the rich, elitists snobs of the world's children, some of whom happened to have blood bluer than Reid's balls if he doesn't get laid on a regular basis, it also happened to employ a select number of security guards to ensure their safety.

That being said, nobody knows how Blake ended up being hired. The man was a fruit cake, a loon, bat-shit insane to the nth degree.

He was thirty-five years old and still lived with his fucking mother. He claimed he fought in not only the Gulf War, but Vietnam, Korea, and both World Wars as well. And in a previous life, he was Jesus's right hand man, Biff.

Nobody knows who Biff is, only that it approximated the sound Blake's brain cells make when they commit hari-kari.

"I think he's sweet," Danielle defended as she wrung some more water from her hair.

"Like a rabid puppy," Vivian agreed. "But that doesn't mean you encourage it. Next thing you know he'll be humping your leg."

All four of us paused for a second, staring blankly off into space before commencing in simultaneous shudders of complete and utter horror.

"Gack," I croaked, throat sore from the ingesting of chlorine and the unusual amount of screaming I had been engaged in. "Ulgh. Gross. Sick, sick, sick. Ewww."

"You're being redundant, " was Alyssa's contribution.

"The thought deserves a little redundancy," I retorted, resisting the temptation to reach down and wring the water from the bottom of my dress. It had been pretty when we started the evening, it'd gotten slightly mussed in the backseat scuffle, and by the time it had hit the water, it'd rebelled. I was about half an inch away from giving the Halls of Spencer a first hand look at my skull-print pink lacy underwear.

"So," Danielle broke through the short silence and peered eagerly at me. "Are we still on for tomorrow?"

"We were never off for tomorrow," I replied with no small amount of confusion. "Why would you even ask me that?"

"It's just, now that you're dating Tyler…"

"I am _not _dating Tyler!" I hissed and I must have resembled some sort of fearsome sea-beasty because even Alyssa got this vaguely alarmed look on her face as all three of them regarded me with a sort of drop-jawed wonder.

"Why the fuck not?" Vivian finally asked, expression mystified.

I thought about that for a few seconds.

"Can I get back to you in the morning?"

* * *

The t-shirts were beautiful, perfect, and somewhat unexpected.

"I thought we elected Caleb as Bella?" I cocked my head to the side as I stared at Alyssa, Zac, and Danielle, each wearing their own shirts. Alyssa had Tyler, Danielle had Reid, and Zac had me.

It was a little off setting to see my face staring back at me, especially since the picture they used had been taken while I was sleeping and there was a thin line of glitter drool emerging from my mouth.

"We changed our minds at the last minute," Danielle informed me chipperly. "We voted and felt that you were far more fitting for the role."

"Wait a minute," now I was even more confused. "Since when are we a democracy?"

* * *

"I'm just as confused as you are," Caleb was saying when I entered into our economics class.

"Angel." Reid stated simply, causing me to jerk my head upright to blink at him.

"Yes?"

"You did this."

"Yes?" I wasn't entirely sure what we were talking about, though I did have a fairly highly educated guess considering the black scrap of fabric held in his hands.

"How?" I wrinkled my brow at that. If Reid was unclear as to the mechanisms of my particularly brand of madness at this point, he was one crayola short of a box of non-toxics.

"Magic?" Pogue let out a wheezing snort, clamping a hand down over his mouth as the other Sons turned to stare at him, Caleb leveling a particularly warning look his way.

"No, I mean, how?" Reid reiterated, unfolding the scrap of fabric to reveal…

"Well," I cocked my head to the side and squinted for a moment. "I'm not entirely sure. You'd have to ask Rob."

"Kazinsky?" Pogue wheezed, going from amused to disgusted so fast I had to blink to keep my focus. "How the hell did Kazinsky manage to draw naked pictures of our manly bits?"

"Well, you do shower naked together after gym class, don't you?"

"Yeah, but you're not supposed to – he can't have – dude, that's just sick."

"What?" I wrinkled my brow in confusion as I stared at the lot of them in complete mystification. "He has one, you have one. Barring some weird accident of either disfiguring nature or birth, they all look the same, don't they?"

Dead silence greeted that.

"Um, Angel?" Pogue gave me a slightly worried look. "How many naked men have you seen up close and personal?"

"Including my brothers?" Tyler was turning the most interesting shade of purple and I sort of mumbled my question out as I stared at him in rapt fascination.

"No, not including your brothers."

"What about porn?" Caleb went stock still and Pogue's jaw dropped as Reid let out a wheezing choke of laughter.

"You watch porn?"

"Only when I'm bored and there's nothing else to do."

"What kind of porn?" Pogue actually looked kind of interested, prompting Caleb to give him a rough shove to the shoulder.

"Don't encourage her," was his hissed chastisement as I frowned.

"There's more than one kind?"

"Christ," Caleb muttered, slouching low in his seat as Reid's expression took on the most unholy gleam.

"Oh my sweet little virgin flower, I am going to have fun with you, oh yes I am. What do you say Tyler, want to join me?"

I was slightly confused as to the direction of this conversation, but anything that involved Reid, Tyler, and me at this point gave me hot flashes, so I swooned a little bit only to come up short as I noticed Tyler was suddenly staring at me with a look of such complete and utter horror I was almost convinced _I _was the devil incarnate until I checked and realized I didn't have a tail.

"Oh, God no. I retract everything."

"What?" I blinked at him.

"Asking you out last night. I retract it."

Okay, so that definitely stung a little bit.

"Why? Did I do something wrong? Does my hair smell funny or something? Are you suddenly not attracted to girls?"

"NO!" Tyler barked with such vehemence even Reid leaned back and away from him.

"No," he continued, much calmer this time. "None of that. I just…can't date you."

"Well, why the fuck not?" I wrinkled my brow in confusion. "Does the fact that I watch porn bother you?"

Pogue's shoulders were shaking again, but both Reid and Caleb were staring at Tyler with small frowns of bewilderment even as he shook his head in response to my question.

"Is it Danielle? She did apologize about the biting and – honestly – we did take away all the hair she had stuck between her teeth before she could go make a Tyler voodoo doll. And I gave Alyssa permission to body-check her the next time she tries anything like that, so you should be safe."

"That's not it," Tyler was still an odd shade of red, though.

"Then what the hell is it?" I finally bit out, exasperated.

"I can't date…" Tyler cast a furtive look around before muttering something under his breath.

"What?" I leaned forward as did the rest of the sons as we struggled to try and hear him better.

"A virgin, okay?" Tyler hissed, looking both angry and embarrassed by the admission. "I just can't."

"Ahhh," I leaned back, nodding sagely. "Performance anxiety. I get it."

"No!" Tyler was shaking his head even as Pogue lapsed back into his incurable case of the giggles and even Caleb was chuckling a little while Reid had his hand firmly planted over his mouth, hiding the lower half of his expression from all of us.

"The blood, then?" I blinked. "Cause I can totally go out right now and buy a vibrator. Vivian suggest I get one anyways. Says they're great for stress relief. Though she did seem to be directing that conversation more towards Alyssa than me…"

"Jesus," Tyler choked out, staring at me with the most adorable mixture of fear, exasperation, embarrassment, and dumbstruck awe.

"So you're religious, then." I had no idea what was going on anymore – there was no reason in my mind for Tyler to be acting the way he was, so I reverted back to one of my earlier theories.

Which, for some reason, set Caleb off into a round of hysterical laughter with Pogue and even Reid was chuckling.

"I just…I can't date a virgin, Angel. It's just…not right."

"Well, okay then. I guess." Since I'd never agreed to go out with him in the first place, I wasn't entirely sure why my chest got a little bit tighter at hearing those words. "I think I'll just…sit over here today."

"Angel…" I waved off their concerned looks and moved away, lost in my own thoughts and staying that way until class ended and I made my escape.

* * *

Two days later I was wallowing in my self-pity when somebody knocked on my dorm door. Since Alyssa was out I was forced to drag myself out of bed and to the door where a truly unusual sight greeted me.

"Hi-ya," Zac greeted me with a cheerful wave from the insides of his navy blue hooded monk get-up.

"Hi?" I greeted back, question mark so totally deserving as I peered at the rest of the group. Danielle, Rob, Vivian, a solemn faced Alyssa, and a chipper Jean-Luc who looked just a little bit too excited to be here.

"Hello," Alyssa greeted me solemnly with a regal nod of her head from the inside of her black-as-night get-up.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked.

"We've formed a cult," Danielle replied with a drunken hiccup that had me blinking. "And we've elected you as our chief deity. Congratulations, Goddess Angel."

Oh bo-_oy_.

I shot all of them a worried look.

"I don't have to dress like that, do I?"

A/N: Shorter chapter than normal. I have a paper due Monday, a debate Tuesday, and paper due Wednesday, another paper due Thursday, and a Role-Play Type International Relations Project on Friday.

Sidenote: No, I don't know why Tyler has a problem with Virgins. He just does.

**BONUS POINTS**... _if_ you can tell me where Biff originates from.


	13. Cults, Glitter, and Nietzche, Oh My!

A/N: Mucho gracias to all my loyal and not-so-loyal reviewers! If it weren't for you I probably wouldn't have made it past the fifth chapter. Cheers!

"This is stupid."

You know it had to be a sad state of affairs when _I _was the voice of reason.

"It's therapeutic," Alyssa replied calmly, catching me as I stumbled yet again.

"A cult?" I hissed, pushing the hood out of my face for the seventeenth time since Alyssa, Zac, and Danielle had wrestled me to the ground while Vivian and Jean-Luc had yanked a blood-red top-of-the-line cultists robe over my PJ's. "Seriously? _A fucking cult?!!_"

"My therapist says I need an outlet for my pent up rage and aggression," Alyssa replied, hands already reaching out to catch me even before I tripped over the hemline…again.

"So buy a gun!" I snapped, scratching at the hood in an effort to prevent accidental strangulation on the part of my wardrobe. "This is America!"

"It's illegal for citizens in the United States to own firearms until they're age twenty-one."

"So join the army!" I snapped back, using the wall to catch my balance as we turned yet another corner, heading for a mysterious location only Alyssa knew. "They give you guns _and _suitable moving targets. What more could you ask for?"

"It's illegal for citizens in the United States under the consenting age of eighteen to join the armed forces without signed permission from either a parent of a guardian."

"So get you parents to sign something."

"My parents are agnostics," Alyssa replied, grabbing my arm and yanking me forward at a faster pace.

"So they don't believe in God but do believe in a higher power. What does that have to do with the army?" I was confused, which was part of the reason I wasn't putting up more of a struggle. At this point I could only deal with a limited amount of hassles at a time and Alyssa's sordid life's story as well as the damned cultist robe was trouble enough.

"They don't believe in the army," was Alyssa's reply. "Acts of aggression are unacceptable, which is why they hired a family therapist."

"Oh." I was quiet for a moment, trotting along, as I mulled over this.

"So," I started as tactfully as possible. "How long have you been seeing this therapist? A year, two? Since you started at Spencers?"

_Since we met?_

"Since I was two," Alyssa replied, sort of absent-mindedly relating the story, obviously distracted by the journey to our destination.

"Seriously?" Escaped from my mouth at a slightly higher pitch than expected, not that she really noticed.

"I stole my older brothers My Pretty Pony and hit him in the head with the hairbrush when he tried to take it back. My parents decided I had poor coping strategies and hired the best child psychologist in the state to fix me."

"Oh," I was quiet for a moment before offering her a chipper if not somewhat strained smile. "Well, at least he tried."

"What are you talking about?" Alyssa paused outside the door to one of the long-since abandoned classrooms to give me a puzzled look, a small wrinkle forming between her eyebrows. "I'm perfectly fine. I'm a well adjusted youth with friends, hobbies, and a clear goal in mind for the future."

"You're friends with the school sociopath, you've started a cult, and you want to be a minion of the devil when you graduate," I clarified since she seemed to be missing the point.

"I'm going to be an American," Alyssa nodded her agreement. "Just like everybody else."

"You started a cult," I pointed out as tactfully if not belligerently as possible. I mean, come _on_ people. It's a fucking cult! "Normal people just don't do shit like this."

"People go on FaceBook all the time," Alyssa stated, apparently randomly and out of nowhere, but it was obvious from the smoothing of her expression that she had a point.

"So?"

"So they go on FaceBook so they can connect and chat with other people. Youth spend upwards of seventy percent of their time occupied with social networking. When they aren't on FaceBook, they're thinking about FaceBook or talking about FaceBook. They worship the fingers that typed up the concept of FaceBook."

Now that was a lie. Nobody remembers the name of the guy who invented FaceBook, probably not even the man himself. He probably wakes up in the morning and thinks to himself 'I am the guy who invented FaceBook!' and whenever he introduces himself to people instead of a name he says 'I am the guy who invented FaceBook!' and people nod and smile and point him out to other people saying 'He's the guy who invented FaceBook!' and on and on and on and on…

"They've set up a cult of FaceBook, with their own terminologies and various communal systems of worship. So," Ah, ha! Finally – the point – "So I decided to set up my own religious system with you as the figurehead."

"You want to worship me?" I was slightly skeptical – on more than one occasion Alyssa had confessed to experiencing a brief passing urge to smother me in my sleep with my pillow after stuffing a letter of grievances down my throat while humming the tune from Star Wars.

I sincerely hoped to God that this cult wasn't going to suddenly have human sacrifice as part of its religious creed…

"Why not?" Alyssa replied, leaning forward to push the door open. "I spend ninety-percent of my time physically and mentally with you. Might as well do something productive with it."

"And people think I'm crazy," I muttered, turning back to head the way we came only to let out a startled yelp as hands reached out and yanked me inside the room.

* * *

"You know," I stated conversationally from my position on a makeshift throne in the center of a chalk circle, watching everybody bustle around in organized nutdom. "Generally, there's only supposed to be one lunatic per friend group."

I watched Alyssa eye her section of the circle critically for a moment before crouching down and scribbling some more latin words.

"And all these years I thought it was me," I murmured quietly, truly, _truly_ disturbed by the sight in front of me.

The music didn't help much either.

"What _is _this?" I demanded, pointing upwards and jerking my head towards the stereo.

"The Night Chicago Died," Danielle informed me, nibbling on her thumbnail as she stepped back from her neon-pink section of the circle.

"Oh." I was quiet for a moment before I asked me next question.

"What language is it in?"

"Korean," Vivian chirped, adding a baby-blue swirl to her section of the circle before stepping back. "Done."

"And we're listening to it, why?"

"It's your theme song," Zac supplied, adding some rapid fire scribblings in plum purple.

"Oh. Okay then."

At this point in time, it was safe to say that I was more than a little scared. I mean, I could understand crazy. I lived crazy. But this?

This was beyond lunacy. This transcended madness. This was borderline apeshit blow-your-mind fucking nutso-cuckoo grade-A pointless psychosis.

"Do you even know what that says?" I asked, peering over at Jean-Luc's section of the circle.

He said something in French in reply and I blinked at him.

"Huh?"

"Eat shit and die," he replied cheerfully.

I was admittedly a little taken-aback by his response.

"What the fuck? This is America! I don't speak French! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Why are you yelling at me?" Jean-Luc had wide blue eyes and the most adorable expression of confusion as he stared, completely mystified, at me.

"You cursed at me," I replied, settling back into the bright blue lawnchair that was my throne. "I was returning the insult."

"I was translating," Jean-Luc replied, pointing to the words on the floor.

"Eat shit and die?" I repeated, peering doubtfully at the green letterings before twisting my head to look at Alyssa. "Is that supposed to be our motto?"

"It's a work in progress," was her solemn reply before she wrote one last bit and stepped back. "Done."

"Okay then," I peered at the rainbow-colored monstrosity surrounding me and fought back a grimace. "What next?"

* * *

"I take what I said earlier back," I informed Alyssa as we stood under the shower together, the water swirling red and sparkly at our feet.

I was feeling at peace with the world once more. The sun was out, the grass was green, and there was a leprechaun leaping for joy over the rainbow while the cow gave its cheese to the moon.

"It was very relaxing," Alyssa agreed, washing a particularly gritty section of hair.

"Are you done yet?" Danielle asked, poking her head into the shower and blinking at us from still-damp bangs. "Vivian's already got the boys stuff. She says we need your stuff next."

"You're sure the costume department isn't going to notice they're gone?" I asked, dutifully stripping out of the soaking-wet garment and tossing it in the bag Danielle was holding.

"Please," Vivian poked her head back right next to Danielle's. "These things predate my grandfather. They've been in the backroom since the founding of Spencers. They may even predate the families of Spencers."

"Clothing before humans?" I peered doubtfully at the remains of Vivian's periwinkle blue robe.

"Evolution, baby. It's a beautiful thing," Vivian smiled charmingly at me before winking and disappearing out the door, leaving me and Alyssa standing under the shower in our dripping wet pajamas.

"Can you see any more glitter?" I asked, turning a full circle so she could do a complete inspection.

"You're good," Alyssa replied. "Me?"

"Good," I agreed, reaching over and turning off the showerhead.

"So," I asked conversationally as we exited the bathroom and headed for our dorm room. "Do you think anybody will know it was us?"

Alyssa regarded me carefully for a moment.

"I'm your alibi," she informed me dryly. "Does it matter?"

* * *

"You did something."

I blinked at Reid, startled from the doodles I'd been doodling in the margin of my Calculus homework.

"What?" I asked, looking down at my doodles. No hearts, no stars, no realistic shapes other than the circle I'd drawn in one corner, so there was no reason for Reid to be looking at me with that evil smirk.

There was no reason for him to even be talking to me, as a matter of fact.

"Why are we speaking, again?" I asked.

"It's that look," Reid replied, biting his bottom lip as he looked at me. "I know that look."

"This is about the t-shirts, isn't it?" I replied, coming up with the logical conclusion all on my own. "Given the givens, I don't think these ones were really that bad. I mean, it's not like they profess your undying love and devotion for your best friend in a sadly repressed and socially frowned upon Romeo and Julian type love triangle with me in the middle."

"Huh?" Reid stared at me, brow furrowed in confusion.

"It's not like Tyler even likes me anymore. He's like the anti-Prince Charming. Most guys would appreciate a girl who doesn't give it away like candy." I stared forlornly at my doodles and fought the urge to sigh.

"Most guys…" Reid trailed off as he stared. "Candy."

"Yes," I nodded my head. "The first time is always the sweetest."

Reid blinked.

"Sweet," he repeated.

"So I've been told."

"Who, exactly, have you been talking to, sunshine?" Reid asked, giving me a worried look.

"People on the internet. They're very reliable and trustworthy."

"Oh good God," Reid stared at me. "Telemarketers must love you."

"How did you know?" I beamed in reply.

"Never mind," Reid muttered something else under his breath, shaking his head as he smiled a tight smile. "Forget I said anything."

"Already done."

* * *

"I think this is the longest I've gone without anybody ever seeing my misdeeds aired in public," I informed Alyssa, biting down on the sour apple taffy and making the appropriate sucking-lemons expression before refocusing on the picture in front of me.

"Its fun, isn't it?" Alyssa agreed solemnly, snacking on her banana flavored treat as she added another flourish to the decal in front of her.

"How long do you think we can keep it up?"

"The first unveiling is tomorrow," Alyssa replied. "At the Observatory."

"Right. With the Patrons." I swallowed my bite of taffy. "Do you think they'll be able to properly appreciate our socio-cultural artistic genius?"

Alyssa gave me a droll look in reply.

"It's doubtful."

* * *

"Hello, dear," Mrs. Garwin greeted me with a charming smile. "It's lovely to see you again."

"Same here," I replied, smiling widely. Now that I wasn't worried about my impending nuptials, I could afford to be a little less tense around Reid's mother. "How's the weather been for you?"

"Fine?" Mrs. Garwin stated after a long pause where she simply stared at me in vague confusion. "Why?"

"Nothing," I replied hyperly. "Just wondered how the weather was. Lots of stars out tonight."

"Right," Mrs. Garwin blinked at me. "I'm going to find my husband."

"Tell him hi for me!" She murmured something in reply before turning and slinking back into the crowd.

"Your people skills could use a little work," Zac informed me dryly from his position on my right as my unofficial 'date' for this evenings festivities.

"I'm great with people," I replied, mildly offended. "They love me."

"They're scared of you."

"Fear, love, in the end, its killing people that counts."

"….huh?"

"Nietzche, _The Prince._"

"Right," Zac replied confused but nodding anyways. We stood in companionable silence for a few moments before Zac tilted his head back slightly to stare up at the ceiling.

"I wonder what the weather's like outside?"

A/N: It'll be explained. I promise. Sorry for the lack of updates but I've just been busy with work and real life and my creative process went belly-up for almost three weeks. Apologies!


	14. Strawberries and GooPoisoning

When staring a cult, there are two things you need to remember.

The first is that cults are religious in nature, thereby protected under the first amendment rights, and thereby can be flaunted in front of the masses with minimal chance of religious disruption.

The second is that nobody gives a shit about your first amendment right to religion…especially when you decorate it with strawberry syrup and glitter.

"Whoops."

I surveyed the damage in front of me and fought back a grimace. On my right side, Zack didn't even bother to temper his reaction.

"Oh, holy-fucking-shit. We're dead-dead-dead," he wheezed a little bit on the last part so I – being the uber awesome best friend I was – aided him in his breathing difficulties by giving him a healthy smack upside the back, which in hindsight didn't really help.

"Be cool, Soda Pop," I offered sagely as he coughed, wheezed, and generally behaved like a slightly-misused vacuum cleaner trying desperately to suck oxygen back into his lungs.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," the Provost spoke from the front of the room. "If you could all head this way. The new telescope is right down the hall."

The masses obediently strayed in the appropriate direction, leaving a small select group standing there staring at the slightly hidden masterpiece.

It had been Alyssa's idea – in this case I was totally blameless…to an extent.

I had been the one who suggested the red paint would be harder to get off than strawberry syrup.

So sue me – I was hungry and eager to test out my newest attempts at sneaking into the kitchen.

The attempts were successful but the first religious expression of the People was a huge flop.

The dramatically overdone decorations overlapping the entrance to the new observatory had been a true work of art…before they'd melted.

We'd drawn dozens of designs and decorated each one with it's own quaint latin phrase.

Mine had been "Never say 'Bite Me' to a vampire."

Jean-Luc's had been "Fire bad. Tree pretty."

Overall, it'd been kick-ass awesome enough that I'd broken one of my cardinal rules and took a picture of it. Granted, I'd used Reid's phone and sent the picture to a dummy email address that I would no longer be using, but still…I'd created evidence.

Of course, the biggest piece of evidence was still glaring me in the face in all of it's bug infested glory.

* * *

"We should have considered this possibility," Alyssa stated emotionlessly as she cocked her head to the side and studied what had been an overly done-up version of the Virgin Mary and now looked more like Mary's slightly sluttier sister, Meredith, who appeared to have certain key areas of her anatomy bared to the public eye.

"Yep."

There was no other real response to that – we had genius IQ's – the possibility that the overly sugary sweet confection that we had used might melt in a building where the air conditioning was turned off half the time due to the retractable dome over the telescope and thereby attract bugs.

"How much do you think it's going to cost the school to fix this?" I asked, mentally reviewing my allowance for the month.

"Ten thou, easy," Danielle replied, touching a finger against the gooey mess and pulling it away only to find herself in a bit of a sticky situation when her finger remained…well, stuck.

"A little help?"

* * *

"Strawberry syrup?"

"Hmmm?" I peered up at Reid around the pen I'd been idly chewing on. It was a crummy habit I needed to break and soon because they were getting tired of seeing me at the hospital for swallowing potentially toxic substances and quite frankly their general attitude sucked enough that I was getting tired of seeing them too.

"That was the best you could do?"

"Huh?" I was being deliberately obtuse but that was normal…I think. Sometimes I was undeliberately obtuse. But I was pretty sure that I knew what Reid was talking about in this case, so my effort was deliberate.

Maybe.

"Earth to Angel? Come in? Hello? Anybody home?"

"The lights are on, but somebody left the barn door open."

Reid blinked at me.

"The crows flown the coop?"

Faint lines appeared on his brow.

"The doctor has checked out for the evening?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Reid sounded absolutely exasperated which was great – I loved exasperated people. They usually stormed away quicker than the not-so-exasperated.

"I have no idea," I replied cheerfully. "You started this."

"Started what?" My eyes narrowed slightly as I studied the deceptively innocent-looking blonde…which, on second thought, was the girl behind Reid. Reid couldn't look innocent even if he tried.

"This conversation," I replied, tossing my pen in my bag and grabbing my books as I rose to my feet. "But I think I'll end it here. I'd say it was nice talking to you, but I have absolutely no idea what we were talking about. Good-bye."

I had only a few seconds to get a good view of his completely mystified expression but those were a few precious seconds I would cherish for the rest of my life.

* * *

"Are you sure we want to be doing this?" I was back to being the voice of reason and I was really hating it especially since I really liked this idea.

"It's a new polymer," Vivian was saying, delicately placing her foot in the goo-filled tub. "It dissolves on it's own so we don't have to worry about cleaning up after it."

"The FDA thinks it might be toxic to small children," Danielle pointed out, peering into her own goo-tub with a doubtful expression.

"Everything is harmful to small children," Vivian replied. "Just look at Jean-Luc."

We all paused a moment to watch the completely cheerfully oblivious Frenchman plop his feet down into his tub with a happy little hum of satisfaction, cheerfully singing in French under his breath as he wiggled his toes to insure maximum goo-coverage.

"Jean-Luc is not a small child," Zac stated, setting the powder we were using to make the good down on the floor before reaching over to snag a tub and a couple more tubes of dye.

"Are you sure?" Danielle asked, pointing to where Jean-Luc was now dancing in a circle, leaving a row of completely colorful footprints behind.

"Hey!" I interrupted the confused onlookers with absolute delight as I watched Jean-Luc's feet move and had a little epiphany. "It's the Time Warp!"

Jean-Luc looked up, exclaimed something cheerfully in French, then went back to what he was doing.

"Small children, huh?" Alyssa chewed on her bottom lip and eyed me carefully. "Maybe you should sit this one out."

"Please," I replied, settling my feet into the tub. "I've progressed from small child to pre-pubescence. I'm totally good for this."

* * *

"It's not coming off."

I'm not the type to panic easily but boy let me tell you – I was panicking.

"Relax," Vivian assured me with absolutely no confidence as she scrubbed another layer of skin off the bottom of my foot. "It'll be okay."

"How will this be okay?" I wheezed out. "My feet are purple! Purple!"

"And green," Danielle piped in helpfully from the corner where she sat on a folding chair, neon pink feet soaking in a bath of turpentine and warm water, towel draped over her shoulders as if this were a spa date instead of a desperate attempt to ditch the evidence of our newest attempt at trouble-making.

"And the water is red!" I whisper-shrieked (a skill I perfected _eons _ago). "Why is the water red?"

"I think it's blood," Zac supplied, squinting down into the mirky water. "Yep, definitely blood."

"That's not good," Vivian sort of mumbled, biting her bottom lip as she frowned down into the water. "Hey, Alyssa? What does the bag say about contact with open wounds? Is that good or bad?"

"It's mildly toxic," was Alyssa's reply. "What do you think?"

"I think we should probably call a doctor. Or the poison control center."

I was cool with that. So cool you have no idea how cool I was. I just had one small question first. I lifted my feet from the water for the others to see.

"Are the bottoms of my feet still green?"

From five other throats, "Yes."

Shit.

**A/N:**

Dear jac

Thank you for calling me a sadist. I will work very hard in the future to live up to this name. In fact, I think the shortness of this chapter will stand as testament to my working hardedness. Words cannot describe how unpleasantly tickled I was, so it is with a cruelly delighted smile that I pen these words to you now. May my works and words continue to torment you in the future and it's with horrible luck (on my part, not yours…well, maybe yours. A tiny bit. Microscopic, really. Barely existing at all. Smaller than an atom, actually, because honestly, I'm not _that _bad. Only a little bit. Smaller than a – oh, you get the picture.) Anyways, where was I?

Ah yes, it's with horrible luck I wish you adieu and promise to bring another torment upon you within a week, as brief as it may be.

Sincerely

She-Who-Shall-Remain-A-Sadist.

P.S. – Seriously, I apologize for how long I make you wait, but I have a second shift job during the week and another job on weekends so I don't get a whole lot of time to write anymore. Plus, both jobs essentially suck the soul out of people. Course, everybody thinks their job sucks the soul out of people. So one ponders what people who actually suck the soul out of people think of their jobs. Can a soul sucker be soul sucked?

P.P.S. – Short chapters at least until September, but I will attempt to keep the ball in play. The good news is I don't see this fic ending anytime soon. It's actually really good inspiration for one of the ideas I've had for a novel and even if that doesn't go anywhere I still love it because this is the crazy I don't get to show while I'm trying to be a good person and con good references out of my bosses at work. Hang tough!


	15. Spicy Taco Love Kisses

"What is this?" Alyssa asked, entering our dorm and practically screaming to heard above the sound of the music that was going full blast.

"Music," I replied, turning away from the glass castle I was building out of empty Smirnoff bottles to smile at her. "Isn't it great?"

"It's loud," Alyssa shouted back. "And not in English. What is it?"

"The World Cup song," I replied, carefully placing the next bottle in position after applying a liberal amount of crazy glue to the bottle.

"And why isn't it in English?" I blinked at her.

"Because it's the 'World' Cup?" I hazarded, wondering if there was something wrong with Alyssa's hearing. Of course, the music _was_ extremely loud, so she did have a valid excuse.

"I've heard the English version on the radio," Alyssa replied, the slight widening of her nostrils a clear indication that she was annoyed with me. "So why are you listening to the Spanish version?"

"It's catchier," I replied, placing the last bottle at the very top of the castle and beaming with absolute joy at my completely and utterly pointless accomplishment.

"Right." More nostril flaring but Alyssa let it be, setting her bag down, methodically unloading her current cache of overpriced textbooks before grabbing an equally expensive set to replace them.

"I'm going to the library," she informed me, heading for the door and opening it before hesitating and turning to face me. "And Angel?"

"Hmmm?" My smile was so wide I thought my face would crack as I turned to face her, having no real idea why I was smiling or why I was so fucking happy, but completely delighted with the world anyway.

"You might want to open a window." she suggested tactfully.

"Why?" I was puzzled now but still fully smiling with absolutely no logic reasoning.

"The fumes," Alyssa reminded me pointedly. "They've gone to your head."

"Oh." Glue fumes, right.

Sniffing glue – a fun experiment in ninth grade, completely and utterly unnecessary in eleventh. I was pretty sure I'd built up immunity to it's intoxicating effects.

And anyways…

"But the packaging says fume free," I looked up only to find that Alyssa had already left.

Smile stuck in place, I re-read the package in a desperate attempt to figure out why I was suddenly Miss-Mary-Fucking-Sunshine.

My fingers tapped against my chin for a brief moment and I rubbed my forehead as frown wrinkles appeared, only when I tried to unfrown…

Well, I figured out how the smile got stuck. And the frown lines…

* * *

"What's wrong with your face?" Zac asked as he took a bite of his apple. It was a testament to the crazy shit I've done that he didn't scream, cry, or seem even the littlest bit surprised by my sudden appearance in his dorm looking like the guy from the Scream movies.

"Superglue," I replied, amazed that despite being stuck, my lips seemed to work perfectly.

"Seriously?" Zac squinted at me, in complete and utter awe. "I didn't know that shit was safe for skin…"

"It's not," I replied, holding up the package. "I need you to call Poison Control for me."

"Why?" Zac asked, frowning now. "Don't you have them on speed dial?"

"They call-blocked me after the paint incident," I replied, entering his dorm and shutting the door – violating just about all of the rules about boys having girls in their rooms – and heading for his phone.

"Oh, yeah. Right – I forgot. That was great, wasn't it?"

Great, fantastic, life-threatening…all of the above.

"Just shut up and call them."

* * *

Acetone works great with glue and if we ever run out of matches, guess what we can use to start fires with?

* * *

I spent a completely unblissful five days hiding myself from the public view until the skin on my face started to peel.

"You know," Vivian informed me as she helped Alyssa skin me in the bathroom. "There are some women who pay thousands of dollars for skin peels like yours."

"Great, fantastic," I replied, my eyes rolling towards Alyssa. "I still have my freckles, right? They don't come off, do they? Because I'm kind of attached to them. I even have names for them."

"You name your freckles?" Vivian paused in her face peeling to stare at me in horrified fascination.

"Sure. What red-head doesn't?"

"What – "

"Just let it go," Alyssa cut in before Vivian could finish her question, "before she decides to tell us the names of each one."

"O-kay." Vivian muttered something under her breath and, naturally, the only word I heard was 'crazy' which I was too worried about my freckles to care about.

"Is Billie Bobette still there? On the side of my nose? You know, the really cute one that kind of looks like a raindrop?"

"Billie Bobette?" Vivian choked out, her hands dropping from my face as she let out a startled and surprised bark of laughter, her glove covered hands slapping over the bottom half of her mouth in bemused horror. "You named it Billie Bobette? Why not Billie Bob?"

"Because it's a girl freckle," I replied, wondering what was wrong with her. Anyone could have told her it was a girl freckle with just one look.

"Seriously?" Vivian turned to look at Alyssa, completely ignoring me as Alyssa let out a small sigh.

"Yes," was her succinct reply that had me frowning slightly.

"Yes?" I repeated, hazarding that it was the right answer as my gaze darted between the two of them. "I'm right, right?"

"Yes, Angel," Alyssa replied, yanking a strip of skin from my face. "You're always right – that's why we worship you."

I had no real reply to that other than –

"OWWWWWWWWWW! FUCK!" I seethed as I glared at her. "That was my good skin!"

I grabbed the strip from her and let out a low moan.

"Oh, Billie Bobette," I crooned, staring forlornly at the lone spot on the strip, tears forming in my eyes. "You were such a good little freckle."

"Right," Vivian decided, shaking her head and climbing to her feet, or rather stumbling to her feet as it seemed her whole body had suddenly decided to have a spasm starting from her lips and working it's way downwards. "I need some air."

She left the bathroom in a rush, shoulders shaking all the way out, and I turned to give Alyssa my best accusing stare.

"See?" I pointed to the closing door. "She understands!"

"Right," Alyssa rolled her eyes and jerked my head back around, grabbing another strip and yanking with just as much force as before.

"NO! Not Georgia Sweet!"

* * *

"I fucking hate this fucking song," I informed Alyssa on a snarl as Bob Marley's 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' played on the radio.

"It's a great song," Alyssa replied as she flipped the page in her book. "Peaceful, soothing even. It has a good feel."

"It makes me want to kill something," I replied, getting to my feet and pacing the room. "Do you still have that pet rock collection?"

Alyssa shifted uncomfortably in her seat as her gaze darted around the room in an open display of embarrassment.

"I thought you promised to never mention that again."

"No, I promised to never try and take them for a walk again," I replied. The first walk had been such an utter and complete disaster anyways that I'd made that decision all on my own even before a half-hysterical Alyssa held a plastic spork to my throat and made me promise to never to it again under pains of being sporked to death in my sleep.

_Spork_, my subconscious giggled. _What a funny word._

I smiled at the memory and settled back down, my high blood pressure leveling out once more as the songs on the radio switched.

"Never mind," I informed her serenely, closing my eyes on a sigh. "I feel better now."

* * *

I was in a mood – the loss of my two favorite freckles had left me melancholy and in desperate search of something to cheer me up so when I stumbled into the Field House during the men's swim practice…

I hid in the upper bleachers and watched with dreamy-eyed content as Pogue flexed, Caleb stroked, and Tyler dove deep while Reid…

"You're drooling."

"Good fucking God, man," I hissed staring up at the blonde as my heart tried to jump out my chest. Probably I should let it – it felt like the damned thing could go ten rounds on his ass without breaking a sweat. "Make some noise next time!"

"That sort of defeats the purpose of sneaking up on someone, don't you think?" Reid stated sagely as he settled his speedo wearing ass next to me, slinging one slightly damp arm over my shoulders and pulling me close until I was practically smothered against him…not that I was complaining.

"Hello," I murmured to his left nipple. "I missed you."

"What?" Reid's amused stutter had me pulling away slightly.

"Nothing. I didn't say anything. You must be hearing things," I bit out defensively, my gaze swiveling side to side as I struggled to find something else to look at.

"Right, I'm the one hearing things," Reid shook his head and muttered something under his breath before turning me to face him.

"Angel," he stated, holding me with one hand on each bicep in a ironclad grip.

"Yes?" I murmured, not entirely comfortable with the near-maniac gleam in his eyes.

"Do you love Tyler?"

"Love?" I stared at Reid with confusion tinged horror. "_**Love?**_"

"Because if you love Tyler, I need you to do something for him."

I let the love thing slide because quite frankly at this point in my seventeen years of existence I was more concerned with sex than love and even then, I wasn't entirely sure if one was necessary for the other to exist and even then I didn't understand this thought process and Reid was staring at me with those eyes and my heart was thumping in my chest and….I completely forgot the question and everything that Reid had apparently said after it.

"Yes?" I ventured tentatively. When in doubt…no was actually the better course of action.

_Fuck._

"Great," Reid smiled widely. "Then it's settled. See you tomorrow."

"Great?" I watched Reid's ass walk away, whatever he was talking about sliding from my mind as a new thought entered.

"If I could take the ass and forget the rest…" I let that thought trail off with a sigh. "Right, an ass is utterly useless without the ass attached to it."

But it really was a _**great **_ass.

"Someday," I decided, getting to my feet and heading for the door, "I'm going to own an ass that good."

* * *

"Are you ready?" Reid greeted me in Econ, practically bouncing on his toes as he beamed at me.

"Yes," I replied automatically before yesterday's little tidbit from my subconscious re-entered my mind. "No, wait, I mean, no."

But it was too late.

With a dramatic flourish, Reid Garwin did the weirdest thing ever.

Lips tilted upwards, hands clasped firmly on either side of my head, with our entire class – including teacher – watching, he kissed me.

With tongue.

He tasted wild – like spicy tacos mixed with chocolate ice cream with a hint of mint and my eyes fluttered closed on their own accord as his lips worked against my own.

_I'm a horrible kisser, _my subconscious noted with curious detachment, but I really couldn't have given a flying fuck at that moment.

Reid Garwin was…no longer kissing me.

There was no sound and for a moment I was convinced I was stuck in a dream – a horribly wonderful nightmare of Tim Burton proportions – until I opened my eyes again to find the entirety of our econ class watching us with dumbstruck looks.

And then there was Tyler, who wasn't even looking at me, his entire gaze focused on Reid – an intense gaze that was returned with the same amount of heat and had me pulling back slightly away from the grip Reid suddenly retained on my arm to glance between the two of them with no small amount of suspicion.

"You're not _really _gay, are you?"

A/N: I was going to end this two pages ago but I needed some Reid oogling. It's small but there and within the next week I shall include nudity. Because I'm evil…


	16. Soap

A/N: Two weeks is actually three in Angel's world...sorry for the wait. My muse, it turns out, is a vindictive bitch. I actually kind of like her, except she keeps screaming at me and God it would be nice if she would just shut up for one day! But then I'd be bored and have no one to talk to...(it's two fifteen in the morning and I've been working on this since around twelve forty - I'd say 'Say thank you' but that's like voluntarily submitting yourself to the stockades in an Ol' English Village and telling the people with rotten fruit to 'Go nuts.')

"I've had a terrible day."

First there'd been the kiss, then there'd been the smiling, then had come the worst part ever – the hand-holding.

I stared at my hand in contemplative wonder, debating whether or not I should wash it, never wash it again, or chop it off completely.

But if I chopped it off there was still the question of whether or not it was a trophy or a biohazard…and I'd probably end up bleeding to death, anyways.

"Soap," I decided, poking my head out of the janitor's closet in which I had taken refuge after Reid's Proclamation – the bastard.

_He _wasn't the one with a lynching party after his ass. _He _didn't have to worry about his best friend _smothering him _in his sleep.

But Tyler's expression hadn't exactly been supportive.

Come to think of it, nobody had seemed all that supportive.

Pogue had started coughing, Kate had been squealing (which was normal), Kira Snider had sneered, Aaron Abbott had eyed me speculatively (another tally in favor of the washing column – in the grand scheme of things the grossness of Aaron Abbott far outweighed the irritating hotness of Reid Garwin), and Caleb…

"And you fucking insane?" It was the first time I'd ever heard the eldest son swear (and it had been a beautiful swear, too, with his voice cracking right at the end).

Then there was Tyler, who'd stood there for about fifteen seconds in blank faced shock before calmly sitting down in his seat and pulling out his notebook.

She was surprised to find herself mildly disappointed with his reaction because he was, after all, her stalkee, but then the reminder of Reid's proclamation had her dropping her forward to thunk against the door.

_Dating._

God-fucking-love the bastard, but he'd told their entire Econ class the two of us were going out and now Alyssa was mad as sin and Vivian…

Good lord but that chick was nuts. Granted, I'd known that she was slightly off her rocket from the beginning (she'd cackled like a madwoman with the underwear and it'd taken me years to master that kind of evil laugh), and then there was the whole 'Let's make Angel into a Diety and create a cult to Worship Her' thing which was brilliant but also batshit insane.

So it figured that she'd try and pull a Danielle and yanked about half the hair from my head in an effort to create a voodoo doll through which she could live vicariously.

"You know what," I had assured her the last time they'd cornered me just outside the Math department office. "You're right – I'm being selfish."

"Yes," Vivian had hissed with undisguised glee before pulling back with a blank frown. "You are?"

"I am," I assured her as earnestly as I could managed. "Completely and utterly selfish. I mean, how fair is it to you for me to go out with Reid all by myself? You should come with."

"Like on a date?" Danielle had piped in from the side.

"Exactly!" I smiled widely at the three of them. "We should all go out on a date."

"With each other?" Danielle peered dubiously at me for a moment, her eyes doing a quick up and down scan before refocusing on my face. "No offense Angel – you're hot, but I don't do girls."

"Do?" I blinked at her for a moment. "Me?"

"I could do you," Vivian offered, eyes taking on a faraway gleam, "but only if I get Reid for desert."

Drool was forming at the corner of her mouth which was mildly disturbing and disgusting because she was close enough that if it fell it was going to land on me.

"Right, no – wait – wrong. Wait, huh?" I had lost my train of thought which was never a good thing.

"How about if we skip me and go straight to him?" I offered instead, shifting slightly and just resisting the urge to whimper when Vivian's grip tightened to near choking proportions.

"I could go for that," Vivian refocused on my with a insane-edged gleam in her eyes. "Which do you want – the front or the back? I'm partial to the back but all the good stuff is in the front."

"Huh?" This was strange – a new and novel experience for me. I'd finally meant someone who could rival me for crazy and to be honest I wasn't really liking it.

"You know what?" I decided, taking control of this conversation in the desperate hope that I could say something that would get Vivian to let go of me so I could run. "How about for the sake of our friendship I step aside?"

"We aren't that good of friends," Vivien replied. "And Reid Garwin's a manwhore."

"Okay, I give up," I threw in the towel after about thirty-seconds of trying to puzzle that one out. I wasn't hurt by the friends thing – I had Alyssa and Zac and really, in the grand scheme of things, they were my posse, my homeboys, my groupies…

My peeps.

_Peeps, _my brain piped in, my lip curling with revulsion at the mental picture that word evoked. For some strange reason I kept picturing myself at the White House, hiding in a tree while a strange man in a white suit cackles and places small pink balls of fluff around the base of the tree, effectively trapping me. It was three days before I stepped foot on solid ground and they literally had to turf the place before that would happen.

Creepy ass peeps – let me tell you, the Secret Service was not amused. The US Government was not amused. The Taxpayers were even less amused.

"Reid Garwin has made a public declaration of open affection for you," Vivian stated, drawing me back to the present. "Do you have any idea what that means? Do you? Do you?"

"For fucks sake, stop shaking me woman!" I snarled, wrenching myself from of her lunatic grip and dropping to the ground, nearly stumbling as I landed because – good-jesus-god – I hadn't realized she'd been holding me of the ground.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I snapped, rubbing at my arm pits which had been supporting most of my weight, apparently. "Are you insane?"

It wasn't a rhetorical question – when people asked me if I was crazy I always assumed it was because duh! Isn't the answer obvious? – but when I asked other people, I was always serious.

Vivian unshockingly chose to ignore me.

"More importantly, he knows you."

"Everybody knows me," I pointed out pragmatically. "I'm like a legend around these parts."

And I wasn't bragging at all – I was being honest. I'm good with the honesty, apparently, especially with regards to the past five minutes or so.

"He knows what you'll do to him if he cheats on you."

I was really curious by this point – I didn't know what I'd do to Reid if he cheated on me so it was a real wonder and marvelous mystery to me as to how Reid could already know – but I maintained my silence as I slowly started to edge my way back towards the sea of humanity.

"Which means that he was serious about wanting to date you," Vivian had lost some of her enthusiasm as she stood there conversing with a brick wall. "Which means he must really like you, which means…"

I didn't hear what that meant after that since I had already disappeared around the corner nor did I particularly care I was just so relieved to be rid of the crazy for the moment.

The lynching party, by far, had been the highlight of the evening. They'd even had a rope and everything.

Hell, one of them had even accused me of witchcraft and tried to get the others to agree to burn me at the stake.

Witchcraft.

Geez, people were seriously fucked up these days.

* * *

After escaping the confines of the Janitor's closet (one of the every expanding mysteries of the universe – why are Janitor closets always so fucking dirty?) I wandered around al la Mission Impossible style for about five minutes while my brain tried to figure out what to do next.

I left the majority of my IQ to that problem, stepping aside so the higher reasoning skills could take over, and snuck into the cafeteria to steal a muffin.

It wasn't as good as a Zac-muffin, but it was good enough, I suppose. A little undercooked, but hey, raw eggs never hurt anybody, right?

_He's joking._

"Huh? What?" Little muffin crumbs tumbled from my mouth as my head jerked around at the sound.

The thought came out of left field, surprising the hell out of me so much it took a second for me to realize that the crystal-clear voice was actually _inside_ my head.

_Reid, _the voice explained patiently. _This is his revenge for the t-shirts._

"Really?" I mulled over this for a moment, my higher thought processes letting me borrow their reasoning skills for a moment while I processed.

"Makes sense," I finally decided, feeling simultaneous waves of relief and disappointment. The disappointment was unwelcome and completely unexpected so I shoved it aside in the mental side room where I stored most unwelcome emotions and thought processes (sanity) and shut it with a firm click of the lock.

"So," I asked the voice, muffin forgotten. "What do I do now?"

_Confront the bastard,_ came the sharp retort. _And kick his ass._

"Ass kicking I can do," I replied, setting the muffin down and brushing my hands off as my gaze turned towards the exit and landed on a strange person I didn't know standing in the entrance way.

"Wasup?" I nodded at them, full-on gangsta. The figure said nothing, just lifted their hand and took a bite from the apple that had been hiding in their hand.

"You must be Angel," the figure spoke a crystal clear alto that had me almost blinking – I'd half expected the person to be a boy. She had a sharp jaw, high cheekbones, and delicate features that gave her the appearance of a young teenage boy. Her pixie cut hair sticking up all over the place didn't help matters much, either.

But all that shit aside, there was a very important question to be asked here.

"How do you know my name?" Usually it takes a day or two for new people to figure out who I am. Oh, they all get the usual warning – if you see a head of read, run like hell in the opposite direction unless you want trouble.

Most freshmen mistakenly assume this means I'm a bully – truth is I'm just dangerous. It's a talent.

The other girl smiled, reaching into the pocket of her pants and pulling out a piece of paper, letting it unfold as she held up to show me.

_WANTED_, the paper proclaimed in giant letters with a very unflattering picture of me underneath.

The quality was godawful – you couldn't even tell if that was my face, but the hair was a little harder to hide.

"Huh," I grabbed the flyer from her, chewing on the inside of my lip as I studied it. "Those bitches do fast work. Damn that photoshop."

"What'd you do?" The girl asked, obviously curious despite her attempts at a cool tone.

"Kissed a boy," I replied. "And stalked another one. And stole underwear and made t-shirts and fell into a pool…it's a long story."

"Sounds interesting," the girl really did look interested and she had that gleam in her eyes that made me want to declare her bosom buddies and recruit her to be a part of my posse, but Alyssa had this stupid rule about adopting people you just met…

"You know what?" I told her with a wide smile and a friendly tap to her shoulder. "Come find me in two months. I'm sure I can get Alyssa to bend the rules a little bit. You look like fun."

"Really?" Her eyes twinkled and her smile was positively evil.

"Maybe a week," I amended after a seconds thought, nodding my head as I started walking again.

"See you around," the girl called from behind me, but I was back in a Reid frame of mind so I only had enough control to give a half-hearted wave before poking my head out the door to make sure the hall was clear and heading over to the Fieldhouse.

* * *

Boys swim practice was already finished by the time I made it inside. I'd had to come through a back entrance overgrown with shrubs and possibly some poison ivy because all the main entrances were being guarded by gaggles of rabid girls with those badly done photoshops plastered willy nilly.

I was feeling a little resentful at this point – not because of the photos, though they were absolutely atrocious – but because if I had put those posters up, the Provost would have already removed them by now.

_Discriminating old goat,_ the higher reasoning section of my brain grumbled, the lower reasoning agreeing full-heartedly.

I had leaves in my hair, dirt streaked on my legs and face, and a scratch on my hand that stung like hell, so I was a little distracted and unfocused when I wandered into the boys locker room.

At least, that was going to be my excuse if anybody complained…

"Uh, oh." I don't know who started the murmuring, but uh, oh? Seriously? I – the angel of doom – make an appearance and all anybody can muster up for me is a lazy 'uh, oh'.

"Pitiful," I muttered under my breath, shaking my head.

"Hey!" One of the athletes protested, gripping the towel around his waist tighter. "It's cold!"

"Huh?" I blinked at him, confused. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"What the hell are _you _talking about?" He shot back, relaxing somewhat when he realized he and I were talking about two separate things.

"Whatever," I shook this off, focusing in on him like a hound finding a fox. "Where's Reid?"

"Garwin?" The boy blinked at me for a second before his eyes widened to near double proportions.

"Oh fuck," he muttered before turning and practically scrambling for the door, about half the locker room following him.

"Did you really blow up a toilet?" The curious faced-freshman had forgone attempts to flee to safety in favor of curiosity. I eyed him carefully.

A little on the scrawny side, but when recruiting time came around, I'd find a way to put his small stature to good use.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Reginald."

I fought back a grimace. Gee-zus, have pity.

"Your parents should be shot," I informed him dispassionately before patting him on the head. "Look me up when you grow a chest hair and we'll talk about a job."

"Thanks?" The kid – Reggie, I decided with a happy mental nod – blinked at me in confusion before shaking it off in favor of his original question.

"So? Is it true?"

"It was an accident," I replied. "I was going through a Harry Potter phase and it turns about that sometimes chemicals will do explode when you mix them."

"You're my hero," Reggie had the whole starry-eyed thing going on that made is abundantly clear half his brain had taken a vacay into la-la land.

"Thanks," I replied with a chipper smile. "But I have a boyfriend. Speaking of which…"

I turned to my original mission, barely paying attention to the wistful sigh behind me as I proceeded further into the locker room.

"Angel?"

"Caleb!" I chirruped, happy to finally have a chest I recognized in my field of vision. "You're chest is dreamy."

"What are you doing here?" Caleb replied, crossing his arms over said dreamy chest. I sighed in disappointment before refocusing on him.

"Where's Reid?" I asked, refocusing on my original mission (really, focus is so not my forte) and reluctantly raising my gaze from Caleb's pecs to his face.

"He's in the showers," Tyler's deep baritone stated. I snapped my gaze his way, hoping for some bare chest action and sighing again, this time in disappointment, when he turned out to be fully dressed.

"Drats," I murmured, giving him a wistful look before shaking my head.

_Mission,_ higher reasoning reminded me purposefully. _Kill Reid._

"Right," I shook my head again, clenching my fists and smiling tightly. "Mission, kill Reid. Got it."

"Wait a minute – " Caleb was the voice of reason, but I was beyond reason as I headed for the shower.

God, that bastard – kissing me and then playing this joke and god help him but if he ever brought those lips near me again I was going to do my best to bite them off. And if there was some tonsil hockey involved, all the better. Maybe if I stuck my tongue far enough down his throat I could retrieve his vocal cords…

I was distracted by thoughts of a voice-boxless Reid that I entered the showering area, my feet unerringly leading me to the lone occupied shower head, completely unfocused.

So it was with a real start that I came back to reality with a surprising realization.

"Angel," Reid blinked at me from underneath a head full of shampoo bubbles. "What are you doing here?"

"You're naked." My gaze jerked up to his face just as he turned so he was fully facing me. "Why are you naked?" There was a very real note of panic in my voice and I turned as the sound of footsteps echoed from the show entrance.

"Why is he naked?" I asked the rest of the sons, tone imploring.

"He's in the shower," Tyler pointed, sounding surprisingly amused. "Normal people shower naked."

"I shower naked," I replied somewhat defensively since it seemed like Tyler was making an 'Angel-is-abnormal' joke, which didn't usually bother me but when it was Tyler…

"You wanted to talk?" Reid asked, drawing me away from Tyler's smiling eyes to turn and face my blond nemesis. I caught the vaguest flash of an unhappy frown before I was once more facing Reid.

I tried and tried and tried to come up with the reason why I was here but higher reasoning had abandoned me at the moment, jumping from gleeful joy in the back of my skull so hard I was biting my tongue to keep from squealing like some gooey-goof of a fangirl.

And lower reasoning was only interested in lower things, which meant…

"We'll talk later," I informed Reid tightly, fists curled at my sides as I turned.

"Excuse me."

I walked calmly past the other sons, barely processing Caleb's long suffering look and barely hearing Pogue's snickering and Tyler saying something to Reid who said something defensive in reply but by then I was already leaving so I have no idea what happened next.

* * *

_This is comfortable, _higher reasoning poked around a bit and decided she liked my current position.

_Cozy, ain't it?_ Lower reasoning replied, the two personalities at peace as we lazed about in relative comfort.

I'd retreated to safety to re-gather my thoughts and avoid another lynching party and so far I was having a hard time coming up with a reason to leave.

_Bathroom breaks, _higher reasoning broke in easily enough.

_Food_, lower reasoning put in her two cents.

_Oh, shut up,_ I replied, slightly annoyed. _Just enjoy the moment._

The moment lasted another five seconds before the sound of a door opening had me poking my head out of my hiding spot and taking a look around.

"I don't believe it," Danielle was saying. "I mean, this is Angel we're talking about. She doesn't do shit like this."

"It's awful," Zac was saying, holding the now familiar poster in his hands and fighting a grimace. "It looks like a kindergartner made it with elmers glue and magazine cut-outs."

"You're being kind," Alyssa informed him. "I had it pegged as a one year old."

"I mean, if it had been anybody else, I'd believe it, but Reid? No way."

"Well, you have to admit, she isn't acting normal," Vivian replied, causing Zac to snort and Alyssa to arch an eyebrow pointedly.

"Okay, so she's acting normal which is admittedly really abnormal for her. I mean, come on! She left! She's disappeared! She's in hiding! She's – "

"Missing," Alyssa stated dryly.

"Exactly! What kind of a cult are we if we can't keep track of our own diety? I thought you were watching her!" Vivian rounded in on Zac who held his hands defensively in front of him.

"Hey! This is Angel we're talking about! She's like a fucking ghost or something."

"Like the wind," Danielle agreed with a sage nod.

"Exactly. Have you ever tried to follow the wind? It pretty damn difficult."

"Forget the wind," Vivian snapped, scowling at the taller boy with surprisingly ferocity. "Just follow the hair."

I nodded quietly to myself at that.

_Valid point,_ lower reasoning and higher reasoning agreed.

_We should do something about that, _higher reasoning mused thoughtfully. I was almost tempted to start tapping my chin in contemplative thought when the conversation picked up below.

"Do you think it's real?" Danielle was asking, sounding completely uncertain. "I mean, this sounds like something Angel would do."

"You saw her in the hall," Zac replied. "Did she look like she planned this?"

"I don't know," Vivian replied, chewing on her bottom lip before glancing over at Alyssa. "What does she usually look like when she's plotting?"

"Thoughtful," was Alyssa's reply.

"Thoughtful…" Vivian tapped her chin in contemplative thought I grinned because I had resisted the urge. "Nope. Not thoughtful."

"Does she really even think?" Danielle piped in, drawing all eyes to her in surprise.

"I mean, I know she comes up with these great ideas but sometimes it seems like, you know, she just kind of pulls them out of nowhere. Like magic," there was an almost mystical quality to the way she whispered the last two words that had the other three exchanging looks while I watched with a semi-scowl since Danielle was more or less implying that I didn't think before I did things.

"She has a point," Zac pointed out, looking over at Alyssa. "Even you have to admit to it."

Alyssa said nothing but her expression was almost agreeable and I was starting to feel left out so I decided to put in my two cents.

"I do so think," I informed them haughtily from my hiding spot. "I escaped the lynching party, didn't I?"

"What the fuck!" Zac whirled around so fast he actually fell down. "Where the hell is she?"

He scrambled to his feet, using Alyssa as a climbing post and then as a shield as he hid behind her, eyes darting every which way.

"She really is a god," he squeaked out, pulling Alyssa tighter against him.

"Angel?" Vivian called out, peering into the shadows.

"Over here!" I called back, smiling widely and practically bouncing my toes when she found him, the others crowding her close behind.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Vivian asked, blinking at my head since the rest of me was comfortably contained on the inside of the cultist robes we'd been using.

"Hiding," I replied, eyeing her with some annoyance. I mean, seriously – lynching parties? What the hell else would I be doing in a props closet? Working on my tan?

"Where were you?" Alyssa broke in, her tone practically angry which in Alyssa-speak meant she was absolutely furious at me.

"Uh oh." Alyssa's eyebrows tilted down to form a visible angry "V" and I searched my memory banks in a frantic attempt to come up with something to get that look off her face.

"I saw Reid naked!"

Her eyebrows went up so fast I could see her face muscles actually spasm in reaction.

"How was it?" Vivian asked, dodging the specifics and getting right to the juicy stuff, drool forming and eyes glazing over...and for once I could totally sympathize.

"I'm never washing my eyeballs again."


	17. Porn Pedophilia and Salmonella

A/N: Blame Paris. Blame the French. Blame the drugs somebodies obviously been inhaling. Better yet, blame college and tuition and bills and siblings who won't shut up and dogs that won't shut up and music that sucks.

**_Really _**blame music that sucks. On a completely random note, I created a playlist today for my iPod. The title? "I Was Bored and Therefore Can't Be Held Responsible For My Actions Or This Playlist" I'm planning on listening to it at work tomorrow.

"Paris Hilton."

Zac stared at me for a long moment, jaw clenched before he shook his head.

"No."

"Why not?" Alyssa snorted from her corner and I spared her the briefest of frowns before refocusing on Zac.

"No boobs," was his immediate reply.

"So? Annie Spokes doesn't have a chest and you still slept with her."

"That was different," Zac defended his previous conquest with all due loyalty. "Annie has a brain."

"And Paris doesn't"

"Paris Hilton is a soul-sucking harpy with a body by Lincoln Logs and a brain that Matel wouldn't even touch."

"Please," Alyssa muttered as she flipped the page in the textbook she was studying. "You're giving her too much credit."

"With the brain?" Zac blinked at her, very much confused. "How much dumber can you get than Matel?"

"Barney," was Alyssa's immediate reply.

"Hey!" I protested, loudly and with a genuine amount of annoyance. "Don't diss the big guy – I grew up watching Baby Bop and Mr. Rogers."

"Mr. Rogers was never on Barney."

"He wasn't?"

This was disturbing – in my memories Mr. Rogers and Barney were like bosom bodies. I distinctly remember something about them buttoning sweaters together and eating pickles…

"Are you sure?" I had my suspicions, but they were largely ignored along with the rest of this conversation as Zac went back to our original subject.

"And anyways, she sucks in bed."

"Whoa – wait, how would you know?"

"Please, don't tell me you've never seen One Night in Paris."

"Is that a foreign film?" Alyssa let out another snort and turned another page and I gave her a look of supreme annoyance.

"You should really see a doctor for that," I informed her tartly. "It's sounds cancerous."

Alyssa responded with a huffing sigh which was only slightly less annoying than the snort.

"It's a porn film," Zac replied. "And I can't believe you haven't seen it. I mean, everybody's seen it. Alyssa's seen it."

"Really?" Alyssa glanced up from her book and nodded and I pouted in response.

"I can't believe you watched porn without me."

"Watching porn isn't exactly an activity that engenders itself to better relations among friends," Alyssa replied dryly.

"Please, what can draw people together more quickly than two complete strangers getting naked and doing the nasty for your viewing pleasure?"

I paused for a moment, considered the subject matter, and shook my head as a shiver ran down my spine at the thought of watching porn with Alyssa.

Creepy was a good word. Life-threatening, mind-blowingly, claw-my-eyes-out-with-a-spork-and-force-feed-them-to-a-baby weird was an even better turn of phrase.

"Whatever," I decided with a faint shiver of disgust. "I'll put it on my playlist the next time I'm surfing the web."

"They have porn playlists?" Zac's eyebrows skyrocketed as he dug his spoon into the ice cream we'd been sharing for the past fifteen minutes.

"They should," I replied, scooping up my own spoonful of sugary goodness. "I mean, it would suck pretty hard to be right in the middle of things and have one of your primary aids just go flat on you."

"Ugh," Zac gave me a slitty-eyed stare. "Use a different word, Angel. Flat just sounds so…disfiguring."

"Deflated?" I hazarded and Zac thunked his head onto the counter.

"Are we finished with this conversation?" I asked after giving him a few moments to collect himself. "Because it's kind of weird."

"Kind of?" Alyssa muttered from her corner and I fought the urge to chuck my spoon at her head and instead proffered my next optional choice for an invisible fuck-buddy for Zac.

"Miley Cyrus."

Zac had brought his head up just in time to hear my suggestion and I was treated to the lovely sight of him choking on his own spit.

It took a good fifteen seconds of solid hacking before he'd sucked enough oxygen into his lungs to respond.

"I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!"

"Well," a familiar voice drawled from the doorway. "That's always good to know."

I ignored Reid in favor of frowning at Zac.

"Dude, she's seventeen. It's no longer statutory rape."

"It's Hannah Montana," Zac replied. "I could never have sex with someone who's first name rhymes with their last. It's tacky."

In a weird sort of way…it totally made sense.

"Okay," I replied with a nod. "You win."

"Whatever," Zac replied, staring forlornly down into the ice cream for a long moment before tossing his spoon down and moving around me back into the bakery's kitchen. "I have to go bleach my brain. I think this conversation may have done permanent damage."

"Please," I scoffed. "This is nothing. We've so totally had worse. You remember the great Toy Story debacle of seventh grade?"

"Shut the fuck up," Alyssa replied immediately and with a startling large amount of vehemence that had Reid jerking around in surprise to gape at the suddenly livid brunette. "Don't even think about bringing that conversation back to life. We swore we'd never mention it again – in blood. **_In blood_**, Angela."

"Right," I nodded, shifting somewhat nervously as my eyes hastily dropped to the tabletop in submission. "I forgot. Won't happen again."

"Good," Alyssa relaxed back, letting out a loud relieved sigh as she nodded, looking like the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted from her shoulders. "Excellent."

"You know," Reid stated, drawing my attention to him for the first real time since he'd entered the room. "I think the first rule of our relationship it that you're no longer allowed to have weird and random conversations when I'm not around. I always walk in right in the middle of them and have absolutely no idea what's going on."

"Every conversation with me is weird and random," I replied with honest mystification. "You want me to only talk in front of you? Then how would I talk about you?"

"You talk about me?" Reid actually looked happy at the thought.

"Of course not," was my reply as my eyes slid to the left and I tried frantically to remember if you were suppose to look left or right when you're lying. "That would be rude."

"Aww," Reid practically cooed as he slid into Zac's recently vacated spot. "You like me. You really, really like me."

"I detest you with every fiber of my being," I replied honestly. "Sort of."

"Words every boyfriend longs to hear," Reid replied dryly as he swallowed a spoonful of ice cream.

"You're not my boyfriend," I replied, shifting through the ice cream in search of a chunk of raw cookie dough, which I scooped up and stared at for a moment.

"You know," I continued speaking without waiting for Reid to have a speaking turn. "They say you can catch salmonella from raw cookie dough…so why do they put it in ice cream? Isn't that like adding paint chips to pudding?"

"It's cooked," Alyssa replied, flipping another page. Sometimes I think that's the only reason Alyssa speaks – because she has to turn the page. Lord forbid she actually take a break from studying to converse with her best friend for five minutes.

That was actually why we'd come to the bakery – Mommy Alyssa was getting tired of Baby Angel and wanted Big Daddy Zac to take her off her hands for a while.

Unfortunately for Alyssa, I had a good track record of breaking Zac. The record was forty-five seconds, so today hardly counted (thirty-two minutes, seventeen seconds) but psychological scarring was inevitable. So was brain damage, though I was never entirely sure the two weren't somehow intertwined. Is it possible to have one without the other?

_Sure it is_, some smart part of my brain piped in. _Babies are born mentally damaged every day._

_Morbid_, I replied, frowning slightly at the voice. _You're no longer allowed to talk._

"Are you sure?" I asked in response to Alyssa's original answer as I peered dubiously at the lump of dough on my spoon.

"Yes," Alyssa replied before dropping her eyes back to her book and thus ensuring the discontinuance of our conversation for the next seventeen paragraphs or so.

"How am I not your boyfriend?" Reid asked, ignoring me and Alyssa's side conversation – which I kind of liked him for. It was nice to meet a guy with selective hearing abilities. It sure beat those whiny bitches always asking me what the hell I was talking about.

"You're playing a practical joke on me," I replied, scooping another ball of dough. "It's revenge for the t-shirts."

"I've already retaliated for the shirts," Reid replied, scooping out the vanilla ice cream and completely forgoing the dough.

"The boxers, then."

"I've already retaliated for the boxers, too," Reid replied, which really surprised me.

"Really? How?"

"If you haven't figured it out, I'm not telling you."

"But we're in a relationship," I replied. "We have to be honest with each other if we want to make this thing work."

"You just told me I'm not your boyfriend," Reid replied, scooping up another spoonful of ice cream minus all the goodies. "Ergo, I can lie to you without consequences."

"There are always consequences," I informed him tartly. "And for the next forty seconds pretend like we're actually in a relationship. What did you do?"

"One word," Reid replied, scooping up another spoonful of plain vanilla and swallowing it down before finishing his sentence. "Photoshop."

It took me a few seconds but by the time it caught up with me, I was ready to lunge for his throat.

"You dick."

"Beats ass," Reid replied with that wicked smile that semi-derailed my thought processes for a moment.

"You're the one responsible for that god-awful lynching poster?"

"Hey! I provided the photo – my fanclub did all of the rest of the work."

"You have a fan club?" I perked up at that. "How the hell did I not know this? Did you know this?"

Alyssa shook her head, eyes fixated on the book, thus indicating that she hadn't quite finished her page yet and thus it was pointless to try and engage her in a conversation.

"Geez." I did not like this, not at all. If Reid had a fan club, then Tyler must have a fucking cult.

_You have a cult_, my mental voice reminded me.

True.

Having a cult wasn't too bad, except when people got annoying and started thinking for themselves.

Which reminded me…it'd been too long since the Cult had convened – or recruited.

_Reggie,_ my mental voice supplied. _And that new girl._

But I'd have to think of something that would actually require the assistance of two new recruits.

Alyssa was starting to get annoyed with my habit of randomly recruiting strangers, but I kept pointing out to her the usefulness of my recruits – Danielle did a lot of grunt work and Jean-Luc was like a puppy, the perfect mascot.

And Alyssa always fought back with Vivian who had caused her a significant amount of distress with the 'kidnapping to France and ravishing Angel within an inch of her life' fiasco of…was it last week? Two weeks ago?

It was less than a month, that much I knew.

But then I always replied that Vivian had helped with the underwear and Alyssa dryly pointed to my current situation as proof that the underwear was a Bad Idea and I always conceded that one.

_Fucking underwear_, I thought darkly, refocusing on reality as Reid spoke again.

"But I asked and you said yes, so that makes me your boyfriend."

"I did not say yes," I replied.

"You kissed me," Reid shot back.

"I did?" For some reason I was infinitely pleased with this answer. I'd spent all of yesterday worrying that kissing me was like kissing a dead fish – limp and cold – but if Reid said I kissed him – well, he was the expert on these matters.

"Sort of," Reid replied and my hope wilted. "You'll get better – we'll practice."

"No," I replied, shaking my head at the wicked gleam in Reid's eyes. "No fucking way."

"That, too."

"Back!" I ordered, lifting my spoon, armed with a cookie dough missile as I glared at him. "Touch me and receive the wrath of salmonella!"

"It's cooked," Alyssa stated from her corner, sparing me the briefest of severely annoyed looks before flipping the page and returning to her own little corner of reality, leaving me to deal with the lascivious blond Lothario in front of me.

"I hate you," I replied and it was a toss up as to whom I was referring to – Reid or Alyssa.

"See?" Reid scooped up some vanilla. "Terms of endearment already. This relationship is going great."

"Fuck you."

"Gladly," Reid replied, teeth sinking into his bottom lip as he smiled at me and I got a hot flash.

"You suck," I pouted, watching as Reid once more forwent the good stuff for the sake of vanilla. In reality, the only thing that was really sucking here (aside from the situation) was my snappy arsenal of comebacks. Two word responses were only funny when they were intentionally two word responses and when you were only saying them because the person you were conversing with was so god-awful hot your brain cells friend and -

"What the hell is your problem?" I finally asked with severe annoyance as Reid delved around another lump of cookie dough to imbibe on yet another spoonful of plain vanilla. "You haven't eaten a single piece of cookie dough since you picked up a spoon. What's up with that?"

"I like vanilla," Reid replied. "It's good – pure."

"Vanilla?" Zac poked his head out the back room and narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.

"Not that vanilla," Reid replied, effortlessly following Zac's thought process as he ate another spoonful, making a show of licking the back of the spoon while he stared directly at me, purposely teasing me.

"Angel," Reid practically simpered, voice thick with satisfaction. "You're drooling."

God help the bastard, but he was right.

"It's the salmonella," I replied.

"For the last time!" Alyssa slammed her book shut and glared at me, steam practically pouring out her ears. "It's _**cooked!**_"

* * *

A/N: I was listening to Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears while writing this. So, in summary: porn, pedophilia, and salmonella.

This chapter has very little relevance to the plot (and yes, yes, yes! There is a plot!) but I've had a bad day and needed to vent. And god-help-you, if any of you suckers tell me to have more bad days, I'll lock Reid up in a tall tower and send Tyler to Antartica.

(On a side note, I feel infinitely better referring to my readers and reviewers as suckers. My people skills totally suck and I'm twisted enough in the head to enjoy this fact.)


	18. Gayness

**A/N: **I would like to begin by offering a formal apology to anybody who's ever been a fan of this fic - I've been a complete jackass about updating. I would like to defend myself by rudely sticking out my tongue and wiggling it at you. Next, I would like to apologize for my previous behavior and defend my current one: I've been incredibly, incredibly, incredibly busy. I've got work and I've got school and I've got a sick fifteen year old cockapoo who's not going to be around much longer. Depressed, much?

On to happier moments: I wanted to do a special Halloween chapter but I was watching The Rocky Horror Picture show with two drunk friends. Sorry. I wanted to have four chapters to post at once in an apology for my three month sabatical - I only have the one. Sorry. I wanted to wait until the next chapter to do what I did in this chapter but have yet to really explain until the next chapter but I couldn't. If I want this to have a plot, it has to be here. I'm actually not sorry this time...so there.

* * *

"Happy, happy, happy, happy," I bounced in place as I danced around the storage room in absolute delight.

"You know," Zac told Alyssa, watching me like a dog watches a tennis ball. "I wish there was such a thing as a friend separation."

Alyssa arched an eyebrow.

"You know, not quite a divorce but a period of time apart where you aren't obligated to speak or even be civil to each other."

"Am I pissing you off?" I asked happily as I switched from up and down to side to side, breathing elevated as my heart beat double time in response to my overactivity.

"Yes."

"Big news, people," Vivan breezed into the room with Danielle on her heels. "We may have found a solution to all our problems."

"We have problems?" I blinked at Vivian before turning to look at Zac. "How come nobody's ever told me about these problems?"

Zac and Alyssa were careful not to meet my gaze.

"Pay attention, Snowflake," Vivian snapped, drawing my attention back to her.

"I'm not sure I like being referred to as Snowflake," I murmured, more to myself than anybody else. "Sounds stupid."

"Suits ya," Zac informed me breezily as he came to stand next to me, smiling before turning his attention to Vivian. "So what's happenin' Captain?"

"Oh," I nodded my head, grinning widely. "Code names. Me Snowflake, you Captain. Can I pick Alyssa's?"

"No," Vivian bit out immediately before setting a pile of papers on the table in front of us.

"Lone Ranger," I declared happily, easily ignoring Vivian. "And Jean-Luc can be Tonto."

"He's French," Zac interrupted his conversation with Vivian to shoot me an annoyed look. "The French used to kill Indians. You can't call him Tonto – it's culturally insensitive."

"Fine. He can be Toto then. And Danielle will be DG."

"DG?" Danielle blinked at me in confusion.

"Haven't you ever seen Tin Man?"

I was a little bit dumbstruck by her completely blank look in response.

"Alyssa," I clutched at my chest and stumbled back towards my friend. "I can't…it's just…oh god."

"Suck it up, Sunshine," Vivian broke in, looking visibly peeved as everybody stopped paying attention to her to pay attention to me.

"I'm _Snowflake,_" I reminded her patiently as I regained my own footing. "We don't have a Sunshine."

"So what's the plan?" Zac broke in, redirecting the conversation back to the task at hand. Which remained a complete and total mystery to me.

"Step One: We get Reid to marry Angel. Step Two: We move Reid, Tyler, and Angel to Utah. Step Three: They become mormons and since Angel makes the most money she marries both of them and they live off of her and become totally dependent upon her income until they die."

"That's an awful plan," Danielle was the first to break our collective stunned/pondering silence. I had actually tried to follow Vivian's plan, thinking it was a great idea until she mentioned religion. I think she lost Alyssa right around the time she suggested moving me, and Zac had ended at the 'Reid marries Angel' bit. "Come up with something better."

"Alright," Vivian tossed the first planning paper aside and settled a new one in its place. "Plan B: we ship all three of them to Africa."

"Next." Alyssa broke in, arms crossed over her chest, her lips tilted slightly downwards into a scowl of monumental proportions. Vivian glared – unhappy and pissed that her second plan hadn't even progressed beyond the first stage before it was unceremoniously shot down.

"Alright, Plan C: We go to Boston and have Tyler and Reid get married in a Civil Ceremony and then proceed to impregnate Angel with their love child that the three of them will raise together while living in the same house and engaging in copious amounts of sex."

I blinked.

"Are you fucking insane?" Zac asked, seriously concerned as he peered into her eyes.

"No," Vivian ducked away from him with a glare. "Why the hell would you ask me that?"

"You want Tyler and Reid to get married."

"And?" Vivian blinked at him, genuine confusion on her face as she looked to the rest of us for an explanation. "It's not like it isn't a reoccurring fantasy."

"They're both straight." Zac pointed out needlessly.

"Which just makes it that much sexier," Danielle pointed out reasonably. "That they would deny their desires for the opposite sex only for each other."

Even Alyssa went a little starry-eyed at the thought.

"Motherfucker," Zac breathed, gaping at the lot of us. "You're all a bunch of loons."

"Question," I broke in, blinking and shaking my head to refocus my scrambled thoughts. "If we do Plan C, does it have to be right away? I mean, love children are cute, but I'm not sure I'm legally allowed to reproduce. Daddy's lawyers haven't gotten back to me on that one. And my womb might already be spoken for…"

"Crazies," Zac shook his head at us. "Motherfuckin' lunatics."

"We'll negotiate the terms of your love-child custody after we get them hitched."

"How, exactly, are you planning on accomplishing that?" Alyssa asked, one eyebrow arched in genuine curiosity.

"I was thinking Rohypnol. I know a guy we can get it from cheap."

* * *

"I'm not touching you."

"O-_kay_," Reid stared at me for a long moment as I settled myself down in my seat in front of his.

He studied me carefully for a few long moments where I tried to have strictly platonic thoughts about him.

_Reid does charity work, _I told myself sagely.

_That's…abnormal,_ another part of me replied.

_Why? What's so strange about charity work?_ I thought back, confused.

_It's Reid, _the other voice replied dryly. _The only charity work he knows involves sex._

_So maybe he helps rehabilitate prostitutes, _I offered.

_Really?_ The doubt and derision were so thoroughly laced in my inner thoughts tone that I actually flushed with embarrassment.

_You are not helping matters, not even a little bit, _I snapped, irritated.

_I wasn't put on this earth to help you, _the voice replied drolly. _I was put here to annoy the shit out of you._

_And you do a very good job of it, _I sneered.

"You were having dirty thoughts again, weren't you?"

"Huh?" I blinked and turned around to face Reid, confused.

"About me? You were imagining me naked, weren't you?" Reid's grin was so self-satisfied I felt an immediate and near overwhelming surge of irritation.

"I've seen you naked," I informed him tersely. "I don't have to imagine anything."

"Ditto."

I flushed at the innuendo in his voice and turned around to face the front once more. Unfortunately the front consisted of an extremely boring continuation of another extremely boring lecture that I wasn't paying even the slightest bit of attention to, so I refocused my attention on something more important, namely what to do about Reid.

After about an hour of debating and drooling and Zac's abrupt and disgusted departure, we'd agreed that date-raping either Tyler or Reid was a Bad Idea and settled for trying to scrape together a Plan D…which wasn't scraping at all.

"Seriously," I muttered to myself out loud. "How hard is it to get two guys to sleep together?"

"No, Miss Deloras, that is not the correct answer but thank you for trying anyways."

"Huh?" I blinked stupidly at the professor. "There was a question? What kind of a question?"

"What caused Hitler to initiate the second World War," the kid sitting next to me muttered around the pen cap he was chewing on. "You just implied gayness. Nearly twenty-two million people died because of gayness. Congratulations – you just invented a new statistic for homophobia."

Fuck.

* * *

"We need to talk."

"Why?" I asked as Reid grabbed my elbow and tried to steer me in some direction or another.

"Because it's been nearly a week since I've kiss you."

"And?" I blinked up at him as he steered me into a Janitors closet. "You said I kissed like a dead fish."

"I never explicitly stated that," Reid wrapped his arms loosely around my waist as he smiled down at me. "And besides, I'm glad you suck at kissing."

"Really?" I couldn't keep the doubt from creeping into my voice.

"Really," Reid grinned as he leaned down so that our lips were almost pressing, his eyes on mine. "Because now I can be your kissing tutor."

"Tutor?"

"Mmm, hmm," Reid breathed, pulling me closer, his lips brushing against mine, his eyes half-lidded. "And Angel?"

"Yeah?" My own breath was shaky now and I had to fight the urge to tremble or whimper or some other godawful girly-girl reaction that he would undoubtedly use against me later.

"I'm a very hands on kind of teacher."

Oh.

_Oh man._

_

* * *

_

"I want equal rights to Reids body," I informed Vivian later that day. "No way can Tyler have that shit all to himself."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Vivian asked. "And where did you get that hickey?"

I straightened at that.

"There's a hickey?"

* * *

Reid was dead and I knew exactly how I was going to kill him.

"This is mean," Danielle pointed out as we sulked around the dorms. "Not to mention hot. Are these masks really necessary?"

"Yes," I hissed in reply, my voice muffled by the full on stocking cap mask thingy we were all wearing. "We're committing a potential felony – we have to hide our faces or we risk going to jail."

"What the fuck would they charge us with?" Vivian demanded to know crankily. "Petty theft?"

"Human cruelty," Alyssa replied and I jerked towards her in surprise.

"Seriously?"

"Maybe," Alyssa amended after a seconds thought.

"Well," I considered this for a moment before shrugging my shoulders. "I can always claim temporary insanity. It's worked before."

Strangely nobody said anything in response.

* * *

I had a dream.

In my dream I was dressed as one of the teletubbies – the gay one. Tyler was the other gay one, Pogue was the really gay one, and Reid was the only one that managed to look straight. And of course Caleb was the Sun.

Tyler was chasing me with his purse while Pogue was making out with the vacuum cleaner which was wearing a pair of Kate's heels and Reid was moving in counterpoint to Tyler.

I tried to run away from them – honestly, I did – but the suit was just so godawful to move in it felt like I was wrapped in a giant cocoon. Stumbling, I fell onto the floor just in time to trip Tyler, who fell on me with a painful thud that had me blinking my eyes open only to find myself flat on my back staring up at the ceiling to me and Alyssa's dorm.

"I think," I murmured out loud to nobody in particular. "That there is the slightest of possibilities that perhaps we went a little too far."

"I've already bought us matching gravestones," Alyssa replied from her bed.

"Really?" I sat up, intrigued. "Are they pretty?"

"They're custom made," Alyssa replied drowsily. "And pink."

I mulled this over for a moment as I climbed back into bed.

"Awesome," I finally stated, rolling onto my side and pulling my covers up over my head before poking back out. "You bought new locks for the door, right?"

"Better," Alyssa replied with a yawn as she rolled over and settled herself more comfortably in bed. "I bought a dog."

**A/N: **Is it wrong of me to ask for reviews from you?


	19. Ghettofabulous

A/N: So it's been a while (cue nervous laughter). So sorry...

My day started relatively normal enough – waking up to the screeching of Alyssa's alarm clock, bitching said alarm clock out when I realized Alyssa was already gone to the library, stubbing my toe and crashing into my Smirnoff tower, stumbling into the door, and landing on Alyssa's book filled bed…

I had bruises on body parts I didn't even know I had.

In a strange sort of textbook-coma induced fugue, I'd managed to meander my way out of my dorm room (three tries and two extra bruises on my head later) and all the way to the bathroom.

The showers were nice and steamy and I let out a heartfelt sigh as I breathed it all in before stumbling to the toilet.

Most of Spenser's dorm rooms came equipped with toilets and sinks and mirrors, your basic bathroom necessities, but I preferred the common rest rooms, especially since Alyssa had a 'System'. Last time I'd peed in our bathroom, she'd toilet papered my bed because I'd unrolled the roll in an improper manner.

So for safety sake (I nearly suffocated after accidentally inhaling when she'd shoved a wad in my mouth to further illustrate her ire), I peed in the main bathrooms.

Business done, I shoved the stall door open, stumbling forward to the sink, yawning widely, eyes half-closed as I washed and dried, dimly aware that the shower had turned off.

Footsteps had me turning, bleary eyed.

My first thought was '_Damn, __those __are __some __hairy__legs, __must __be __Duchess __Rodriguez.__'_

Duchess was the only girl in all of Spenser who refused to partake in the dehumanizing bathing rituals forced upon women by The Man. Which meant she didn't shave anything and never wore a bra.

The denizens and perverts of Spenser's were torn – on the one hand Duchess happened to have a great rack and believe quite firmly in sexual liberalism, but on the other hand more than one guy had come away from the experience saying it felt like fucking a dude with a vagina.

Frowning as my gaze traveled upwards, I wondered when Spenser's towels had gotten so damn long that they fell beneath the knee. And then I was wondering why it was wrapped around Duchess's waist and trying to avert my gaze from the bare skin of her rippling six-pack stomach…

Blinking, I frowned at that stomach. I'd seen Duchess naked in the locker-room before and I did not remember her being that ripped.

_Maybe __she__'__s __been__working __out, _my subconscious supplied, joining me in oogling as we sorted this puzzle out.

_I __know __that__chest, _I replied, concentrating as I swam through the fog of memories trying to locate the right one. _I__'__ve __been __pressed __up __against __that __chest._

_Reid?_ Too broad.

_Pogue?_ Not broad enough.

_Tyler?_ God I wish.

Three down, which left one…

"Angel," Caleb greeted me, running a hand over his freshly wetted hair and watching with no small amount of amusement as I totally swooned.

"God, you're gorgeous," I muttered, gaze locking in on his chest, interest peaking when I noticed something that looked suspiciously like a love bite on his left bicep.

"What are you doing in the boys locker-room, Angel?" Caleb continued on, his voice smooth like the best godddamn whiskey in the whole entire world. Idly I wondered how he would feel if I shoved my tongue down his throat to get a taste.

_Boyfriend,_my subconscious reminded me half-heartedly.

_Boys __locker-room, _a more with-the-program part of my brain supplied insistently.

"Uh, oh," I muttered, eyes widening just as the door behind me started to open.

_This __is __fantastic, _I thought to myself, turning towards the door in almost slow motion. _This __is __just __great__ – __exactly __what __I __need. __Not __only __am __I __weird, __but __I__'__m __now __a __pervert __who __sneaks __into __the __boys __locker-room __and __oogles._

Just what my reputation needed.

I was mentally praying that whoever passed through that door would be suddenly struck completely blind, but alas…

"Angel!"

Not blindness, but definitely the next best thing.

"Reggie!"

"Making new friends, I see?" Caleb turned towards the mirror, smoothing product through his hair as he arched an eyebrow in amusement.

I didn't have time to spare him a dirty look since I was too busy pushing Reggie out the door.

* * *

"What were you doing in the boys locker room?" Reggie asked, idly scratching at his unbelievably adorable bed head.

"Losing my mind," I replied because it was kind of the truth. "But that's not important."

Reggie nodded like he understood which was fantastic because his mouth was shut and I could talk over the nodding.

"Listen, I need you to do me a huge favor."

* * *

"Do you know what the female version of a peeping Tom is?" Vivian asked as she slid into the spot next to me at lunch.

"Chirping chastity?" I replied, stabbing through the peel of my orange with my thumb. I scrunched up my nose as a chuck of skin wedged its way under my thumbnail but decided to leave it there until the entire de-skinning process (also known as peeling) was finished.

"An oogling Angel," Vivian answered her own question, yanking the orange from my hand and pulling my hair with her free hand.

"Ouch!" I yelped, yanking my hair from her grip, scowling as I faced off against her own unhappy features.

"What did you do?"

"As your object of worship I reserve the right to not answer questions I feel could incriminate me in a negative manner," I replied, rubbing the sore spot on my scalp as I turned to make a go at the rest of my breakfast just in time to watch it disappear behind Vivian's back.

"Talk," she demanded.

"You suck."

Vivian growled – honest to god _growled_ at me.

"If you don't tell me what happened I'll visit upon you the absolute worst torture I can possibly think of."

I stared impassively up at her from the awkward angle my head was stuck at thanks to her grip.

"Please, bitch," I snorted. "You ain't got shit on me."

Famous.

Last.

Words.

* * *

"What the fuck did you do?" Vaguely – like seriously vaguely, 'echo-at-the-end-of-a-tunnel' vaguely, I could hear Alyssa yelling but, well.

Fuck that bitch, I was fucking _flying._

"Homie, hombre, dog, dawg, dude, dawg, Whasup?" I nodded my head, full on gangsta, at a passing Spenser's student, all swagger and awesome pimpness, so awesome the student actually stopped to stare for a moment before turning to look at my trailing possie.

"What the fuck, man?"

"Exactly," Alyssa reiterated and I turned to find her glaring at a rather dumbstruck Vivian. "What did you do to her?"

"What – I mean – how? Jesus," Vivian's hair was standing on end as she shook her head, completely gone-with-the-wind and brain-wiped by space aliens. "Red Bull…"

"You gave her _RED __BULL?_!" Alyssa's shriek was so loud it could have been heard in China.

"Dude, totally harshing my mellow. Word." I shook my head, deciding to blow this particular popsicle stand. Bitches were crazy and I wanted something more enjoyable to occupy my time with.

As if cued, Reid chose that moment to round the corner, Tyler and Caleb in tow with Pogue and Kate trailing.

"Good God," Pogue stopped dead at the sigh of me, pulling Kate to a halt next to him. "What the hell is that?"

"Angel?" Tyler blinked a couple of times before shaking his head and blinking some more.

"What the fuck, man?" Reid glanced behind me to where Alyssa and Vivian stood. "What the hell did you do to my girlfriend?"

"RED BULL!" Vivian shouted so loudly that all four of the sons actually took a giant step backwards. "She's psychotic! Who reacts like this? Seriously? WHO?"

"Chillax, girl," I rolled my eyes. "We cool. Word?"

"Stop saying that," Vivian was back to dead-eyed and dumbstruck. "I don't even know what you're talking about."

"But you get what I'm saying, right? Word."

"I don't understand you," Vivian stated very slowly and purposely. "Speak English."

"Yo, girl, this shit is whack. Why you gotta be all up in my business. Ya hear? Word, dude. Harsh."

"I don't understand her, I don't fucking understand her." A lone tear slid down the side of Vivian's face as she turned to look at Alyssa. "How did this happen?"

"You gave her a toxic substance," Alyssa calmly explained, awkwardly patting Vivian on the back as she eyed me speculatively. "This is Angel's bodies way of rejecting it."

"But why isn't she speaking English anymore?" Vivian sobbed.

"Bitch be trippin'," was my helpful contribution to their conversation before I turned my attention back to more interesting sights.

"Yo, homie-G, what's hanging?" I pimp-walked to where Reid was standing, eyeing me with a strange glint that bespoke of some foreign emotion I was in no state to identify. "You lookin' fine tonight."

"It's eleven o'clock, Angel," Alyssa corrected from somewhere behind me. "In the morning."

"Whatever, girl. Just let me work my magic."

"What the hell is that?" Kate stated flatly from where she was protectively hidden behind Pogue.

"Space alien," was Reid's helpful reply. "And obviously humans are the more intelligent species."

"Why you gotta be like that, boy?" I murmured, reaching out to touch Reid's shoulder, peering up at him from the fringe of my bangs. "I was thinkin' you and me could head back to my crib and get our freak on."

"You mean you're not already wearing it?" Pogue murmured sarcastically.

"Dude," Reid grinned widely. "You're fucking wasted."

"Motherfucker," I replied cheerful. "Shut the fuck up before I bust a cap in your ass."

"From a pop bottle, right?" I nodded enthusiastically as Reid's grin stretched ear to ear.

"And when we get our freak on, what will we be doing?"

"Listenin' to Rick James, bitch."

"Fantastic," Reid shook his head even as I picked up the distinctive sound of Tyler choking on his laughter.

"And your crib? Where's that?"

"Don't know," I chirped. "But I'm sure there's a Baby's R' Us somewhere around here."

"Oh my God," Kate sounded absolutely horrified. "She's….she's…."

"White," Caleb supplied. "Glowing, fluorescent, neon-fucking-white. Jesus."

"Is my homeboy!" I slapped Reid on the back. "He trims my bushes."

"Oh no," Kate shook her head, stepping back and pulling Pogue with her. "No, no, no. I am _not_ sticking around. That's some serious wrath of God blasphemy."

"She's fried," Caleb protested as Kate and Pogue disappeared back around the corner. "God will forgive her."

"She's adorable," Reid stated out of nowhere. "Isn't she, Tyler?"

"Ho!" I smiled as I turned to face Tyler. "Damn you're a pretty bitch."

"Excuse me?" Tyler choked as Caleb let out a startled bark of laughter from somewhere behind me.

"Bitch be trippin' over your fine ass," I replied.

"I'm sorry," Tyler shook his head in amused annoyance as he stared down at me. "I don't speak crazy."

"Dude, she thinks you're hot," Reid translated.

"You the ho," I nodded sagely.

"Gee, thanks?" Tyler blinked once before shaking his head and glancing over at Reid. "Better you than me, man."

"Bitch, don't be hatin' on my man!" I bum rushed Tyler so fast he only had time to step completely out of the way and sending me sprawling flat onto the pavement.

"Owww…."

"What the fuck, dude?" Reid protested mildly. "Least you could have done was shove her in the grass or something."

"Grass is the last thing she needs right now," Tyler replied somewhere above me.

"Roll me a fat one," I moaned, rolling over onto my back and staring up at the pretty stars now circling my head. "I just got smacked good."

"Ice pack?" Reid translated, crouching over me with a grin.

"Word."

"It never stops," Vivian sobbed. "Oh God, it _never__fucking__stops._"

* * *

I woke up with a serious case of dry mouth and a complete blank of the entire day before.

"What did I do?" I asked Alyssa the second I regained enough of my faculties to speak.

"You re-enforced several stereotypes and proved that aliens should look elsewhere for intelligent life," was Alyssa's concise reply. "And you called Tyler a ho."

"Oh." I pondered this thought for several moments.

"I don't suppose it was in a holiday related form, was it?"

"Not even close."

I closed my eyes and fell back against the pillow with a sigh.

"Fuck."

* * *

"I am so sorry," Vivian apologized for the umpteenth time.

"We're cool," I informed her for my umpteenth time feeling hungover and cranky. "I don't remember anything at all so I have nothing to blame you for."

"Yes, but you pimp walked and it was psychologically scarring and now there are hate groups and I am so sorry, Angel."

I shrugged my shoulders apathetically.

"Shit happens. And as long as nobodies dead, we have nothing to worry about."

"Hey there, sweet thing," Reid murmured, sitting down next to me and brushing a kiss against my cheek. "I have to say, thanks for last night."

That had me straightening in alarm.

"Last night? What happened last night?" Vivian edged ever-so-slightly away from me.

"You don't remember?" Reid blinked his baby blues my way. "You invited me back to your crib to get our freak on."

"I did?" Cue the end-of-the-tunnel echo.

"And we rolled a fat one and you tripped over someone's fine ass." I stared at Reid.

"I groped you?" Reid's smile widened.

"You don't remember last night at all? Baby, I'm hurt."

"We didn't…." I trailed off, feeling a sudden wave of alarm.

"We made memories last night, babe. Memories I will cherish for the rest of my life."

"Oh." I pondered this for all of five seconds before turning my attention to the source of my current woes.

"You said I was forgiven," Vivian held her hands in front of her to ward me off. "You said I had nothing to worry about!"

I cocked my head to the side and just like that Vivian was gone – running like the hounds of hell were hot on her heels which was a pretty close estimate to the truth as I took off over the table after her stupidass ass.

"I'm going to kill you! Bitch, stop running! _**Bitch stop runnin'**!_"

A/N: I left a two paragraph depressing note on my profile as to why it's been so long since I've updated. I'm really sorry guys...


	20. Boys and Booze

**A/N: **I had a good night tonight. I went to a party where there wasn't any alcohol but a lot of cute Korean boys and balloons. No DBSK, but still – ninja'd the ass off those balloons with my awesome powers of three inch heels. Fear me!

I didn't catch Vivian, mostly because she has much longer legs than I do and was very highly motivated to use them. I did, however, run into Alyssa.

"Oh fucking hell, ow," I muttered, watching the stars circle my head from my position somewhere perilously close to hell.

"I can't feel my head," Alyssa murmured from the other side of the hall where she'd bounced after our high speed impact. "Is it still attached?"

I heard her moving but couldn't muster up the energy to do anything other than listen.

"Zac?" I heard Alyssa's plaintive plea. "Can you help me find my head? I think I lost it."

"You didn't lose it," Zac's patient voice entered my field of hearing. "You just had a bit of a run in with Angel."

"But it's still attached, right? Because Angel likes to take things that aren't."

"Your head is still fully connected with the rest of your body," Zac reassured her.

"And my brain? It didn't go anywhere, did it?"

"Jury's still out on that one," Zac chirped. I could hear him helping Alyssa to her feet and waited patiently until their two heads appeared above me in my line of sight.

"What did I do last night?" I asked Alyssa. "Seriously, cause Reid says we made memories and if we had sex, I want to know about it."

"You didn't have sex," Alyssa promised as she bent down and hauled me up by the armpit, Zac echoing the gesture on my opposite side. "You spent the entire afternoon detoxing in the dorm."

"I smoked weed?" I blinked in surprise.

"No, you drank Red Bull."

"Who the hell gave me Red Bull?" I asked, horrified. Red Bull was disgusting and vial and absolutely toxic to weirdo's like me. If I was superman, Red Bull would be my green kryptonite.

"Vivian," Alyssa and Zac replied at the same time. I pondered this for a few seconds before scowling.

"Bitch is going down."

* * *

Reid found me at some point in time during the day which was great because I'd been wandering the hallways for hours looking for Vivian and had somehow managed to become completely lost.

"You skipped all your classes today, bad girl," Reid tsked, hooking an arm over my shoulder as I blinked at him.

"Have you seen Vivian?" I asked, my mind caught in a one way zone.

"Forget Vivian, I have a better idea."

"Never," I informed him haughtily. "That bitch tried to kill me and for that she must die."

"I have alcohol," Reid replied.

"What was your idea again?"

* * *

Reid's idea was a party which I thought was a great idea until we arrived and Reid disappeared. Normally I wouldn't care very much if Reid disappeared on me – he was the type of boyfriend who was mostly better at a distance and only good close up when he was kissing me.

No, Reid didn't just vanish and leave me to my own devices – he left me with Tyler.

"So," Tyler started the conversation by draping his arm over my shoulder. "You think I'm pretty."

I eyed Tyler carefully out of the corner of my eye as I pondered my response.

"Yes?" I finally ventured because – hey – Baby Boy already knew I was stalking him. Why not get the whole truth out there?

Except for the shirts. No need for Tyler to know about the homoerotic fantasies the majority of Spenser's female population had about him and Reid.

"You called me a ho," Tyler breathed into my ear, sending shivers down my spine that I tried to get away from but, alas, Tyler's grip was hard enough not only to keep my spine in place, but the rest of me as well.

"I was feeling festive," I replied with an edge of panic in my voice, trying frantically to think of a way out of this.

_This __is __why __I __have __a __posse,_ I reminded myself, cursing my stupidity. _And __this __is __also __why __I __have __a __cult._

But what was the point in having a cult if they didn't kill people for you? Not that I wanted Tyler dead, but I wasn't opposed to civilian casualties if it meant I could get the fuck away from him. Already my brain cells were drifting off into la-la land and it was so hard to focus on the questions that my responses were next to impossible to filter.

"Is your hair naturally red?" Tyler switched things up on me, curling a strand of my hair around his finger and giving it a gentle tug as he breathed across my neck.

"Gah," was my intelligent response as my eyes crossed. I caught sight of Tyler's self-satisfied smirk and felt a small kick of feminine ire but I was stuck under the hypnotizing thrall that was Tyler Simms so the most I could do was wrinkle my nose at him.

"Cute," he stated, touching the tip of my nose with his fingers and that was it. I was gone, like a light switch flicked off my brain ceased functioning.

* * *

"Awww," was the first thing I heard when I came back to myself. I blinked once, fighting back a curse when I felt how dry my eyes were.

"It's okay, Angel," Kate was saying, rubbing soothing circles around my back. "I'll protect you from the big bad Tyler."

"I didn't do anything," Tyler was protesting somewhere off to my right. And fuck it if that bastard wasn't laughing even as he said it.

I regained enough of my faculties to turn and glare in his direction.

"You!" I declared, pointing my finger violently enough to feel the twinge all up and down my arm.

"Yes?" Tyler grinned at me, red beer cup in hand as his eyes danced with absolute delight.

"You do not touch me!" I swore, lurching to my feet and grabbing that cup with a high level of coordination that I didn't think I was even capable of.

"Ever!" I punctuated that declaration by ramming my shin into a coffee table in my haste to get away, stumbling about five steps before I regained my balance, and walking with what little dignity I had away from Tyler.

"Whatever you say, honey."

_Bam._

* * *

"Godamnit, I'm so fucking screwed," I muttered the second I regained consciousness to find Kate hovering over me with Alyssa at one shoulder and Vivian at the other. "Where's Tyler?"

"Pogue took him out back," Kate replied, her lips trembling slightly as she spoke. "And I told him not to bring him back in until we got you out of here."

"What happened?" Vivian asked as Alyssa and Kate hauled me to my feet.

"I don't know," I replied, rubbing the back of my head with a wince. Too many head-on-hard-surface impacts today. I needed alcohol.

"Where's the booze?"

"Angel went comatose after Tyler called her honey," Kate informed Alyssa and Vivian as they followed me through the crowd.

"Is that normal?" Vivian asked Alyssa.

"It's a new development," Alyssa informed her. "It could be normal but without further testing it's impossible to say outright."

"Where's Reid?" was Vivian's next question.

"Dead," I replied, giving up on finding the source of the booze and stealing a cup from a nearby unconscious person.

"You killed him?" Vivian's voice sort of screeched at the end, sending unpleasant shockwaves through my skull that I tried to drown in alcohol.

"This booze sucks," I muttered once I'd down the last of it. "Where's the good stuff?"

"Angel!" Vivian screeched again.

"What?" I snarled, turning on her, eyes narrowing. "Oh don't worry. I haven't forgotten. I'll get to you later."

"Me?" Vivian squeaked. "Oh God. First Reid now me? What did I ever do to you? What did _he _ever do to you?"

"Goddamn virgins," I muttered, referring to the drink I'd just stolen from another person. Honestly, who didn't put alcohol in their drink at a party? "What kind of pussy are you?"

"_Excuse __me?_"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Booze." I turned to seek out my next target but was sidetracked by Pogue.

"Pogue!" Kate blinked in surprise at her boyfriends sudden appearance. "What are you doing here? Where's Tyler?"

"He disappeared," Pogue replied nonchalantly, placing a drink in my hand as his girlfriend gaped at him.

"How could he have disappeared if you were watching him?" She asked sounding exasperated.

"Magic," was Pogue's dry reply as he tapped the cup in my hand. "Drink up. This is the good stuff."

I drank and then I swore because shit if he wasn't right.

* * *

I was severely inebriated when I ran into Caleb. And by severely I mean happily drunk. And by ran into I meant 'Jumped-on-his-pack-and-clung-like-a-leech'.

"Spider monkey!" I exclaimed gleefully, wrapping my legs around his waist and shoving my nose into his clavicle. I inhaled deeply and exhaled on a sigh.

"Hello Angel," Caleb greeted me with a half smile. "I see you're feeling better."

"I feel great," I chirped.

"I can tell."

"Hey, hey – Caleb. Caleb." I poked him in the shoulder to get his attention, completely ignoring the fact that he was already looking at me.

"Yes Angel?" I grinned.

"Do you know where my boyfriend is? Because I don't!" I sing-songed the last part, bursting out into giggles that I muffled against Caleb's neck.

He shifted underneath my grip and I had one of those vertigo moments where the world tilted in ways it wasn't naturally capable of.

"Ohhhh," I breathed, laughing as the world did it again.

"Angel." Caleb sounded slightly uncomfortable as he addressed me. "Would you mind getting off of me?"

"Not at all," I replied, clinging tightly. "I'd love to get you off."

"Oh, good lord," I heard somebody mutter in the background but I was too sloshed to care.

"Dude," I heard somebody else say. "I'd tap that ass."

"Dude," I replied, breathing on Caleb's neck some more. "I'm not a keyboard."

"Huh?"

"Or a waxed floor."

"Is that code for something?" Somebody else asked. "Like a waxed floor means she shaves down there and a keyboard means she doesn't?"

"Why would a keyboard equate to pubic hair?" A whole new person stated.

"How the fuck should I know? Do I look psychotic to you?"

"Angel's not psychotic," somebody defended me. "She's a fucking loon."

"Fucking loon," I agreed with a snort, laughing as Caleb shifted again.

"Problems, buddy?"

"Reid!" I dropped effortlessly from Caleb's back, turning towards my new target just as logic caught up with me.

"I'm not talking to you," I decided with a pout, jumping back towards Caleb only to let out a surprised grunt when I hit Pogue instead.

"Hi there," Pogue greeted me with a smile.

"I love your pec," I told him, drooling on the left one just to make my position more clear. "It's _so __dreamy.__"_

"Thanks. I'll make sure to tell Kate that."

"Mmmmm," I agreed, sighing a little bit. "Your chest is _so_ warm."

"Angel," Reid's voice was an unwelcome intrusion in my muscle induced haze.

"Shhh," I held up a finger in the general vicinity of behind me and out of my line of sight, connecting with flesh and assuming it was somebodies lips.

"No talking. Don't ruin this moment."

"I didn't say anything," Tyler stated from behind me. "And why are you poking my nose?"

Fuck.

* * *

Tyler had conveniently disappeared after I'd screamed bloody murder and collapsed into a (fake) pile of goo, prompting Kate to come barreling to my rescue, wrestling a dumbfounded Tyler down the stairs and leaving me in the more than capable arms of her boyfriend.

"Is he gone?" I asked, opening one eye to stare up at Pogue.

"You're fucking crazy," was his declaration as he unceremoniously dropped me back to the ground. "I'm getting some nachos."

"Asshole!" I yelled after him, feeling a vague throb beginning in my head that signaled, obviously, that I hadn't had enough to drink.

"Where's the vodka?"

* * *

I found Caleb again through sheer persistence, settling myself down on the coffee table, head in hands as I watched some blonde chick try to retrieve Caleb's tonsils through his ear.

"Doesn't that tickle?" I asked Caleb as the blonde gave his ear another long lick.

"Little bit," he replied with a faint smile.

"Doesn't that taste bad?" I asked the blonde next but she was otherwise preoccupied so I went back to Caleb.

"You're very tall," I informed him because it was a compliment and people liked compliments. Plus Caleb was nice and I liked being nice to nice people who were nice to me in return.

"You're short," was his blunt rejoinder. I made a face.

"I have red hair," I agreed. "Caleb!"

"Angel," Caleb seemed nonplussed by my sudden rise in volume or by the fact that the blonde was now biting his ear in addition to licking.

"Somebody asked me if the carpets matched the drapes," I stated. "And I don't understand. What's a drape?"

"A curtain," Caleb replied.

"Well why didn't they just say so?" I rolled my eyes. "Stupid English language and their stupid complex words. And why wouldn't the carpet match the curtains?"

I peered around the room. "This is some high class shit right here – full on interior design. Of course the carpets match the drapes! Everything matches in here!"

Caleb smiled at me.

"That's not what they met," he informed me with a hint of laughter in his voice.

"Then what the fuck were they talking about?" I asked, feeling exasperated. "Honestly, people. I have a hard enough time keeping things straight – stop confusing me with the metaphors."

"They were asking about your downstairs." I stared blankly at Caleb. "Your crotch," he further clarified.

I stared some more.

"They want to know if your crotch is the same color as your hair," he finished with a laugh.

"What, like the skin?" I opened my mouth to make it clear how dumb of an expectation that was when the blonde did something neither Caleb nor I had been expecting.

She growled – like full on cat growled – and then proceeded to engage in some weird animalistic grunting that had Caleb jerking his ear out the grip of her teeth while I stared in complete and utter fascination.

"Do you practice that noise or does it just come naturally to you?"

* * *

Caleb dragged me away from the blonde by agreeing to let me piggy-back all the way to the next booze cruise.

"Here," he stated, thrusting a shot glass into my hand. "It's –"

"Done." I handed the empty shot glass back to him with a goofy smile, not caring about what was in it. "Ohhh, tingly."

I sighed again, resting my head against Caleb's back and sighing again.

"Jesus Christ, would you stop that?" Caleb demanded as his footsteps faltered slightly.

"Stop what?" I asked, humming against the nape of his neck. "You smell soooo _good._"

"Fuck."

* * *

"I'm so drunk," I informed Caleb from my position in the middle of the bed.

"You have the worst timing I've ever seen in a woman," Caleb replied from where he lay next to me.

"Is the ceiling supposed to be spinning?" I asked.

"First Tyler, then Reid, and now me. Pogue's so fucking lucky he has a girlfriend."

"Wow," I stared in fascination. "I think my skin changed colors. Do I look blue to you?"

I thrust my hand in Caleb's general direction.

"Fucking insane," Caleb decided, grabbing my hand to stop it's flailing in front of his face.

"That's me!" I agreed chipperly.

"How the fuck do you do it?" Caleb asked, shifting on the bed and prompting me to turn my head to look at him.

"Do what?"

"Find it," Caleb replied, still holding my hand.

"Find what?" I asked, rolling onto my side to face him, suddenly feeling excited again. "Oh, is this like a treasure hunt? Do I have to find something again?"

"Yeah," Caleb agreed on a sigh. "My sanity. You made me lose it."

"Ooohhhh….a challenge," I sat up with a deranged smile. "I love challenges! Come 'ere!"

"Angel," Caleb warned but I used what little body weight and upper muscle strength that I had to wrestle him to his stomach.

"Is it here?" I asked, shoving Caleb's shirt up to reveal the small of his back.

"No," Caleb replied, voice muffled slightly by the pillow.

"Is it here?" I asked, pushing his shirt higher and patting the middle of his shoulder blades.

"Nope," Caleb replied, letting out a small sigh. "Higher."

I frowned at him.

"No cheating," I informed his starchly.

"I'm not cheating," Caleb stated. "You are."

"Well, then, I'd better stop, shouldn't I?"

I patted Caleb's back a few more times, my train of thought completely lost at the sight of his smooth, muscular triceps or biceps or deltoids or whatever the fuck they were called. Giving up on every finding my thought again I let myself fall forward until my nose was once more buried against Caleb's neck, inhaling deeply before exhaling with a happy sigh.

"Oh God, _there_! **_Right there_**!"

* * *

"I'd ask what the hell is going on," Reid's voice woke me up the next morning. "But considering I just got about a years worth a blackmail material…hell, I still want to know how this happened."

"I was drunk," I replied, shifting the arm that was slung over my face slightly downward to look over at Reid. "What are you talking about, again?"

"You and Caleb." I stared blankly at Reid.

"Me and Caleb what?"

"You're sharing a bed." I blinked.

"We fell asleep on a bed," I agreed. "Is this somehow significant?"

"Normally, not really. But I'm curious."

"About?" I prompted.

"Where the fuck are your clothes?"

**A/N: **It only seems like I've been drinking. In actuality I'm just bored. And thankfully lacking the means to do any of this shit myself. I'm actually drinking green tea as I'm writing this. Kickass, right?


	21. Candy Coated Hearts and Anal Probing

"Reid," Caleb's voice was the first thing I heard after that gawdawful statement.

"I'm naked?" Was the first thing I said after that gawdawful statement. I raised the sheet slightly, staring down at all the familiar bits and pieces and then staring at the unfamiliar bits as I gaped at naked Caleb.

"You're naked," I muttered, not lifting my gaze from the nirvana before me because, seriously, first time I'd seen a naked guy up close and Caleb was blowing my expectations out of the water. "Is it supposed to look like that?"

"Look like what?" Caleb diverted from whatever he was trying to say to Reid to lift the sheet and peer right along with me. He anxiously examined his bait and tackle before raising his gaze to look at me.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing," I replied, chewing slightly on my bottom lip as I craned my head to get a different angle. "I'm just not used to it being so…"

"Close? Naked? Real?" Reid supplied, sounding kind of annoyed in the world beyond the sheets.

"Flat," I replied bluntly, raising my gaze to look over at Caleb who appeared to be utterly gobsmacked by my declaration. "Isn't it supposed to be doing something?"

"Like what?" Caleb asked, looking at me like I was some sort of evil creature. "Sit up and dance on command?"

"For starters," I agreed, turning to look some more only to be jerked from my curiosities by a new voice.

"Hey Reid, I checked out the barn but Caleb wasn't there because Caleb's here," Tyler finished, blinking in surprise at the eldest son. "And why is Caleb here?"

Reid shrugged his shoulders.

"The bigger question is why are they naked," he supplied, causing Tyler's head to whip around as his gaze fixated on me.

"You're naked? Let me see."

"NO!" I yelled that part, already on the move, tearing the sheet from Caleb's grip and wrapping it around me as best I could while trying to move backwards and away from a slightly too cheerful Tyler.

"You stay away from me or I'll…" I trailed off as Tyler's lips quirked upwards in an inappropriate smile.

"What's the big deal?" he stated, obediently halting his forward motion as he shoved his hands in his pockets and did one of those slow up and down scans that meant a guy was seriously checking you out and seriously picturing you naked. "I've already seen everything there is to see."

"Please," I managed, flushing in embarrassment. "I was only naked for like a millisecond."

"And what a millisecond it was," Reid interrupted sarcastically, drawing all eyes back his way. "But can we get back to the matter at hand. Why were you naked in bed with my girlfriend?"

"Oh, so now I'm your girlfriend," I butted right back into the conversation. "That's rich considering you completely _abandoned _me last night."

"I didn't abandon you," Reid replied patiently. "I just wasn't glued to your side."

"You disappeared," I shot back.

"No, Tyler disappeared." Tyler's lips quirked again. "I simply found somewhere else to be."

"You're supposed to be my boyfriend," I narrowed my eyes in what I was hoping was an expression of righteous fury. "And you intentionally left me with him!"

I used the one hand not gripping sheets to point at Tyler.

"What's wrong with Tyler?" Reid asked, arching an eyebrow in silent challenge.

"_Everything!"_ I screeched, almost reaching out to strangle Reid, only the fact that I had to have one hand on the sheet keeping me in line. Strangling people with what minimal upper body strength I had was hard enough with two hands – I couldn't even imagine how difficult it would be with just one.

"Ugh!" I screeched, stomping my foot in what was genuine fury now. "You suck as a boyfriend!"

"And again," Reid settled backwards, legs crossed in front of him as he smirked over at me. "I ask what's wrong with Tyler? Why shouldn't I leave you with my best friend? Do you have a problem with him?"

"He makes me stupid," I replied, not thinking. "My brain shuts down and the world goes foggy and I drool and I hate drooling! It's disgusting and impossible to look attractive when you're doing it."

"I think it's adorable," Tyler interrupted.

_Aw, crap._

"You think I'm adorable?" I felt the steam go out of my sails as Tyler smiled at me, my brain sighing as that now familiar fog seemed to drift over my reasoning centers and I stared, doe-eyed and stupid at him.

"Hey," Reid interrupted. "I'm sitting right here, you know."

"Oh. Right. Boyfriend." I blinked out my haze, turning towards Reid feeling guilty and grateful at the same time. Guilty because, duh, he was my actual boyfriend and relieved because his voice drew me out of my Tyler-induced funk.

"What were we talking about again?"

"You, naked, Caleb – go," Reid sat back and waited for me to come up with a logical, sane, and complete rational explanation for this odd turn of events.

"No clue," I replied with a shrug of my shoulders. "But I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex."

"How sure?" Reid asked, expression unreadable. I shot him a look.

"Like next to one hundred and a thousand percent sure."

"I second that," Caleb replied, holding up a hand and prompting me to turn my attention back to him.

"You found pants," I noted, unable to keep a wistful sigh from punctuating that statement. "Pity."

Tyler snorted at that while both Caleb and Reid wisely ignored me.

"It was an accident," Caleb was explaining as he grabbed a shirt from the same place the pants had apparently been located. But…I squinted my eyes.

Yep. Those definitely were not the pants he'd been wearing the night before. Maybe Reid carried spares?

My gaze shifted to my boyfriend in open speculation.

"Given the givens, I'd still like to know how you accidentally ended up in bed, naked, with my girlfriend."

Caleb looked so genuinely uncomfortable in that moment that I opened my mouth to try and offer a plausible explanation only to draw a complete blank.

"I think I was drunk," I decided with a decisive nod of my head. "Yeah, definitely drunk."

"We were both drunk," Caleb supplied.

"And this is how a lot of break up stories begin," Reid inserted, causing me to blink in surprise.

"You're breaking up with me? Why?" Reid arched his eyebrows in disbelief, giving me the up and down and reminding me, again, of the fact that I was currently naked.

"Right, totally justified," I agreed. "But if we break up, does that mean we can't kiss anymore?"

I blinked my eyes hopefully. Reid was my first actual boyfriend and I had to honestly admit that while my expectations of what a first boyfriend would be like weren't actually that high, he really wasn't the boyfriend type.

"I'm not breaking up with you," Reid stated, interrupting me. I sighed at that and he shot me a suspicious look, cuing the bambi eyes once more.

"Back to the topic at hand," Tyler interrupted before Reid could say anything else to me. "How did the two of you end up in bed together?"

"Alcohol," Caleb replied grimly. "And Angel's knack for finding weak points in people."

"Weak points?" I blinked in confusion while Tyler's eyebrows skyrocketed and Reid let out a low whistle.

"Impressive. She got you…" Reid made a motion towards his back and Caleb nodded grimly.

"Damn," Tyler turned his gaze to me, a new appreciation in his eyes that had me regarding him with open suspicion.

"In that case," Reid got to his feet. "I'll be taking back custody of my girlfriend now if that's okay with you."

"By all means," Caleb made a brusque motion towards the door. "Take her."

"Gee," I narrowed my eyes, taking offense to his tone. "What a pleasant good-bye."

Caleb gave me a dark look in response.

"What? It's not like I emasculated you or anything."

"No, you only insulted a man's most prized possession," Tyler snorted at Reid's dry tone, and I managed to shoot him a dirty look only because his gaze wasn't focused on me.

"Come on, Angel," Reid reached out to touch me, his hands coming in contact with the bare skin of my shoulder and sending a jolt through my entire body at the realization that I was still naked.

"Where the fuck are my clothes?"

* * *

Fifteen minutes later I was wearing somebody's clothes, curled up in the corner of the backseat of Tyler's hummer as I tried desperately not to touch the boy in question.

"You have very nice shoulders," he murmured, eliciting a sharp snort from the front seat as I curled up even more and struggled not to give in to the urge to look at him.

"I didn't realize how soft your skin looked," he continued on. "I bet it's smooth to the touch, like silk."

I swallowed and kept my gaze fixated on the passing scenery.

"I wonder if you're that silky all over."

"Enough!" I sort of eeped, jerking around to give Tyler my best version of the crazy eyes. "What the hell are you trying to do to me?"

Tyler grinned unrepentedly.

"I told you, I think it's cute when you drool."

I narrowed my gaze at him, genuine annoyance rising when I heard a choked laugh emerging from the drivers seat.

"You're a bastard," I informed Reid, sulking as I turned my attention back to the window. "Making me sit back here with him."

"Consider it your just rewards for waking up naked next to one of my best friends."

"It was an accident!" Both Caleb and I protested at the same time.

* * *

A bad idea being a bad idea, I decided it was in my best interest not to taunt Reid for a week or two, mostly on account of the fact that he now knew my complete and utter inability to defend myself against his best friend.

"You haven't done anything crazy in a while," Reid commented one night while we were studying in the dorms.

"I'm trying something knew," I replied, glancing up from my book over at him. He arched an eyebrow, silently inviting me to continue. "It's called self-preservation."

He snorted at that.

"Angel, honey, I'm pretty sure that gene skipped out on you a long time ago."

I shrugged my shoulders agreeably. "Yes, but I still have residual effects sometimes."

"Well," Reid replied, rising from my desk chair to give me a smoldering look as he leaned over til he was in my face. "I for one hope the effects wear off soon."

"Why?" I breathed, genuinely flustered at his sudden and alarming nearness.

"I'm getting bored," Reid reached up and tugged at a strand of my hair. "I want my reckless little Angel back."

My eyes narrowed as a small spark of righteous annoyance flashed through me.

"Who you calling little, blondie?"

* * *

"What happened?" Alyssa pounced on me the second I returned from the ER. "Did you hit him and he retaliated? Is he dead? Has he been seriously wounded enough to crawl off into the woods somewhere? We can go find him and finish him off now, if you'd like – no witnesses."

Alyssa's wide-eyed fervor was making me dizzy so I held nothing back when I punched her in the shoulder.

"Oww!" She yelped, glaring at me as she rubbed her shoulder with a pout. "So he's obviously not dead if that's how you punch people. Unless you kicked him in the groin."

"Reid had nothing to do with this," I replied, holding up my broken arm. "I'm pretty sure it was Karma."

"Who's that?" Alyssa jumped on it. "Is she a knew student? How dare she touch you! I'll –"

"Take a chill pill," I was secretly thrilled that Alyssa was still one of my loyal drones, but I was getting kind of tired of the random babble. It had been a long day.

"Karma, Destiny, Fate," I continued on. "They ganged up on me."

Alyssa blinked.

"Why?" She finally asked. "You haven't been pranking people based on their names again, have you?"

"For God's sake," I threw my hands up in exasperation, wincing as I jarred my broken arm. "That was one time!"

"Ronald McDonald did not appreciate it," Alyssa reminded me, the tightness of her lips also reminding me that in addition to Ronald not particularly appreciating my attempt at humor by sneaking into his dorm in the middle of the night and super gluing a red wig and big red nose to his head while stealing every pair of shoes he had so he was forced to walk around in the huge red clown shoes that mysteriously appeared in his closet, Alyssa had not appreciated it either. First, because she hadn't been consulted when I'd executed that particular brand of genius and second because Ronald had retaliated by filling out dorm, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with Big Macs and Fries.

Alyssa really hated fast food and to this day she still swore that her bedsheets smelled like French fries despite the fact that she'd bought a new bed frame, new mattress, and new sheets.

"It kismet," I broke in, "You know, the higher power guiding us all on our paths of destiny?"

Alyssa stared at me blankly.

"I don't believe in God," she finally stated. "You're not trying to tell me God did this to you? Cause if he did, I'll kill him myself."

I gave up, flopping down onto my bed and sighing as I stared up at the ceiling.

"So what happened?" Alyssa finally asked, duly giving my moment to wallow before subtly reminding me that as my chief minion and best friend, it was my duty to inform of her the events preceeding up to the unfortunate incident.

"Well, it all started after Reid left, I went to the café to get some food, and Tyler was there."

"Tyler broke your arm?" Alyssa perked up. "Can I kill him?"

"No," I replied, somewhat reluctantly, mostly because while Tyler hadn't broken my arm, he'd been a key factor in how I'd broken my arm.

Namely, when I'd seen him, I'd turned right around and ran smack in the wall, forgetting which side door I had entered through. Bouncing backwards, I'd stumbling into somebody who'd promptly dropped their whole tray, which seem to include every liquid known to man, on the ground. I'd deftly stepped around it, just barely managing to keep from slipping.

I'd been leaning, one arm against the wall, trying to get my breath back when I'd looked up and seen Tyler watching me with a knowing smirk.

And then some moron slammed the door open right onto my arm and I screamed bloody murder right before sending his nuts to kingdom come.

The paramedics had wisely taken him to a different hospital and Daddy's lawyers had already drafted a legal plan to keep from being sued, mostly on account of the fact that I had been seriously injured and in pain at the time of the incident.

"So how broken is it?" Alyssa asked, giving the cast a curious poke.

"Fractured," I replied, giving the cast a blasé stare. "May take about six to seven weeks for it to heal fully."

"It's," Alyssa poked at the cast again, her lip curling slightly in distaste. "Orange. Why is it orange?"

I shrugged my shoulders pragmatically.

"I was making bad knock knock jokes at the doctor was feeling vindictive." I couldn't fault the man in the least – in his position I would have done the exact same thing. Only I would have super glued neon pink polka dots on it as well.

"You need a makeover," Alyssa decided, pulling me to my feet and heading for the door. "The cast totally clashes with your hair color."

"You're not going to break my other arm, are you?" I asked, feeling nervous all of the sudden. "Cause I'd prefer you didn't."

Alyssa gave me a confused look as she opened out dorm door and ushered me out into the hall.

"Why would I do that? How would you take notes for tests if both your arms were broken?" True Alyssa logic.

"Besides," she smiled in a charming manner that sent chills of terror trembling down my spine. "What I have in mind is a much simpler solution."

"It doesn't involve a hacksaw, does it?" I asked, giving my broken arm a nervous look. "Because we've been down this road before and I don't want to go back to the psych ward. It sucked the first time, I doubt it's improved much since."

"It was an accident," Alyssa waved off my concern, happily ushering me down the hall. "How were we supposed to know hacksaw's and jet fuel don't mix?"

It was a valid point – there was no logical reason to assume that one tiny little hacksaw could blow up a parking lot.

"No," Alyssa shook her head, still smiling as she ushered me out the door. "This is the perfect idea."

* * *

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, counted to ten and stared some more before closing my eyes and praying God would just kill me now and end my misery.

"It matches," Alyssa supplied unhelpfully from the supply closet where she'd instinctively run to hide at my shriek of epic proportions once I'd caught sight of myself in the mirror.

"What is it? What happened?" Vivian, Danielle, and Zack all piled into the hair dressers office in a massive tangle of limbs. I waited patiently for them to sort themselves out, feeling put out because they were looking at Alyssa instead of me, and damnit, I was the victim here!

"This!" I shrieked, drawing their startled gazes towards my reflection.

"Oh," Danielle's lips formed a perfect 'O' as her eyes moved to do likewise.

"Holy shit," Zack breathed, looking like somebody had just punched him simultaneously in the balls and stomach.

"Wow," Vivian smiled so suddenly I leaned back in surprise. "You look….you look…."

"Don't say it," I warned, my fingers white-knuckle gripping the chair grip.

"Cute," Vivian busted out, a huge bought of laughter following that statement and sending her, hopefully dying, to the floor.

"How did this happen?" Zack was looking everywhere except me, his eyes straying my way before his face curled up in a wince and he immediately darted his gaze elsewhere.

"Her cast didn't match her hair," Alyssa supplied, her voice somewhat muffled by her deeper retreat into the supply closet. "I was trying to be helpful."

"So you did this to her?" Zack's voice hit a peculiar note as he caught himself just in time to keep from looking at me again.

This was the worst thing anybody had ever done to me in my life. I'll admit, I'm usually the crazy one in Alyssa and I's friendship, but this…

She'd taken me to the one place she'd said would fix all my troubles and now…

I had pigtails. I had freckles, I had a newly decorated pink with white hearts cast, and I was wearing what could only be described as Alice in Wonderland's blue paisley dress.

I couldn't even look at myself anymore.

My gaze glanced at the mirror once more and I let out a low moan of despair at what I saw there.

"Don't worry," Alyssa poked her head out of the storage room, ducking low in order to avoid having anymore inanimate objects thrown with force at her head. "We can fix this – we'll just have them give you another makeover."

"I'm sorry, but we're closing now," the clerk replied, her plastic smile never faltering.

"Have a nice day!"

"You don't understand," I tried to explain. "I can't go out like this, I'll die of embarrassment."

And I was completely serious. My body temperature spiked to dangerous proportions every time I saw my reflection. Pretty soon I'd start having seizures and then I'd be dead, which was a horrible way to be.

"I'm sorry, but we're closing now," the clerk repeated with that same eerie smile. "Have a nice day!"

"I don't suppose there's any chance," Zack was pulling money from his wallet even as he spoke.

"I'm sorry, but we're closing now," the clerk's smile never faltered. "Have a nice day!"

I was starting to feel a bit creeped out by both the smile and the monotone. I exchanged a nervous glance with Danielle as I debated whether or not it'd be worth it to try once more.

"Look," Vivian broke in angrily, taking matters into her own hands. "You totally ruined my friends look, you miserable excuse for a Stepford Wife! Fix it!"

* * *

We ran the whole way back to the dorm, piling into Alyssa's and me's dorm and hastily shutting the door behind us, bolting the lock into place as we stumbled back away from the door, the five of us huddling in a pile next to the bathroom doorway as we struggled with our breathing.

"We almost died," Danielle stated, still shaking.

"Never," I managed. "We are never going back there."

"Never," Alyssa agreed. "But on the plus side, at least we don't' have to worry about the dress."

"Or the pigtails," Vivian pointed out helpfully, fingering my now lopsided haircut. "I mean, if you only have one, it's not pigtails anymore. It's just a braid."

"Very chic," Zack agreed.

"What I want to know," I stated between gasps for air. "Is how she managed to destroy the dress and the pigtails and the shoes and the makeup, but not the cast?"

I held up the candy hearts coated monstrosity as evidence.

"Even psychopaths have their limits," Vivian decided after a moment.

"I'm not sure that was a psychopath," Alyssa replied, her breathing mostly back under control.

"Well if it wasn't a psychopath, what was it?" Zack bit out. Alyssa blinked at him.

"I'm pretty sure it was an alien."

"Oh God," Danielle moaned low in her throat. "We're going to be anally probed."

"She'll have to kill me first," Zack replied, dead serious.

"Look on the brightside," Vivian pointed out with a half-hearted smile. "At least we're all in this together."

We sat for a moment in dumbfounded silence.

"Did you…." I trailed off, swallowing in a desperate attempt to coat my throat with enough saliva to get the dreaded words out of my throat.

"Did you just make…" I swallowed again, "a High School Musical reference?"

Dead silence.

"Maybe?"

"Out. Now."

"But there's a psychotic alien with an anal probe – "

"OUT!"

**A/N: **Haven't written PotC in a while...feel like I'm a bit rusty.


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